What to do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
What to do now?
11
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 10:26am

I am engaged, well employed and have been supporting my fiance for the last 2 years. He got to quit his job and go back to school to realize his dreams. He is now still unemployed.

He smokes in our new house as he declares that since he put the money down on the house, it is HIS property, not ours and he can do whatever he wants (even though i pay the mortgage and everything else). I just bought a new car and he wants to smoke in that too...

We haven't had sex in months and in general, I'm feeling pretty miserable about myself.

He often stays up to 5 in the morning to party with his friends and it is all really affecting my work and lifestyle i want to lead.

He says my unhappiness is my own demons, all I do is "bitch and complain" and he is doing everything perfectly. I love him but this attitude is impossible to deal with.

Where do i go from here? What can i do to help my situation?

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 10:31am

It sounds as though you are in a somewhat abusive relationship. He is behaving in a childish, irresponsible and inconsiderate manner, and you are allowing it to take place. If smoking bothers you, there is no excuse at all, and no justification at all for him to smoke in the house. You are paying the bills, mostly supporting him, and you allow him to do as he pleases and not respect you and your needs. How come? Why do you not respect yourself enough to stand up for what is right for you, to have a partner who is a truly equal partner and who cares for and treats you well. That is the real question. What in the world are you doing in a relationship like this? What is needed is for you to take a good look at yourself, get some help in building up your self esteem, setting boundaries and understanding what you deserve in a relationship. At this point, you cannot change or fix him, but you can change yourself. You can get some help, grow, and become able to choose a relationship which is healthy for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 10:33am
Not working and partying like he's single. He doesn't make you a priority or make time for you. THere are loving responsible men out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 10:44am

He sounds like a child, not a husband. You are unhappy. Think hard about spending the rest of your life with this man who won't take responsibility and doesn't have the desire to see you happy.


Is this house in his name or both your names?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 1:35pm

Welcome to the board delie3,


I hope you take the good advice you've been given.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 5:52pm

What do you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 7:16pm

I agree with Dr Shoshanna's advice on this one.

If you're looking for a marriage-minded guy, this one isn't it. He's obviously not happy being with you but not uncomfortable enough to break up with you. Not a great way to go into a marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 10:22pm

Thank you for your response, it helps when outsiders put things into perspective for you. I will do my best to read more on the subject of setting boundaries and building self-esteem up again.

Is he playing with my heart and emotions? He makes the point that if i truly loved him, I would accept that this is the way he is right now. And that I am being the non supportive one, that i am not respecting HIM and his wishes.

He agrees that this approach is no longer working for us and doesn't like to see me unhappy and tries to remind me that it wont stay this way forever (the partying and the smoking). I've invested so much of myself into this relationship moving halfway across the world to be with him that I am inclined to stay with the man I love to see out these promises.

Would this be healthy or is it a lost cause and should give up right now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: delie3
Wed, 10-31-2007 - 11:12pm

Dr Shoshanna usually doesn't reply twice to a post.


::He makes the point that if i truly loved him, I would accept that this is the way he is right now. And that I am being the non supportive one, that i am not respecting HIM and his wishes.


Let me put it to you bluntly,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
In reply to: delie3
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 5:40am

If you are paying the bills, I'd suggest moving out.

It is not enough to have a good mind.  The main thing is to use it well.-- Rene Descartes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: delie3
Thu, 11-01-2007 - 6:58am

You know I have been where you are - we didn't own property together, we were married.

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