what does he mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
what does he mean?
6
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:28am
Hi, this is my first time on this board, I thought maybe you could help...

To make a really long story short, here's my problem.

I'm (23 y/o) living with my fiance (33 y/o), we've been engaged for a year and a half and are expecting our first child in August. We've been talking about speeding up the whole marriage process, but I'm not understanding him at all...

He says this: "I love you with all my heart, I want you and the baby 100%, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you..." HOWEVER he's not sure when he wants to get married.

It seems to me if you know you want all of the above, why not get married then? He swears there's nothing holding him back...but I don't get it.

Does this make any sense?

If anyone knows of a way that I can approach him or understand him please let me know!

Or if you need further details!

Thanks in advance!

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:38am
Well, I think you just need to ask him the important followup question, why are you not ready to get married now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 10:10am
He has this amazing ability to answer questions without giving you an actual answer. This is not how we planned our life, becoming pregnant was a complete surprise for the both of us, and we’ve gotten over the shock value and are excited about this baby. I know he’s looking forward to becoming a father and granted we’re both scared, but we’re ready. As far as marriage, he proposed to me over a year ago, and when I attempted to plan a wedding it’s seemed that there was always something not quite right for him, be it work or the location, etc.… so I would start all over again. Thinking about it now, there was always something not quite right from the beginning... I’m starting to think that by putting a ring on my finger he figured that would tie my over for awhile. But I don’t want to believe that’s true. A man proposes because he’s ready to commit, isn’t that true. When a man starts answering your questions with avoiding comments am I suppose to listen the BS bell going off in my head? If he truly isn’t ready to become a husband and a father (though he says he is) and he doesn’t know when he will be… where does that leave me? Alone with a baby…

It’s nice to have a guys opinion thanks for your post James!

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:22am
Maybe he doesn't feel he can give you the wedding of your dreams because of finances or something, and wants to make sure it's perfect when you do get married? It's a once in a lifetime ceremony and maybe he just wants to make sure he can do everything possible to make it perfect.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:23pm
I understand your being puzzled. My BF (42) claims this is the best relatioship he ever had, he wants to be with me forever, blah blah blah... it's just that he is not 'ready'. My response was that I am not going to wait forever, and that he'd better figure out what is holding him back and 'get ready', or I am out. We set a reasonable deadline, and I haven't been bugging him ever since. We'll see in a couple of months. I think it will be OK.

I think guys just get too comfortable with things. it's just a form of mental laziness. Why take *that* step, if I am already getting what I want? So, I told my BF that he is not getting what he wants undefinitely, unless he takes the step. In your case, the situation is weirder, because he had actually proposed, and you are having a baby.

Maybe he is uncomfortable with the big wedding thing. Have you considered eloping, and spending the 'big wedding' money on a fantastic honeymoon?

Either way, it is time for your BF to grow up. Tell him this is no longer about himself, it's about your baby. If he really wants to be in the family, he should do it as your husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:38pm
Why should he get married? He has everything he wants WITHOUT the ceremony.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:36pm
So is it a matter of not knowing if he wants to get married before or after the birth of the baby?

Something to think about:

Commitment: A means, not an end

By Margot Carmichael Lester

Many people are terrified of commitment. They think commitment will lock them into something bad and out of something that might be better. So they become serial daters or people who date for several months and then break it off, some even popping the question only to stay engaged for ages.

Just ask Mary, 32, of San Francisco. She dated a commitment-phobe for two years, recently breaking it off. "The toughest part about dating a commitment-phobe is leaving him," she says. "That's the catch of it — if you're willing to accept a certain role in this person's life he'll have you indefinitely. He seems to want to call that commitment."

Her advice for people involved with a commitment-phobe? "Immediately voice your observations about this person's character and sling the parting comments over your shoulder as you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction."

And if you're the commitment-phobe? How can you change that behavior? Newton says the first step is being honest — with yourself and your partner. "Begin to articulate what you need, what you want and what you are looking for before committing. This way you will become aware if you even want to commit. Is there a pattern? Do you tend to pick people who avoid commitment or are you the avoider? Check with a professional to help you understand your patterns and what steps you can take to have a warm, satisfying and intimate relationship that can take you where you have never gone before."

Then change the way you look at commitment, using these tips from Phil Holcomb, Seattle-based personal coach and owner of Extraordinary Learning:

• Experience true freedom within your commitment

"The 'commitment issue' is no issue unless I really want a relationship. If I really don't want a significant, exclusive relationship with someone ... I just pretend it is by using it as my reason for not telling you the truth — you're not the one I pick. This is not a commitment issue — it is a courage issue."

• Strengthen yourself through your commitment

"At the heart of keeping my agreements is my commitment to do so. In making a commitment to a partner, I create an arena ripe with possibility for empowering myself. This strength will show up in every aspect of my life."

• Gain clarity through your commitment

"Think of a time you said you were committed to something or someone and it got hard. Chances are that if you honored your commitment you paid some prices. This is one of the ways we learn about what matters to us — what's worth the prices attached to it. There is no better place to get clear about who I am, what matters to me, the experience of life I want and the value I bring to this world than through my significant relationship. It starts with my commitment."

By changing your views about commitment, you'll start to see it as a tool, not a trap — something that can enhance many aspects of your life.




Carrie