What do you think about this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2008
What do you think about this guy?
3
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 10:25am

I have been seeing this man for about 9 months or so and things have been pretty strange throughout the whole time we have been together. At the very beginning he told me that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship due to the fact that he had been hurt in his past relationship badly and he didn't want to risk getting hurt again. I told him ok, and that I was ok with that and we just ended up seeing eachother. We spend alot of time together and go out to movies, dinners, and we have sleep overs. About 4 months into we had sex, we waited because he did not want to do it beforehand and that was ok with me because I wanted to get to know him better. We we first had sex, about halfway through it he went soft. I didn't think anything of it, I just thought since he had a drink or two that is why it happened, since having sex there has been a issue with this everytime we have sex. I have been very caring and supportive with him but have not mentioned to him that I know there is a issue, just basically just ignoring it and trying other ways to please eachother, which has worked. About 7 months into it he told me that he thought we should just move on and that it was unfair to me that he didn't want a serious relationship. I told him that I didn't ask him for a serious relationship, that I have never brought that up and wondered why he did. He just said it was better that way. So I said ok, but the next week he called me back and the we started seeing eachother again. I will admit at this point, even though I never asked for a serious relationship, I did fall in love with him and he knew my feelings were there. Things were going good for a couple weeks and then he tells me again that he thinks it would be best to stop seeing eachother for good this time and not to call him. I said ok and then the next day, on a friday, I went out to a club (where we met) which I go to every Friday night (which he knows), and he was there. I went up to him and said hello and gave him a hug and then did my own thing. He only stayed for about a hour and then left. The next 2 days he called me and said he was around the corner from my house and that he had my key (which I gave him) and he wanted to return it to me. I said ok and he went outside in the car and then we talked.


I got in the car and we talked about him not wanting a relationship and that I was ok with it, and he said that he is not good enough for me. I told him that he is good enough for me and that whatever the problem is we can work it out together. I told him that I love him and he just sat there and was quiet, I asked him to look at me and he said no, he wouldn't. He said he couldn't because I was going to tell him that I love him. So, we just talked about things and he said he didn't understand how or why I wanted to be with him. We talked for a little over 2 hours and at the end, I kissed him on the cheek and I asked him if I could call him and he said ok. I called him the next day and then we began to see eachother again. He called me and wanted to see me and I called him and wanted to see him. Except this time when I saw him he will not kiss me goodbye anymore. I asked him if he was ever going to kiss me again and he said I don't know, maybe. The last time I saw him he gave me a hug goodbye and then I kissed him on the neck and he left. We talked everyday on the phone since then and he said that we would see eachother again. I asked him if he wants to hear from me again, if he needs some space. He said he wants to hear from me and he doesn't need any space. I told him I would back off and he said no.


This is where we are now, talking on the phone everyday, him saying we are going to see eachother, seeing eachother 3 times this week, and him saying that he wants to hear from me. He is still sticking to his guns saying it's best if we just break now and he isn't going to change his mind. I'm a little confused with it all because in the same breath he is asking me to call him and to see me. Ok, I completely understand he doesn't want a relationship and it's ok. I understand something is going on with him but I am not sure what it is. He was hurt in the past and he has a sexual problem, and I am sure one of these are holding him back. He feels as if he is not worthy to be with me and I don't know how to make him understand. He said that I will end up leaving him months down the road and it's better to be broken hearted now rather than later. I am not sure if he was hurt and then the sex problem started or if the sex problem started and then he was hurt. The only thing he has told me about being hurt is that she accused him of cheating, when he wasn't and then she left him. I am not looking to put a title on whatever we are doing, I am just enjoying my time with him and being with him. He keeps bringing this up, and I am sure it's because he knows my feelings for him are serious. I want to be close to him, have him kiss me again, be with me again but I am not sure if this is going to happen. I would like to talk to him about his past and this sex problem, maybe once it is on the table he will feel better about it. I really want this to work out and I know it is going to be HARD work and I am ok with that.


What do you all think about this? What should I do? How should I approach this? What do you think could be holding him back? How can I make him see that I am not going to leave him and I am in this for the long haul? Do you think his behavior is strange? Where do you think this is going to go? Do you think he has feelings for me? Any thoughts you have on this would be helpful. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 10:28am
I think that when a man tells you that he is not good enough for you, he is being as honest as a man can be. He's telling you, "I'm not what you want". Throw an "I'm not going to change" or "I'm warning you about who I am for when you get fed up with the situation and want to blame me" in there too. It's a strong statement and you should really listen to it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 1:19pm

Welcome to the board love.333333,


When anyone says "and he said that he is not good enough for me."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 1:58pm

"At the very beginning he told me that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship due to the fact that he had been hurt in his past relationship badly ...About 7 months into it he told me that he thought we should just move on and that it was unfair to me that he didn't want a serious relationship.... Things were going good for a couple weeks and then he tells me again that he thinks it would be best to stop seeing eachother for good this time and not to call him."


Please get what he is saying! He doesn't want a relationship. He can't have a relationship and you can't change him.


'He is still sticking to his guns saying it's best if we just break now and he isn't going to change his mind.'


Exactly


'I'm a little confused with it all.'


Don"t be. Read the above again.