What to do with the old friend...

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Registered: 12-26-2003
What to do with the old friend...
9
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 8:43am
I have a friend, whom I have known for 28 years (since age 4).This entire time I have had a huge crush on him. We share inumerable interests and have a chemistry and attraction that we both have both acknowledged more than once.

About 5 years ago we got reaquainted after he'd been in Europe for a few years. We went out a few times and he spent the night 3 times (no sex just intense makeouts)but then ran away after a few weeks(because of my over-intensity and the fact that he was on the rebound from a bad break-up).



Recently now, about 6 months ago, we started e-mailing one another while he was away in S. America. He encouraged me to write to him; wrote me about some of his amazing experiences; asked for images of current and childhood pictures (which I sent him);told me how fabulous I look, that he couldn't wait to see me.

He then ended up coming home early from his trip 2 weeks ago. He got in touch with me quite soon after his return, met me at a family function, then ended up taking me back to his place and making out with me til 2am, and immediately made a date for the day after. When I went over there the second time, we ended up talking about the old business for the first time ever (after I deduced he was rebounding again).

I told him that I don't want to be his rebound-girl, -not to to touch me if he "didn't mean it" (thus making me misinterpret things between us). I don't want to be with him now ...only to have him start dating someone in three months and hurt me again. By talking with him I feel like I have gotten over some of my old childhood crush goofy-ness. And havea cheived some sort of understanding thanks to his description of his past response to "the last time we tried this" (running away)and that he feels responsibility for my long-time feelings. He said that he understood my perspective, and agreed with my point that that wouldn't be fair. He also said that one of the old problems had been that I always forced him to "make all the decisions". Yet when we were done talking we ended up getting all hot and heavy again. Now, we have e-mailed each other several times since this happened on 2/11. But he hasn't made another 'date', despite saying several times how we need to get together and do one of our mutual hobbies soon. My thing is that I still want to be with him. If he can not "kiss on me" and just treat me as a friend, even though it would be rough...I could handle it (even if/when he gets a girl friend). I'd hate it...but I'd live. I guess the question is...ANY ADVICE Ladies??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:29am
Questions:

'I could handle it (even if/when he gets a girl friend). I'd hate it...but I'd live'

Why put yourself in a situation that you have to 'handle' and that you'd hate?

Have you dated others through these years of your crush? what do you mean by your 'intensity'. Did you ask for a commitment from him right away?

Is he still traveling a lot? Does he believe in settling down or commitment or does he want to call the shots, and be a free spirit and not be smothered?

'He also said that one of the old problems had been that I always forced him to "make all the decisions". '

What decisions? Do you agree with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 11:32pm
Okay, to answer your first question and sound like a teenager rather than someone over 30... hmm... Why? Because I love him, and I would rather be with him as just a friend than not have him in my life at all.

As for your second question, yes I have dated several people besides him. I've been married and divorced since I met Him as a child. And by intensity I meant that I was very intense and very focused and figured that since we were/are both adults, he wouldn't "just roll around with me" if he didn't mean it to go anywhere.

Yes, my friend travels a few months out of the year -ususally to Europe for vacation. And I do beleive that he somewhat beleives in commitment considering he has been engaged at least once (about 5.5 years ago).

As far as the decision thing goes..I beleive that he meant that I've always (til now)left everything up to him...such as: he had to make the first move because I was (am still a bit) afraid that he might reject me. He has to ask ME to go places because back then I used to ask him all the time and was so overly-attentive to him and so busy wanting and trying to please him (make him love me). But now, I'm playing it cool. I just tell him...this is what I'm doing...care to join me/us? Or: "we need to go do this" or "I have X-info about our favorite subjects and you are missing it etc." and as far as that goes...so far it seems to work. 'Cause today 2/16/04 he asked me to meet him so that we can hang out.

So I don't know. I'm trying to be 'real' with him, and not all smothering. I keep reminding myself that I really would rather have him as a friend than not at all...and that friends is what we've always been --irrespective of my HUGE crush. And that friendship isn't going to end --even if he won't be with me in the way that I want him to be. What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:17pm
Well I still get the feeling that the two of you want different things. He wants to keep traveling and not be tied down (why didn't his engagement lead to marriage?) and you want more of a commitment.

If you can truly be friends-and friend listen to details about each other's love life- then go for it. But I think it is going to be hard to handle and you admitted that yourself. I guess my concern is that he will get in the way of you moving on if you are waiting for him to get closer to you and hope that he settles down.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 4:25pm

You deserve someone who is going to give you everything not just the sexual stuff.


If you wanted to be just friends with him and he wanted to be just friends with you, that's one thing but you can't keep making out with him (or whatever you're doing that's "hot and heavy") and expect that he's going to treat you like a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 7:13pm
Okay, you made some very valid points. Here's the thing. We haven't had sex.

I figure if he just wanted to "have his way with me"...I could understand that as a stereotypical guy-thing. I'm not saying that I'd let him use me or anything...but I could almost understand that --cause then he'd be a 'dog' or whatever. In a way, I almost wish he would "take me", then maybe I'd get over it..or perhaps it would be one of those "Once I had him where I'd always wanted him, I realized that I never really loved him anyway" kind of things.

But that's not how it is. Last night for example, I met him after work, we went and had some dinner, then went to his house (where I was kinda HOPING for a little makeout session, cause who doesn't want to makeout with their #1Crush? Glutton for punishment? Yep)

So we get to his house, where I thought we were going to watch something connected to the mutual obsession we've shared since '77. But he says he wants to watch a movie instead.I'm fine with that (The movie was a good, weird but good). We start watching the movie and he gets under the afghan with me and is pretty much plastered against the right side of my body the whole time.

When video ends I point out similarities to The Last Temptation of Christ blah blah and he whips out his MP3 player, and without asking, sticks an ear-bud in my ear(didn't hurt but the way he just put it in my ear was weird) leans his head against mine, clasps my hand and proceeds to play this haunting really beautiful song that's at end of the movie,saying it's a song that he's been obsessing over since he was in S.America.

Blah Blah blah...we go downstairs, we make tea and continue discussing the cool song and weird movie. Then he goes and starts playing this same song on his acoustic guitar (He's a musician in a band that is relatively popular in the city where we live)and it's awesome.

Since he had to be up at 5:30 for work, he said he had to take me home at 9pm. no problem. I go to put on my boots while he's still playing his guitar, he stops and comes round and crouches behind me and holds me for a minute or two. I get up, he turns me around and just hold me really close for a long time, tracing circles and rubbing my back and shoulders. Just holding me for many minutes.

We leave. He doesn't hold my hand again, or stop and kiss me, or anything...we talk about Homer and The Ilyad on the way to my house. We get to my house, it's time for me to get out of the car...I'm waiting for something, a word, a sign of amiability...anything. It's silent...'the crickets are chirping' I'm waiting, indecisive, and he's looking at me, grinning. Finally, I couldn't take the pressure anymore and I ask "Sooo...you gonna kiss me goodnight?" He grins bigger, swoops forward and gives me a light little peck on the lips ---I start to move away...and he starts with the backrub thing again! I'm like "Man, don't kiss me like THAT and then do the backrub thing, when I have to get out of the car!" He smiles. I stuck my tongue out at him, then wished him a goodnight and scurried into my house.

So in some ways I think he does care about me as more than a friend and can't decide if, or what he wants to do about it.... and in others, I do think he's playing games because he enjoys the attention he receives from me... So what do you think?

Edited 2/19/2004 4:55:06 PM ET by lmmjedimaster


Edited 2/19/2004 4:56:15 PM ET by lmmjedimaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:37pm
I think he likes you and is attracted to you but that doesn't change my original post to you. Does he ask you out for real dates? Is he dating others? Is he planning on going on another trip?

'I think he does care about me as more than a friend and can't decide if, or what he wants to do about it..'

I think he *is* doing what he wants to do about it.

I don't get from your posts that you two are commnunicating about what you have and what you want. I do get the feeling that you are afraid to say anything for fear of him running away.

There is a big difference between liking you as 'more than a friend' and wanting you as a girlfriend. If he wanted you as a steady girlfriend then you would already be his and you wouldn't have a long term crush or be analyzing the whole evening and his every move.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 12:44pm
I couldn't agree more!

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Tara


cl-tcranky1


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 4:50pm
Dear Gina,

First off, I'd like to say a big Thank you to you(especially), and the other ladies, for taking the time to read my bleeding-heart-unrequited-love angst misives and responding with kindness, patience, sensitivity and insight.

NOW...Yes... I COMPLETELY over-analyze my evenings with 'J'...

Has he asked me out before? Yes, and we've had fun.

No, he's not dating others -If that were the case, our family/work/friend-grapevine would have informed me of that the moment he got back in town.

And you, Gina, are quite right when you say that J and I are not fully communicating.

I beleive that part of the reason why we aren't communicating very well is because:

(A)Though we spent a lot of time together growing up, as actual adults we haven't spent vast amounts of time together, let alone spent it talking about "real life" stuff.

(B) That we still think of each other in that weird, kid-kind of way. And, as you mentioned, I AM afraid that I will scare him off.

The initial conversation that he and I had a week and a half ago, where we talked about "responsibility for people's feelings" and "decision making" etc., was one of the hardest converstaions I have EVER had...let alone with Him.

It's taken me so long to be able to even "act like an adult" rather than falling into my own trap of acting like a dorky 8th grader, that it's difficult to talk with him about how I feel.

J. is an exceptionally reserved person period, so it's not the easiest thing in the world to be like..."Sooo, J., even though I've thought for years that the sun rises and sets with you, I'm rather beyond all that now...and you continuing to 'mack' on me causes me to think that you want to have a relationship with me."

I've said to myself over and over again (and still repeat this mantra a little too regularly): J's not at all stupid. He knows how I've always felt...He wouldn't do this stuff with me if he didn't mean it, because he knows how I feel...And that it's not fair to me to do that...And he supposedly doesn't want to hurt me. AND ALSO if it was simply sex that he wanted from me (like the male stereotype supposedly always does)he would have done that by now. Right?

My mother keeps telling me that this is J's way of going slow, and getting to know the grownup me.

My best friend keeps telling me that I need to throw him down and have my way with him so that THEN I will finally know SOMETHING, anything... if only just to 'kill the mystery'.

I asked J a week and a half ago what it is that makes him want to spend time with me, besides our decades old friendship and mutual interests... If he just loves 'to get his attention-well filled by me' for a little while. If it's just the comfort of an old friend. What??

He said he enjoys spending time with me, that he likes me a lot, cares about me very much, we have tons of things in common, and that we've always had 'this serious chemistry thing'.

So, was that an answer? If it was, why am I still so confused?

And what was up with what happened 2 days ago on Tuesday night (which ,as you and I know, I HAD to give the blow-by-blow report on)??? Sometimes he makes so frustrated (in myriad ways) I almost want to hit him. Not that I ever would, and not that I think that violence is an answer... I just don't know, and it's makingme crazy. My work life is suffering, as is my family life.

I'm supposedly, according to my friends, so insightful about relationships... yet I so mirror the old adage that I'll paraphrase "I can give great advice, but I can't seem follow it."

So...what do you think?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 5:50pm


O.k. he is not seeing anyone. So why aren't you two dating regularly?

'He said he enjoys spending time with me, that he likes me a lot, cares about me very much, we have tons of things in common, and that we've always had 'this serious chemistry thing'.

And how did you respond? Did you take advantage of the opportunity to ask him what he wants to do with the great chemistry?

It comes down to this: It shouldn't be this hard. Either you guys click and date or you don't. What you are going through with the analyzing and mystery is where you should be after your first meeting or first date, not after years of knowing each other.

What about his past girlfriends? Do you think it was awkward and vague with them? Do you think they were left to analyze his moves after they spent time with him?