What to do? (a long one but please help)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
What to do? (a long one but please help)
5
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 8:27pm

I am married and have been for almost 8 years now. Ever since I was a teenager I swore I would never get married and have kids. Is that why i am so miserable in my life now?
I mean don't get me wrong. I love my life as a mom and I would take nothing in this world for my little girls.
However, it is the whole marriage thing that confuses me.
It seems as though the longer we are married the more we push each other away.

Let's start from the beginning....
I was 17 years old and a senior in High School, I worked at Burger King.
In August of 2000, right before my senior year actually started; I met this guy. I guess it could be called "love at first sight". We were inseparable. We worked together and everything. The only time we were apart was when I was at school and when I left work to go home for the night. I went straight to his house after school, we went to work together and even had the same days off from work. So as you can imagine, I'm sure, thing moved kind of fast for us.
In October, after we had sex for the first time, I had the birth control talk with my mom. We went to the doctor so I could get put on birth control, but it was too late, I was pregnant. Well there wasn't much I could do about it then...there was no way in hell I was going to have an abortion.
Well, we talked about it, after about a month of talking, we decided to get married. We got married on December 15, 2000. Things were wonderful.
We moved from his place and got a bigger place in February 2001. He had a good job, actually he was working two jobs so that I could quit and focus on graduating. I graduated High School in May of 2001.
Our first daughter was born in June of 2001.
About two months after she was born, he quit his job. The rent was not going to get paid and neither were the other bills. We decided to move.
We moved to my hometown, but didn't have a place of our own to go to. We put all of our belongings in a storage unit and stayed with my grandmother.
It didn't take us long to find jobs and we found a place to live. As soon as we moved, he quit his job again. Once again, the bills would not get paid.
A couple of days later he went with his friend out of town and left me and our daughter at home. That day the power got turned off and he did something stupid and went to jail.
I didn't know what I was going to do. No car, no money, nothing. So I called my cousin to come get me and take me to my grandmothers. When I got to my grandmothers I made some phone calls to find out what happened to him and which jail he was in. (Did I mention that he drank A LOT? That is the reason he went to jail.)
Well I got with my cousin after I found out where he was and how much his bond was going to be. I went to where he had left our car and picked it up. I got hold of a bondsman and then sold a bunch of our stuff to get him out.
When I called and talked to my mom, she wanted to take our daughter for a while until we got jobs and got on our feet. So we all agreed that it was best and let here help us. (No one ever knew at that point and time that it would be the last time that our daughter would live with us and we would rarely see her.)
This was the point and time He decided that we would go on a trip. Well, when we did our car threw a rod and blew the motor. Luckily his friend was following in his car.
When we got back to our home, we had no idea what we would do.We were locked out...the landlord had changed the locks on the doors and we couldn't get in. So, we went back to stay with my grandmother. We lost everything we own besides a few clothes that we had with us.
Well we found jobs once again and got our own place. It was when our daughter was about four months old, I found out I was pregnant again.
The place we lived in was not fit for a dog so we got a hotel room to stay in while we filed for government housing and was put on the waiting list.
Once again we moved, this made the eighth move in 6 months.
This brings us to January 2002. Things were great. My husband was working two jobs; a fast food job and a third shift factory job by this time. Finally we had money. We could do some thing we actually wanted to do. However, we didn't have a car, so we walked everywhere we went.
We started fighting and arguing right before our first child was born and it continued up until this point. It was like to men in a big brawl, it just kept getting worse.
Well, come June of 2002, we had a son. By July or August of 2002 we had a car. In September of 2002, he was stupid again. He went to jail, this time for a felony. My grandmother bailed him out this time. Knowing what was ahead I got a job. We even started donating plasma to save money for me to make sure the bills were paid while he was in jail. While on one of our trips to go donate plasma, we stayed at one of his friend's house. While we were there I had to go to the store for medicine for our son. When I got back he was crying uncontrollably and he had a bruise on his face. (This would lead to me never, at least not to this day, ever finding out what happened. And would also lead to a three year battle with child services in which we would wind up loosing our son.)
He was convicted of his felony charge in February of 2003 and spent 45 days of his 90 days in jail.
Nothing really changed between us in all of this time. When he got released from jail in April of 2003, he went back to work.
In February of 2004 we would wind up moving once again, this is the ninth move in just over three years. We moved so far away from where we had worked that of course, we had to quit and start all over again. I quickly found a job, but it wasn't enough to pay the bills. I found out that I was pregnant again in March of 2004.
He didn't want me working at all, so he got a job and I quit. Needless to say it wasn't enough to pay the rent.
We wound up moving again for the tenth time. Once again, moving far enough away from his job to where he would quit. However, he quickly found a job, the best job he's ever had, a job that would give us financial security.
The home that we found to live in was one of the very small "shoe box" mobile homes, and it reaked with a mildew smell. I could not bring a baby to this home. We stayed there from August of 2004 to October of 2004. This time we found a wonderful place to live, the eleventh move. We loved this place! We were so very happy and all of our fighting and arguing had stopped. Don't get me wrong we had our disagreements, just like everyone else. But, we didn't fight anymore. Well, in December of 2004 we would have our second daughter. Things were great and everyone was happy.
Along comes February 2006. We came across an ad for a cute little three bedroom house that was a lease to own. We got our tax return and went for it. Our twelfth move.
We wound up not being happy with the house, only the location. We would wind up moving back to my hometown and he would wind up quitting his wonderful job in July of 2006.
This led to our thirteenth move in July of 2006. Once again we didn't have anywhere to call home, so once again we would stay with my grandmother. In about a month we had our own place, a temporary move, we knew.It was a crappy one bedroom that was falling apart.
Then my grandma gets us an apartment in the complex that she lived in. Our fourteenth move.
However, it was another place that made us happy.
When my grandmother decided to move in March of 2007 so did we. By May of 2007 we had enough money to move. Again my husband had a good job. Not as good as the last one, but a good one. In May we would wind up moving again, back out of my hometown, but to a city we would call home. This made our fifteenth move in just over six years. We found another lovely place. A duplex with a wonderful neighbor.
My husband once again decided to quit his job and decided that we would get a paper route. . (Oh, and I forgot to mention, in September of 2007, I found out I was pregnant again.She was born in June of 2007.) We were still doing the paper route, but we knew things were not going to work. We stopped doing the paper route inJuly of 2007 and he got his old job back. We were so behind on our rent it wasn't even funny. We held the landlord off as best we could, paying him what we could. Then times got so rough we couldn't pay. Wee had to move again.
This brings us to February 2008. This would be another time that we had to put all of our belongings in a storage unit and go back and stay with my grandmother. Our sixteenth move.
In March of 2008, we would recieve a call from my uncle. He told us that he was splitting up with his wife and getting a house. We moved in with him. Our seventeenth move in about seven and a half years. (This has currently been our last move.)
In Maay of 2008 he left me and the girls to stay in a hotel room for 2 weeks. During this two weeks, my uncle left and went back to his wife. I think this is the reason that my husband came back home, just so all of us would have a roof over our heads.
I got a job right after Memorial Day of this year, in which he would talk me into quitting. The worst mistake I could have made.
Up to this point he has had the same job since January of this year. This job has put us in more financial strain. We lost everything we owned in the storage unit because we couldn't pay for it. Thanks to the Salvation Army, we finally got the furniture we needed last month.

This all brings us to present day. In the almost 8 years that my husband and I have been married, we have moved a whole lot and had a lot of financial problems, a lot of emotional problems between us and a lot of fighting between us.

I question myself most everyday on whether I still love him. Did I ever love him? We hardly ever get along anymore. Our entire marriage is so stressful. He is a drunken butt hole most of the time. He takes his frustration out on me and the girls (nothing physical). He refuses to let me work, but I know that I really need to get a job. It seems as though me and the girls are miserable when he is around, and all three of us are so stressed out around him.
I know that if we left I would have no place to go and no place to take my babies. I have no job and no money.
I don't know what to do. I am so confused.
Even though we have all of these bad times, we still have good times. He just drinks so much and get so irate amd yells all the time. But as I said he still has his good side and we still have good times as a family.
It just seems as though we are always arguing. We are rarely intimate anymore. We are not close anymore...we were at one time in the past, I know we were. I am not happy with where we are living and want to move (we live in a bad neighborhood), but we don't have the money. We can't save any money because his income barely pays the bills. We have to go to donate plasma to get gas, diapers and all of the extra things that are needed.
I have heard for months now that things are going to change. He says time and time again that he is at least going to cut back on his drinking and find another job (he still don't want me working), but nothing ever changes.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should stay or go. I don't know if I should get the baby in daycare and find a job regardless of whether he wants me to work or not. I am so confused.
If you have been nice enough to read this, please give me your opinion....please give me your insight.

Thank you for your time to read this and to give me your insight on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 1:55pm
Goodness, I'm speechless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 3:09pm

Welcome to the board mrs. cortney,


After all this time, where is your mom and grandma now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 12:52am

Obviously, I think you should leave, but I'm going to take it a step further (and I'm restraining myself here).

I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no excuse for this repeated cycle. It's not just him, it's you as well. Why can you not see after he quits his job again and again, that you probably shouldn't listen to him when he tries to talk you into quitting YOUR job? Why do you keep getting pregnant? I understand, 17 years old, things happen. But repeatedly? I assume you constantly move because you owe so much back rent and choose to move instead of pay it, so you're going to have many different creditors running after you, and who's going to help? Certainly not your convicted felon husband who thinks it's fine to just quit and job and up and move constantly. Look, I had a mild version of your husband for a boyfriend. He would quit a job and move because he felt like it. I ALLOWED him to uproot me and I followed him around the country, putting my life on hold for him. Difference is, we have NO children.

You say you don't have a job or any money? Well, have you ever, really, except a handful of fleeting times? You need to get YOUR life together for your children. Move back in with your grandmother. She sounds like a saint. You cannot continue to depend on someone who has proven over and over that he isn't worthy of your dependence. You've been doing the same thing for years on end. Work toward a goal instead of just screwing something up so bad (as in not paying rent) that you just have to run. You sound like an intelligent person. Go to any temp agency and if you have minimal office skills, you can get a $15/hr. Admin. Assistant job within a few weeks. That will at least give you some sort of income. Obviously it isn't enough to take care of several children, but I sure as hell wouldn't waste my money on bailing my drunk, undependable husband out of County Jail.




Edited 9/18/2008 12:54 am ET by orwellian
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 2:42pm
Same questions I have been asking myself for years. By the way he is 27. For me, well, I guess it is so hard, because he is all I have ever known. I don't want my kids to be without their dad (and I know that's what will happen down the road if I leave). I'm just lost, so confused. One minute times are great and the next.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2008
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 2:50pm
No my mom and my grandmother don't have the means to help me now. I am on my own...searching gor a job...riding things out until I can move out and support my children. Guess that's about all I can do at this point. I am physically capable of taking care of myself and my babies, both emotionally and physically when it comes to him. So I am not worried in that since, just fed up I guess. All the bills are getting paid for the time being, so at this point we have a guaranteed roof over our heads and food on our table, that's what is important for my babies at this point. All of our options at this point (as far as leaving...all the government agencies) have waiting lists a mile long in our area, so that is not an option for us at this point. It is time for me to put my children first (not me, not him) and stick it out for all of us and do what I have to do. And that is stay until I can support my babies on my own. Right now the only support i can give them is moral support and dry their tears. But all that is going to change AND SOON.