What to do now
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|Sat, 06-08-2013 - 12:27am|
I just recently turned 40, and while I will say that I'm not having a crisis, I am looking at my life at the half way point and looking to the future and what I hope to do with the next (hopefully)40+ years. My husband and I will be celebrating our 15 year anniversary in a few weeks. I don't know how much celebrating will be done, though. When we were first together, things were great. We were actually with each other literally 24 hours a day as we also worked together. Eventually we got different jobs, but we still spent all our spare time together. After 3 years of living together, we got married, got a house-the American dream and all that. But, things didn't stay that way. My mom got cancer around Christmas of '98, and almost died. She is not a very likeable person, and DH doesn't like her, so I got no sympathy. My mom was dying and he was making cracks about karma, etc. So I stopped talking to him about it. Then I got crap for shutting him out. I couldn't win. Then he went and kissed a girl he worked with. This is all before our 1st anniversary. So, I nearly left him over that. My parents talked me out of it, because it was "just a kiss". And, DH said it was my fault for shutting him out. Then in November '99 I got pregnant. All went well until about19 weeks I started spotting, which turned to hemorraging. I was put on bed rest and spent a few months in the hospital, which at 25 weeks I lost the baby. DH rarely visited me, so I pretty much went through that alone. He shut me out and hardly talked to me. So I spent the last month of my maternity leave pretty much alone. I went back to work, and it was horrid because no one knew that I had lost the baby. And so were asking me about her all the time, so I had to tell my coworkers I lost the baby. I was a wreck. DH and I had planned on working opposite shifts for when the baby came, so we only saw each other on the weekends, and there wasn't much interaction there. Eventually we separated for 3 months because DH got jealous of a male friend. I was soooo lonely, I just wanted someone around. He had a girlfriend, nothing ever happened between us. But, DH was convinced otherwise. Eventually the friend moved away and I was so depressed and desperate, I begged him to take me back. We were on the verge of signing divorce papers. So things were good for awhile. I got pregnant again, and had a beautiful girl in April 2002. But, DH had a bad temper. I don't remember how it got so bad. It didn't used to be. We fought a lot. I couldn't work out to lose the baby weight because I was obviously having an affair. I had no male or female friends. Just work and home and the baby. I had no idea where this came from. Eventually he had a breakdown and went on Cymbalta for depression. He started feeling better. I had another little girl in 2006. He is still on the Cymbalta.
Presently, out relationship is like this: we rarely have sex. When we do, he has some kind of disfunction. I think it's the Cymbalta. I am usually let down as a result. Also that part of our relationship has increasingly gotten more adventurous, which wouldn't be bad. But, we never have normal relations anymore. I worry that he's bored with me, and that normal sex doesn't work for him anymore. He says my weight gain doesn't bother him, but any time I lose weight he acts like a kid with a new toy. I need to lose about 50 lbs(which I am working on.) He belittles me with the kids all the time-pretty much tells them not to listen to me or steps in and tells them what he thinks is right and I'm ignored. He talks down to me all the time(which has been since the beginning of the relationship) but he'd make it like it was a joke. Now the lighter tone is gone and it sounds mean. He keeps telling me how many times other couples would have gotten divorced over all the crap we've been through, and that most men would have left me.(referring to an incident with my home business which is not always as profitable as I'd like, and has cost us money to bail out more than once). But, we're doing fine financially. He tells me it's okay to borrow money for my business for supplies, etc. and just to pay him back when I get orders in. Which I do, but lately I can't without him berating me over it. It's not like I'm taking money we can't spare, and the money is back in within a few days. And that's when I get the speech about how lucky I am he hasn't left me. And I get him saying that we're never getting divorced because his parents divorced and he wouldn't put the girls through that. He has cut off communication with his family altogether. His mom keeps asking to come see her grandchildren, but DH won't pick up the phone when she calls or call her back. I've tried getting him to talk to her to no avail. I pretty much have to beg him to come to school functions the girls are in or teacher's conferences or meetings with the school psychologist and physical therapy (because our youngest has epilepsy, learning disorders, and probably developmental issues). I have had to deal with all this myself. I just had a meeting with them, and I came home after and told him what they said(she needs a thorough checkup by a pediatrician to check for some issues) and I get "Those people don't know what they're talking about. That's BS. There's nothing wrong with her." And, end of discussion. If I push it, it becomes a full blown argument and I get nowhere.
Sadly, I think I was numb to a lot of this for 3 years while on antidepressants, and recently went off and I feel physically and mentally great. But, I feel like I've been blindsided by how bad things have gotten. And I have no idea where to start. I am probably going to see a counselor just to get my feelings out and be heard, but I'd love to get your take on it. I look around now and go "What the hell happened?" And this is also my 2nd marriage. My first was to a very abusive man who was nice to me until he got a ring on my finger, and then he became a monster. So I was right in leaving that bastard. I was married to him 2 years, on paper.
sorry this is so long, I really needed to get this out and hear any ideas you have. we were to counselors after I lost our baby, and all they did was pit us against each other, so no more couple's counseling for us. We were better off on our own.