what to do what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
what to do what to do?
4
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:01am
Ok here it goes. Married for 15 yrs. Got married at 17 ( we had been dating a year and I got pregnant in school. First part of our marriage was very rough. We almost did not make it. However now we are pretty stable and we have two great kids and the kind of life we thought we never would. I have always prided myself on being the one who stuck it out, made it work, put up with him and he recognizes that and says if it was not fo rme that "we" would not be. Here is the problem, I just do not feel attracted to his personality anymore. It is not a physical thing, he is very handsome but our personalities just don't seem to mesh and there are some ways of his thinkng that I feel are disrespectful and negative. I am a glass half full kind of person and he is on the opposite end of that spectrum. He comes with alot of bad childhood baggage that he has not nor will work through and it really affects his day to day thinking about life and people. Of course this is not stuff I knew about him before we got married so young. If I were to choose now, I don't know that I would choose him, is that bad? Our relationship is pretty steady and routine and I do feel that we provide a good example for our children. they do see us get along and laugh but I just want to be able to connect with him and I SO do not. Just need some friendly advice if you have any.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 11:56am

Welcome to the board rachelle-75,


Have you talked to him about his negativity? You said you wanted to be able to connect with him. Do you have things in common that you enjoy doing? Try spending a more time just the two of you doing things you both enjoy. Like dancing, just talking, taking walks, etc. If there aren't things you both enjoy that try new things or try doing something the other enjoys.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 12:32pm

Hi Rachelle,

My wife and I also married very young (she was 17, I was older though, but still young) and have been married a little longer than you. I have seen the way we have each changed and have grown apart. Staying married over the long run is one of life's great challenges because people do change. If the desire is there for both of you to keep the relationship going, then by all means do something to kindle some closeness and you can hopefully rediscover why you fell in love with him in the first place. You didn't say your kid's ages, but I'm assuming by your age they are still pretty young. You should get your or his parents to watch them for a week and go on a vacation together alone. When we had young kids, they can be really draining and a source frustration. Getting out of the house, away from the kids and work, with my wife usually sparked some really good things!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 3:37pm
Thanks for your support. It really is good for me to hear from someone who started out the same way. You know what drew me to him ( in high school mind you) was his outgoing personality and his sense of humor. He is not quite that same guy. In the begining of our marriage his outgoing personality combined with a 19 year old guys natural need to party it up got us in trouble. Now so that he is not out all night partying with friends he is at home but a bit reclusive. Yeah I know be careful what you wish for huh? I realize I sound like I am not happy either way but there has to be a happy medium somewhere. I just want to be attracted to him. Our libido incompatibility is the sourse of major arguements.
but for me it is not physical attraction keeping me away it is just to feeling "that loving feeling" anymore. Our kids are 14 and 8 and are absoloutley wonderful. They actually don't cause us too much stress because they are such good kids, we did that right together. Thanks for listening, well reading....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:46pm

Hi Rachelle,

That loving feeling you long for is something that most married people go through eventually. The excitement that you felt when you were first together, the new things you learned about each other daily, etc. It dwindles once you know just about everything there is to know about each other - then familiarity sets in. This is where a lot of married couples part paths, because they mistake this juncture as falling out of love. It doesn't have to be this way though. My wife and I had all kinds of libido incompatibilities for years, especially when the kids were around. There are so many things that can disrupt the mood, and since it takes two to tango, just one of you getting out of the mood can ruin the whole night. I wish I can promise you that it gets better as time goes on - I found once our kids started getting more self-sufficient we were able to sneak away more. That is why a getaway without the kids is a good idea. It's a time when you two can realize that you still have passion for one another and gain a little more understanding of each other as to why it is difficult to maintain that level of passion when back home going through the daily grind.

GT