What do i do? settle or search?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
What do i do? settle or search?
4
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 11:03pm

I'm married for 8 months now, but he and I both feel like we're still single. The marriage was a quick and broken one, there's no good memory of that.
I dated him for 4 years, it was a logical thing for me to marry him. Because my parents have been pushing me to get married for so long, he finally agreed to get married. There was no proposal, no ring, because we just got a house together before this.
So, I bought myself a ring, and his mother thought he bought it and she tried to tell me that I don’t need a ring, that she didn’t have a ring 35 yrs ago. However, during the discussion, he didn’t stand up for me, but he was on his mother’s side. I was so upset that night, and cried a whole night, wanting to call this off. But I didn’t, I didn’t want to upset my parents. So, we were engaged. A month later, we’re set for marriage ceremony, his parents was supposed to come, but decided not to come due to certain family issues. I got so upset, and I again, so wanted to call it off, but didn’t, again, because I couldn’t put my parents through this. So, I got married. There were numerous fights because we don’t view things the same way, something appears normal to me to do and to say, turn out to be very offensive for him. I started to wonder if him and I are compatible. I found myself couldn’t stand him sometimes. Other times, we’re fine. There’s no excitement, no romance, sex is pretty bad too. We both have very busy schedule and don’t spend much time with each other, and sometimes, I don’t want to pick up his phone calls, his words gets annoying for no reason at all.

I thought I could get over the broken marriage, the non-existent proposal, the conflict between his mother and I, (we don’t live together) , but now, I feel like maybe I just can’t get over it.

On the other hand, I found myself attracted to a colleague who I have known for a while. I know he has feelings for me, and told me that everytime he hugs me, I make him confused, that’s how I feel too. He appears in my fantasy dreams, and I think he’s the only man who I found myself attracted to, in the past, the guys that I’ve dated were attracted to me first, and I just accepted it.

I feel terrible that I have mentally betrayed my husband, and I know this had made me more confused than I originally was.

I know I want excitement, I want romance, but I don’t see this happening with my husband. He’s a nice guy, a hard worker, someone that I know would never betray me.

I don’t know what to do, should I settle for what I have? (I’m only 27, do I really want to live my life like this forever), or should I get out of this. If I do, I may end up with someone worse, or better, who knows…

Every step of the way, I tell myself it’s too late to get out now, from the engagement (because I’ve told my parents, and my parents had spread the news) to the marriage (yeah, my parents spread the news, everyone is waiting to see me get married, I couldn’t do this to hurt them), to now ( 8 months after marriage, is it too late?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:16pm

Welcome to the board imconfused2007,


I am sorry you married someone when you weren't really sure about it. You must learn to stand up for yourself. You should have gotten married because you loved him and wanted to get married not because your parents wanted you to get married.


You said you were looking for excitement and romance, but you don't think you could get that from your husband. Why don't you tell him what you want and see if can you provide you with that.


How do you think he feels about being married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:04pm

thanks cl-ctara19811.

I think it was my fault to not really talked to him about what we want in our marriage. We never really talked about what's gonna changed after we get married, or what do we expect the other to do. I was ready to get married at that point in my life, it was a logical thing for me to married him, afterall, we've been together for several years.
But, if i knew what i would be going through to this point, I wouldn't get married. Each step of the way, i tell myself it's too late to change now (as if i really want to change), but now i question myself if it's really too late, I don't have kids yet, I know it'll definitely be too late when i have kids.

I told him that i want excitement and romance, but his response was 'excitement, tell me what kind of things you want to do?' I said i want to go out more, I think there are a lot of little things could be exciting. and when i say i want romance, he said 'this is not the first day you met me, you know how i am' I know, he's not a romantic person, or doesn't really show much passion. how did i survive 4 yrs relationship with him, i don't know.
I don't know what he thinks about this marriage, probably normal, maybe just think i ask too much.

Another thing is that, i'm not really sure if he would stand up for me ever, in opposing to his parents. If he will not stand up for me, i don't want to be in this relationship, coz it hurts so bad, just to think about it.

My friends are telling me not to settle, and not be afraid of what i want. But i am afraid that if i end this relationship, i may end up with a worse one. who knows...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:10pm
also, the physical part is bad too... i don't know if this can ever be better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 9:18am

Wow, you really are in a pickle.

Here's the deal: Changing patners wll do nothing for you because you really haven't found your own voice, you haven't figured out what you want, you don't stand up for yourself, you think marriage changes people, you let othrs make your life-decisions for you, etc. You would just be dragging all of these destructive habits with you to the next one, ok? So let's work on now.

First, and this will probably be hard because you think it makes you feel good, you really need to separate yourself from the guy at work. If a man doesn't know enough to keep his feelings and his words and his hands to himself when dealing with a married woman, that's not the type of man you want to end up with. Don't think it'll be "different with you," it won't. One of the biggest lie potential cheaters tell themselves. He has no respect for other's relationships, so he will have no respect for his own either, ok? No lie, that reasoning never fails. So tell him to leave you alone. He needs no other explanation.

Then get to work on yourself.

It's almost a question of you made your bed now lie in it, but that would be so wrong for both of you. How did you not know after four years that he wouldn't stand up for you? has he ever? Because this kind of stuff doesn't happen overnight. Did you think marriage would change that? It doesn't, especially in a relationship as long as yours, things are pretty well however they're going to be. If you didn't like it, well, now you know....

Ok, lots of water under the bridge. Question for you: Irregardless of that other guy, do you want to save your marriage? If you do, start some therapy *for yourself* and read the book Relationship Rescue by Philip C. McGraw, if nothign else, it'll help to destroy some of those myths you associate with marriage and it may help you see what you've been doing to yourself in your relationships, how to improve that. If not, then still get some help and still get that book, because the changes you need to see in your life (and in your marriage) have to start from within.

Your circumstances can change, but unless YOU change, you will find yourself in this situation over and over again, no matter who you are with.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~

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