what to do with lack of happiness

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
what to do with lack of happiness
6
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 9:55am
I am married for 7yrs now and been together for 11. My last pregnancy was particularly hard emotionally on me because I did not expect it nor did I want another child at a time I was setting into motion plans for my career - I'm 38. Now that my little bundle is here, I adore her and my 3 others as well. I have communicated with my hubby that I'm tired of feeling unimportant, taken for granted and just left alone with my feelings. I told him how unhappy I've become and that I don't get enough emotional support or understanding from him. I got the usual response that things would change. They always do for about a week. I've had this conversation before with him. I've told him to take me out more and pay more attention to me - always for 1 week no more! Every holiday or birthday, mine mostly, he forgets or he tells me there just wasn't enough money. On Mother's day, I cooked my own dinner, our wedding anniversary went un-noticed and my birthdays, well, u see the pattern! When his birthday was coming around - his 40th - he kept pestering me about him wanting me to throw him a big bash. I only arranged for the kids to plan it and I made the cake. He was upset with me that I did not plan anything for him. Maybe it was petty of me to sit out this one but I felt I had to get a point across! I am tired of feeling like a begger, it seems I'm always begging to feel loved and appreciated or in the very least shown that I matter. This really has me down n out. When searching deep within, I found that I am no longer certain wether I have strong feelings for him anymore. Yes we do have children. How can I make him notice what is really happening to our relasionship? I have been thinking more n more about calling it quits. I am hurt and sad about his coldness and lack of understanding. What to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 1:59pm

take a deep breath! first - having 4 kids in (i am guessing) about 10 years - is not easy. and i am sure that as much as you love your youngest - that pregnancy took a bigger emotional and physical toll on you, and you may be harboring other resentments - that have nothing to do with your husband or your marriage.


usually - i would suggest that you and hubby go to counseling. but it seems to me that you need to understand something - you need to be VERY CLEAR with your husband about what is bothering you. its not a good idea to just keep on saying things like "how unhappy I've become and that I don't get enough emotional support or understanding from him. " its NOT your spouses job to "make you happy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 2:54pm
Thx for the advice! Although I did try before what u suggested i do. When i do take him out, i tell him how lovely it would be for him to make the plans and do it. He says he doesn't feel like planning. Trust me i have been trying to make changes on how we communicate and relate to one another. As for my happiness depending solely on me, i must disagree. Up to a point it does but when two people r in a relationship..u know the saying, it takes 2 to tango. I do not feel he cares for me. Sometimes it would be nice to know that I matter in his life, to know blindly that he does love me. I don't feel he does! Anyways, ty for taking the time to write.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:05pm
I think it comes down to this. The first question that needs to be asked is do the both of you love each other. If so, then to me it seems like in order to correct this problem and work toward a more healthy relationship, professional couple counseling should be in order. This can be hard to do but I think that it is worth a shot to at least say the two of you tried to work it out before calling it quits. I watch Dr. Phil sometimes and I know that he thinks that if two people love each other they should do everything they can to work out the problems together before calling it quits. Of course, the both of you would have to want to try to work it out to come up with some solution. This is a very tough one for me especially since I am single and only dating at this point in my life. I am not sure that I helped at all and I am sorry if I didn't. I just wanted to give my thoughts. Good luck and I truly hope that one way or the other every thing works out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 4:25pm
I see several issues here.

First things first - yourself. If you have four kids, chances are you spend a lot of time on everyone else and not yourself. You must put yourself first on all matters. No ifs, ands or buts. Start with small things. Clean out your closet - update your wardrobe. Get a great haircut/dye/do. Update your makeup. Find a hobby or interest. Culture friends to help you find your happiness. This will do wonders for you. If you base your whole life and happiness on what one person (your husband) does then you will be sure to be disappointed.

Find good babysitters or a network of friends so you can have one evening a week for your husband away from the kids. I am thinking that if the two of you can have more time and more fun it will bring refreshment to your relationship.

Try to see the good you have with him. Make a list of all the things your husband does right. Is he good with the kids? Does he keep a steady job and is he a good provider? Is he "addiction free" and loyal to you? If so this is great - and I assume so because you don't mention these things.

I think you should read a few books to help you. First of all read Mars Venus - it will show you how to communicate more effectively with him and also help with your expectations. Many men are not good at remembering birthdays, etc.

Also, the website www.marriagebuilders.com will explain the elements of a happy relationship and give you things to work on. The authors of that site have excellent books to help you improve your marriage.

If possible, get counseling, too. If he won't go then go alone.

I feel you should do whatever you can to keep your marriage. It can't be replaced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 5:05pm
I feel you do not value yourself enough. If you had 4 kids with a man who does not treat you right, you are not caring for yourself very well. Here is how "caring for yourself" might look like just to give you a taste.

1. You meet a man you like and observe him to see if he is caring

2. You want a baby so you have ONE child with this man. Only. Too see how it goes.

3. You use GREAT birth control so you do not accidently have any more kids until you KNOW for a fact what this man is all about.

4. You find your passions in life and develop YOUR interests. With ONE kid you can do this.

5. BEFORE you have any more children, you watch your H closely to see if he is the man you thought he was and if you are happy with him. With only ONE child, you can more easily break up or get divorced if you have any nasty suprises from his personality. YOU Have cohtrol over your body and its reproductive functions always using two or three forms of birth control at all times.

6. If you want no more kids you can get a tubal ligation to insure this. This would be "being good" to yourself. Do not wait for him to get a vasectomy unless he already has one.

7. You spend 2 hours each day on YOURSELF only and what YOU LOVE to do.

I feel you have neglected YOUR OWN NEEDS for so long now and you have had many kids so it will be a bit harder to start meeting your own needs. But you can do it! Do as the other posters told you to do and get yourself some precious time! You have put off and sabatoged your own happiness by creating other human beings without much support from your husband and now you have to go backwards and start caring for yourself. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 6:23pm
Children are are wonderful gifts. But the logistics of them can be overwhelming, even for the most efficient mother. Often, mom ends up on the bottom of the pile.

Everyone has different standards for what they want for children. Someone with fewer children is not necessarily happier than someone with more children.