what do i do
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what do i do
| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:57pm |
i am a women and i am in love with a women. we have a long distance realtionship. we have it from past 2 years. right now i am very confused as to what to do. how to define my relation with her. we cannot be together ever that is given which was ok at first but now she is looking for some thing more local. we meet every few months. the love i feel for her is more then i have felt for any one. the one you call soul mate.. that is what she is to me. in our relationship she cheated on me once and didnt tell me for long period of time. i was hurt but i forgive her for that but still i am feeling insecure about us cause she keeps on talking about having open relation and wanting someone in her life in day to day basis. we both live in different states with our family. she loves me but i feel like she is confused as to what to do now. she is now thinking of divorce and living with a girl. she is possesive and jealous at times but i never giver her reason to doubt me yet she does. i do every thing in my power to make her feel safe and secure. but it seems nothing is enough. right now we are waiting for her to get back on her feet so she can divorce and find a partner for her to live her life with. i am also her best friend..which makes it difficult for me to handle my emotions at times. i love her so much and want to see her happy but i dont know what to do. one time she says that we should be just friends and not define any relation between us. and at other times when i do do that she ask me what she is to me. which is ok but very very comfusing to me. she does every thing that will make me feel insecure. she has always been bit flirty by nature. and she herself tels me that keep an eye on me i am a big flirt. i have tried my best to keep kool about things cause being her best friend i also have to support her emotionally. i know she loves me but i know we will have to depart one day. she says the day is too far for us to react to. i dont know what to do. i want to be there for her through each and every thing that she goes through in life but at same time it is hurting me especially when she talks about someone sharing her life. when i met her last time she told me that i dont appel to her physically any more and is not attracted to me any more. yet she says she loves me and does not know why she said what she said. she hides lots of things from me. i have kept my life open to her. she knows passwords to all my e mail add and she on other hand has diff e mail add which she was hiding from me. i found out one days and she was lied about it saying she had made it long time ago. but i know for fact that it was recent. i asked her what is going on and she told nothing to worry about yet she is so secretive about her life now a days. every thing is off limits to me which i d0nt mind at all...but the lies i hear i dont like them. its simple small lies. i know at times she tries to make me feel more jealous. she wanted me to be more possesive which i was not till i became one. now everything is so overwhelming. i dont know what to do. i promised her i will stay with her till she is on her feet and is able to get on with life on her own. she aksed what about after that. i told her i dont know lets deal with what is in our hands for now. she says she cant imagine life without me and i do belive her on that. but at same time.. insecurity the thought of her living and spending her life with someone else is killing me. what should i do?.
