What do you think! Any advice is welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
What do you think! Any advice is welcome!
14
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 9:38am

I have been spending time with a man for almost a year now.  We went into the time together with no expectations.  We enjoy each other and it is like we are in a relationship but with out the definition of say we are in a relationship.  He was heart broken by his ex wife.  He thought he would be married for ever.  He shows me love and treats me well. I just tell everyone we are using each other.  He says that does not sound good...but really it may be the truth.  I think I love him...I usually don't spend this much time with men..my cut off is 3 months.  I tend to get bored and need new things.  With him I don't feel that way.  I guess I want more but at the same time I don't.  I know I am so out there most of the time. We are both very afraid of getting hurt. He tells me he spends time with me because he doesn't have to.  He does not want to define the relationship.  He says he will not tell anyone every again that he loves them.  He says he promised himself he will not show PDA...but he does. He also says I don't know if that will change next week, two weeks from now or years from now.  So what do yall think so far?  Could we both be so scared we are in denial? Are we both really wasting our time?  I do not want to grow old and have to go to Applebees alone! (line from a movie) Your adivce is greatly appreciated.

 

Ps should I just be happy with the way things are now. They really are good! What is wrong with me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 10:10am

Attempting to live a life of not being hurt is futile and ridiculous. The alternative is not taking risks with the opposite sex and being lonely and alone. Every relationship is taking a leap of faith. Either it will work out or it won't. Nobody has a crystal ball. It does make sense to choose a partner wisely though, to up the chances it will work out, i.e. seeing what their past is like, your gut instincts, matching on ethics and how you like to date, etc.

I would investigate why the men in your life only hold your interest for 3 months. If you're young, in your early twenties, it may be that you're not ready for a serious relationship. If you're older, you have to figure out if you're choosing the wrong men or if there's something weird about your psychology. Maybe you can find some library books on this issue or maybe you should speak to a psychologist.

To me, it'd be a really sad relationship if a man never told me he loved me. I feel joy every time my husband says those words to me. And the fact that he doesn't want to call you his girlfriend is also sad. It's wonderful when someone wants you all to himself and couldn't fathom the thought of dating others. Perhaps you haven't tired of him because he's a challenge. Human nature makes a person feel like someone challenging is more valuable. The reality is that people who are beyond your grasp will never be the right person for you. His heart will beat purely for himself and will never be given to you.

If you stop seeing each other tomorrow, will you be hurt? Yes. See? Preventing yourself from being hurt was fruitless. A better risk for your heart will be to give it to someone who is crazy about you and wants to be exclusive with you--someone who wants to build a beautiful life with you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 11:06am

I think it depends on what you want out of a relationship--would you be satisfied to continue the way you are now, just enjoying each other's company?  Do you feel affection coming from him?  Would you be ok with him not saying he loves you as long as he treats you as if he does?  Frankly I think you are both in denial that whatever you do you can prevent yourselves from being hurt--the only way to really do that is not to make any connection at all and what kind of life is that?  It reminds me of this odd relationship that my aunt had for years & years with this guy.  she was a young widow & this man was a co-worker of her DH on the police force.  It probably started with dropping in to see how she & her DD were, etc.  Well I can't say they really ever showed affection in public but he basically became a member of the family--he would be with her on all holidays, he came to my wedding--so it was like he was her BF, whether they called it that or not.  But they always continued to live in separate houses.  Well when she retired, she decided to move far away where her DD was--and she even suggested that he move too, but he didn't want to and then they still had a bad break-up--he started dating one of her friends and there was a lot of hard feelings and they aren't even friends--so do you think they didn't get hurt, even though they didn't live together and maybe technically weren't "in a relationship?"  I could never figure out what they were, but they were at least close friends.

So whether or not this guy wants to say that he loves you, he still might fall in love with you--you can't prevent feelings from happening.  So I think you both need professional help.  No one likes being hurt but everyone goes through it--and we survive being hurt.  It's just part of life.  If someone you love dies, you would be terribly hurt--how can you prevent that?  Learning how to deal with hurt and bad things happening is necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:01pm

Safire1023

 

Thank you so much for you input.   It gives me much to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:01pm

Safire1023

 

Thank you so much for you input.   It gives me much to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:03pm

Musiclover12, Thank you for your advice.  I have received input from you in the past and it always give me insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:03pm

Musiclover12, Thank you for your advice.  I have received input from you in the past and it always give me insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:37pm

If he decides he wants out, YOU will be hurt.  If you decide you want out, HE will be hurt.  Actions speak louder than words.  He enjoys your company, you enjoy his......whether you put a title on it or not, you ARE in a relationship.  The big question is whether or not it will ever become a REAL relationship with commitment.......because in the end, that is exactly what you want in life.  Life is NOT a bowl of cherries.......wait, yet it is........except once in a while you get a rotten one!   Lets just say you make it an official relationship, you make an official commitment to each other........what will be different tomorrow?  What will be different next week or next year?  You will still both be happy........but then what if "life" interferes 10 years from now?  One of you gets very ill.......or gets killed or maimed in a car accident?  Or dies in a plane crash.  These things happen!  So if you continue the way you are right now, 10 years from you it will STILL hurt, it will still tear you apart if something terrible happens.  So why not make it an official relationship........so you can STOP telling people you "use each other".....that's so sad!  As the other two replies have said, no one's life is perfect!  Things happen to everyone.......but to live life halfway WAITING for the bad things to happen......is just wasting a life!

If I were you I'd sit that man down and have a good talk about the future, and if there is one for the two of you.  And I would explain that I wouldn't be around any longer if there wasn't a true commitment to each other NOW.  If he refuses, well, there's his next hurt.......and you will be free to look for someone who isn't afraid of life!  I can understand being in a bad relationship, hanging in there hoping things will change.  They rarely change "just because".  If they do change, it's because one or the other lays it on the line.........we fix this, or we end it.  I was in a "no commitment because I had a bad divorce" relationship for 7 years!  It never changed,and I was ok with that.......but when his friends would say "why don't you two get married already".......it bothered him......to the point where he just simply ended it........and yes, it hurt me a lot........but that's LIFE, and I got over it......and you will too if that's what happens.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:40pm

If he decides he wants out, YOU will be hurt.  If you decide you want out, HE will be hurt.  Actions speak louder than words.  He enjoys your company, you enjoy his......whether you put a title on it or not, you ARE in a relationship.  The big question is whether or not it will ever become a REAL relationship with commitment.......because in the end, that is exactly what you want in life.  Life is NOT a bowl of cherries.......wait, yet it is........except once in a while you get a rotten one!   Lets just say you make it an official relationship, you make an official commitment to each other........what will be different tomorrow?  What will be different next week or next year?  You will still both be happy........but then what if "life" interferes 10 years from now?  One of you gets very ill.......or gets killed or maimed in a car accident?  Or dies in a plane crash.  These things happen!  So if you continue the way you are right now, 10 years from you it will STILL hurt, it will still tear you apart if something terrible happens.  So why not make it an official relationship........so you can STOP telling people you "use each other".....that's so sad!  As the other two replies have said, no one's life is perfect!  Things happen to everyone.......but to live life halfway WAITING for the bad things to happen......is just wasting a life!

If I were you I'd sit that man down and have a good talk about the future, and if there is one for the two of you.  And I would explain that I wouldn't be around any longer if there wasn't a true commitment to each other NOW.  If he refuses, well, there's his next hurt.......and you will be free to look for someone who isn't afraid of life!  I can understand being in a bad relationship, hanging in there hoping things will change.  They rarely change "just because".  If they do change, it's because one or the other lays it on the line.........we fix this, or we end it.  I was in a "no commitment because I had a bad divorce" relationship for 7 years!  It never changed,and I was ok with that.......but when his friends would say "why don't you two get married already".......it bothered him......to the point where he just simply ended it........and yes, it hurt me a lot........but that's LIFE, and I got over it......and you will too if that's what happens.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you Fissatore for your advice.  I guess that is what I need to do...sit down and chat.  I have been hurt before and yes I will bounce back if I need to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you Fissatore for your advice.  I guess that is what I need to do...sit down and chat.  I have been hurt before and yes I will bounce back if I need to!

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