What to do? We're in a funk!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
What to do? We're in a funk!
3
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:33pm
My SO has lived with me 4 months now. We were talking last week about things and he said he wants to fall totally in love with me and wants me to be more creative. Is this something he has to do on his own or can I help him through this? He said he does love me and does anything I need help with or he does things without asking me. Can I make this work? He wants this to work too! We've been together over 4 years now and feel he is scared of making a total commitment to me with marrying me cuz he got hurt bad in a previous marriage that ended 5 years ago(family & friends agree with me).He has brought this up many times but then falls back. When can I do to help make our romance more passion and spicy instead of the same old thing all the time? We're both going through financial struggles right now and he's in a zone he says. What can I do to liven things up here? Also, our sex life hasn't too great lately as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:36pm
I don't think you can make anyone fall in love with you but if you want to spice things up in the bedroom read some books or watch some videos on the subject. He sounds a little immature to me and if he is not in love with you after all this time and needs to feel head over heels to make a commitment I would wonder a bit about that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:16pm
Thanks for responding. When he said this to me, I started wondering if he'll ever be able to commit to me with marriage.He's had all this time to decide and know. Think maybe he's afraid of falling totally in love with somebody again and is not willing to let his guard down again, so that's why he said that?

He's mentioned of wanting to not move out, and still plans on helping me repaint my house, do the backyard(finally landscape it), lay tile,etc. He also pays half the bills too, like it's ours. He says he is totaly committed to me this way like if we were married but yet he wont do it.

He has land free and clear he plans on building a house on and wants me to go with him while he builds it(6 months) and possibly live there when he gets it done. It's in Northern Cal and we live in AZ. I'm more than willing to do this but only if he gets me a ring and marries me. I can't just give up a great paying job and rent my house out and leave. He told me he knows I'd be sacrificing a lot to do this for him and if I really love him I'd do it. I told him I have a lot to give up without a commitment.

I feel when he's ready to go build and has permits pulled, if he wont give me a ring, to just set him free. I can't up and leave everything I have for something that isnt sure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 5:00pm
I think you just need to have your own time deadline and stick to it. I would not over analyze - just assume that for whatever reason he is ambivalent about committing to you - nothing to do with fear of getting burned - people get over that fear very quickly when they meet the right person (or they are motivated to seek counseling so they do not lose that person ) and he has had years to do so - if you blame it on commitmentphobia you will know deep down that that is not all there is to it- better to face reality and understand that he is not sure about marrying you - and figure out how long you will stay with him if you knew he would never marry you.