What do you think! Any advice is welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
What do you think! Any advice is welcome!
14
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 9:38am

I have been spending time with a man for almost a year now.  We went into the time together with no expectations.  We enjoy each other and it is like we are in a relationship but with out the definition of say we are in a relationship.  He was heart broken by his ex wife.  He thought he would be married for ever.  He shows me love and treats me well. I just tell everyone we are using each other.  He says that does not sound good...but really it may be the truth.  I think I love him...I usually don't spend this much time with men..my cut off is 3 months.  I tend to get bored and need new things.  With him I don't feel that way.  I guess I want more but at the same time I don't.  I know I am so out there most of the time. We are both very afraid of getting hurt. He tells me he spends time with me because he doesn't have to.  He does not want to define the relationship.  He says he will not tell anyone every again that he loves them.  He says he promised himself he will not show PDA...but he does. He also says I don't know if that will change next week, two weeks from now or years from now.  So what do yall think so far?  Could we both be so scared we are in denial? Are we both really wasting our time?  I do not want to grow old and have to go to Applebees alone! (line from a movie) Your adivce is greatly appreciated.

 

Ps should I just be happy with the way things are now. They really are good! What is wrong with me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 9:48am
Trenner2, I agree I could very well have psychological issues...but I was not abused and my mother and father were married over 40 years before he passed away. Thank you for your input! Happy Holidays!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Mon, 12-16-2013 - 11:23am
Xxxs, lol you sound just like me! Well that is until I found this guy that I really like. Thank you so much for your post!!
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-15-2013 - 2:06am

  You must know who you are. You cannot see yourself vis a vie a relationship but as an independent person.  I myself am a gregarious loner.  I like to go out and meet people but i also love coming home to me.   I really prefer my lover(s) to be far enough away that they do not 'drop in" but close enought to visit.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 12-15-2013 - 1:34am

Jovial-

Hi. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have psychological issues holding you back. This is the only way I can interpret your current concerns and dating history. Perhaps your parents had  dysfunctional relationship with each other and you. Perhaps you suffered abuse when you were young. Anyway, this is likely affecting you now. You need a competent therapist to help you so you can live happily ever with a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you Fissatore for your advice.  I guess that is what I need to do...sit down and chat.  I have been hurt before and yes I will bounce back if I need to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 3:05pm

Thank you Fissatore for your advice.  I guess that is what I need to do...sit down and chat.  I have been hurt before and yes I will bounce back if I need to!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:40pm

If he decides he wants out, YOU will be hurt.  If you decide you want out, HE will be hurt.  Actions speak louder than words.  He enjoys your company, you enjoy his......whether you put a title on it or not, you ARE in a relationship.  The big question is whether or not it will ever become a REAL relationship with commitment.......because in the end, that is exactly what you want in life.  Life is NOT a bowl of cherries.......wait, yet it is........except once in a while you get a rotten one!   Lets just say you make it an official relationship, you make an official commitment to each other........what will be different tomorrow?  What will be different next week or next year?  You will still both be happy........but then what if "life" interferes 10 years from now?  One of you gets very ill.......or gets killed or maimed in a car accident?  Or dies in a plane crash.  These things happen!  So if you continue the way you are right now, 10 years from you it will STILL hurt, it will still tear you apart if something terrible happens.  So why not make it an official relationship........so you can STOP telling people you "use each other".....that's so sad!  As the other two replies have said, no one's life is perfect!  Things happen to everyone.......but to live life halfway WAITING for the bad things to happen......is just wasting a life!

If I were you I'd sit that man down and have a good talk about the future, and if there is one for the two of you.  And I would explain that I wouldn't be around any longer if there wasn't a true commitment to each other NOW.  If he refuses, well, there's his next hurt.......and you will be free to look for someone who isn't afraid of life!  I can understand being in a bad relationship, hanging in there hoping things will change.  They rarely change "just because".  If they do change, it's because one or the other lays it on the line.........we fix this, or we end it.  I was in a "no commitment because I had a bad divorce" relationship for 7 years!  It never changed,and I was ok with that.......but when his friends would say "why don't you two get married already".......it bothered him......to the point where he just simply ended it........and yes, it hurt me a lot........but that's LIFE, and I got over it......and you will too if that's what happens.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:37pm

If he decides he wants out, YOU will be hurt.  If you decide you want out, HE will be hurt.  Actions speak louder than words.  He enjoys your company, you enjoy his......whether you put a title on it or not, you ARE in a relationship.  The big question is whether or not it will ever become a REAL relationship with commitment.......because in the end, that is exactly what you want in life.  Life is NOT a bowl of cherries.......wait, yet it is........except once in a while you get a rotten one!   Lets just say you make it an official relationship, you make an official commitment to each other........what will be different tomorrow?  What will be different next week or next year?  You will still both be happy........but then what if "life" interferes 10 years from now?  One of you gets very ill.......or gets killed or maimed in a car accident?  Or dies in a plane crash.  These things happen!  So if you continue the way you are right now, 10 years from you it will STILL hurt, it will still tear you apart if something terrible happens.  So why not make it an official relationship........so you can STOP telling people you "use each other".....that's so sad!  As the other two replies have said, no one's life is perfect!  Things happen to everyone.......but to live life halfway WAITING for the bad things to happen......is just wasting a life!

If I were you I'd sit that man down and have a good talk about the future, and if there is one for the two of you.  And I would explain that I wouldn't be around any longer if there wasn't a true commitment to each other NOW.  If he refuses, well, there's his next hurt.......and you will be free to look for someone who isn't afraid of life!  I can understand being in a bad relationship, hanging in there hoping things will change.  They rarely change "just because".  If they do change, it's because one or the other lays it on the line.........we fix this, or we end it.  I was in a "no commitment because I had a bad divorce" relationship for 7 years!  It never changed,and I was ok with that.......but when his friends would say "why don't you two get married already".......it bothered him......to the point where he just simply ended it........and yes, it hurt me a lot........but that's LIFE, and I got over it......and you will too if that's what happens.  Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:03pm

Musiclover12, Thank you for your advice.  I have received input from you in the past and it always give me insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 1:03pm

Musiclover12, Thank you for your advice.  I have received input from you in the past and it always give me insight.

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