What to do now

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2013
What to do now
9
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 12:27am

 

 I just recently turned 40, and while I will say that I'm not having a crisis, I am looking at my life at the half way point and looking to the future and what I hope to do with the next (hopefully)40+ years. My husband and I will be celebrating our 15 year anniversary in a few weeks.  I don't know how much celebrating will be done, though.  When we were first together, things were great.  We were actually with each other literally 24 hours a day as we also worked together.  Eventually we got different jobs, but we still spent all our spare time together.  After 3 years of living together, we got married, got a house-the American dream and all that.  But, things didn't stay that way.  My mom got cancer around Christmas of '98, and almost died.  She is not a very likeable person, and DH doesn't like her, so I got no sympathy.  My mom was dying and he was making cracks about karma, etc.  So I stopped talking to him about it.  Then I got crap for shutting him out.  I couldn't win.  Then he went and kissed a girl he worked with.  This is all before our 1st anniversary.  So, I nearly left him over that.  My parents talked me out of it, because it was "just a kiss".  And, DH said it was my fault for shutting him out.  Then in November '99 I got pregnant.  All went well until about19 weeks I started spotting, which turned to hemorraging.  I was put on bed rest and spent a few months in the hospital, which at 25 weeks I lost the baby.  DH rarely visited me, so I pretty much went through that alone.  He shut me out and hardly talked to me.  So I spent the last month of my maternity leave pretty much alone.  I went back to work, and it was horrid because no one knew that I had lost the baby.  And so were asking me about her all the time, so I had to tell my coworkers I lost the baby.  I was a wreck.  DH and I had planned on working opposite shifts for when the baby came, so we only saw each other on the weekends, and there wasn't much interaction there.  Eventually we separated for 3 months because DH got jealous of a male friend.  I was soooo lonely, I just wanted someone around.  He had a girlfriend, nothing ever happened between us.  But, DH was convinced otherwise.  Eventually the friend moved away and I was so depressed and desperate, I begged him to take me back.  We were on the verge of signing divorce papers.  So things were good for awhile.  I got pregnant again, and had a beautiful girl in April 2002.  But, DH had a bad temper.  I don't remember how it got so bad.  It didn't used to be.   We fought a lot.  I couldn't work out to lose the baby weight because I was obviously having an affair.  I had no male or female friends.  Just work and home and the baby.  I had no idea where this came from.  Eventually he had a breakdown and went on Cymbalta for depression.  He started feeling better.  I had another little girl in 2006. He is still on the Cymbalta.  

Presently, out relationship is like this:  we rarely have sex.  When we do, he has some kind of disfunction.  I think it's the Cymbalta.  I am usually let down as a result.  Also that part of our relationship has increasingly gotten more adventurous, which wouldn't be bad.  But, we never have normal relations anymore.  I worry that he's bored with me, and that normal sex doesn't work for him anymore.  He says my weight gain doesn't bother him, but any time I lose weight he acts like a kid with a new toy.  I need to lose about 50 lbs(which I am working on.)  He belittles me with the kids all the time-pretty much tells them not to listen to me or steps in and tells them what he thinks is right and I'm ignored.  He talks down to me all the time(which has been since the beginning of the relationship) but he'd make it like it was a joke.  Now the lighter tone is gone and it sounds mean.  He keeps telling me how many times other couples would have gotten divorced over all the crap we've been through, and that most men would have left me.(referring to an incident with my home business which is not always as profitable as I'd like, and has cost us money to bail out more than once).  But, we're doing fine financially.  He tells me it's okay to borrow money for my business for supplies, etc. and just to pay him back when I get orders in.  Which I do, but lately I can't without him berating me over it.  It's not like I'm taking money we can't spare, and the money is back in within a few days.  And that's when I get the speech about how lucky I am he hasn't left me.  And I get him saying that we're never getting divorced because his parents divorced and he wouldn't put the girls through that.  He has cut off communication with his family altogether.  His mom keeps asking to come see her grandchildren, but DH won't pick up the phone when she calls or call her back.  I've tried getting him to talk to her to no avail.  I pretty much have to beg him to come to school functions the girls are in or teacher's conferences or meetings with the school psychologist and physical therapy (because our youngest has epilepsy, learning disorders, and probably developmental issues).  I have had to deal with all this myself.  I just had a meeting with them, and I came home after and told him what they said(she needs a thorough checkup by a pediatrician to check for some issues) and I get "Those people don't know what they're talking about.  That's BS.  There's nothing wrong with her."  And, end of discussion.  If I push it, it becomes a full blown argument and I get nowhere.

Sadly, I think I was numb to a lot of this for 3 years while on antidepressants, and recently went off and I feel physically and mentally great.  But, I feel like I've been blindsided by how bad things have gotten.  And I have no idea where to start.  I am probably going to see a counselor just to get my feelings out and be heard, but I'd love to get your take on it.  I look around now and go "What the hell happened?"  And this is also my 2nd marriage.  My first was to a very abusive man who was nice to me until he got a ring on my finger, and then he became a monster.  So I was right in leaving that bastard.  I was married to him 2 years, on paper.

sorry this is so long, I really needed to get this out and hear any ideas you have.  we were to counselors after I lost our baby, and all they did was pit us against each other, so no more couple's counseling for us.  We were better off on our own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 1:13am

First of all, please let me welcome you to iVillage!!  Thank you for sharing with us, I am sure it took courage.  Sending you a big hug, I am so sorry for all that you have been through.  I almost don't know what to say.  I can say I think you are a strong woman and you deserve respect and love.

I can relate to what you wrote in more ways then one.  I am the community leader on the Depression Support board on here, so feel free to stop by and post there as well.  

I have been married for almost 10 years and can relate to things your going through.  I would rather not post them on here, as this is a public board, but there is the option of using the "private messages" here on iVillage. I will say this, I understand how you feel and maybe that is why I don't know what to say because it sounds like my life and I also don't know where to go from here.

Sorry for not helping much, but please know you are definetly not alone!!  Other women are going through similar marriages, but may act like everything is just fine.  I am here, if you would like to private message me, I am sunset5000 (Heidi).

Again, welcome to the boards!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2013
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 9:58am

Thanks, Heidi!  Right now, I am in the process if closing my business. It has been an uphill battle for 10 years-DH has always been against it.  I am not even discussing me closing it because he has no part in it.  I used to enjoy running it, but all the joy has gone out of it.  It's just too stressful.  I don't know if that will make any difference in our relationship, but it will take a lot off my shoulders.  Now I won't have to take care of the house and the business.  I think I need to get my sh*t together before I can expect the same from anyone else.  And then I can at least say I have it together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 10:46am

I think your 2nd DH is also abusive--maybe not physically but he sure is mentally abusive.  He belittles you, won't talk to you about anything, tells the kids not to respect you, etc.  You haven't said one good thing about him.  I just wonder why you would continue to stay in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 1:10pm
I agree with musiclover . I figure she stays because she probably cant see that he is abusive , or not as bad as her 1st husband.
Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 1:33pm

Nicely73,

I sent you a private message on here.  It should show up in blue at the top of your screen when you log on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 3:21pm

I'd say screw him and get help just for YOU.  You need help here.  So many of us show up here with a story eerily similar to yours and the same question eventually comes up:  what are you getting out of this relationship?  We don't put one foot in front of the other without a reason.  There's a reason you're staying, and to ME it sounds like this guy has learned every button to push and pushes them with abandon, he does what he thinks works for him, little regard for what it's doing to you.  And what it's doing to you is it's really messing with your head, right?  Do an exercise a therapist had me do many years ago, just a simple thing.  Take a big piece of paper, on one side write down all the "good" stuff you can think of about him or your relationship; on the other side write down all the "negative" or bad stuff that's going on.  One side is almost always much longer than the other, and I cannot imagine your list turning out any way except heavily weighted on the negative.  Once you're with a controller that becomes how you live, it becomes who you are - the recipient of control, so many of us know this story and without help, you just can't get out from under that "spell", for lack of a better word for it.  You do not deserve to be treated like you're a big nothing.  It's so easy to believe you do not deserve better or do not deserve to be happy, it's easy to forget what happy MEANS.  Definitely see a good therapist, but I'd go alone for now because you need somebody who's got your back to start putting this mess together inside your head.  Feels like crap not knowing what the devil to DO, where to start, doesn't it?  It starts with baby steps and you need to take care of you so you can take care of your kids, too.  He needs help but sounds like the type who might just go to get YOU fixed, not believing for a second he has any problems.  Well, guess what?  We all have problems, and one of his is he feels entitled to control you.  Life's too short to keep wondering year after year what you're getting from this marriage, go find out if it's enough to stay.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 11:44pm

I agree with the others......your first marriage was abusive, and so is this marriage, and it has been from day one, you've just made excuses for him.  He said insulting things "jokingly" in the beginning?  He wasn't "joking" he was getting you used to the verbal abuse.  Now, he doesn't add the joke, he just verbally abuses you.  He doesn't want a divorce because his parents divorced?  But at the same time he doesn't pay attention to his children.  Your child is diagnosed with severe problems, and he says the doctors don't know what they're talking about?  If you care about your daughter, you will take her to the reccommended specialist(s) and take care of her properly.  You are in an abusive marriage.  Maybe you didn't see it because of being on drugs, but you're off them now and you DO see it.  It doesn't matter if it's your 2nd marriage or your 25th marriage, it's a bad one, and you need to end it.  Good Luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2013
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 10:29am

Well, that is all pretty brutal.  I can't do a thing about it right now, because I don't have a source of income and I need to be able to provide for my girls, or I will not get custody of them.  So I will have to work something out in that vein first.  I know this from another of my daughter's classmate's mom's situation-she was a SAHM, and her husband cheated on her and got his mistress pregnant and left her and the kids.  But, because she hadn't worked in years, it was hard for her to get a job that would support her and her 3 kids.  So it was pretty freakin' rough.  And I need to get custody, because I am the one that makes sure they get all the tutoring and PT and medical care they need.  If my husband says someone is full of it, I ignore him and take them to the doctor anyway.  I am not that pathetic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 10:23pm
Oh Niecey, I can totally relate! I don't have any suggestions or advice, just to say you are not alone in a situation that seems to have gotten out of hand. Wishing you the very best of luck and strength, J