what does he mean?
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what does he mean?
| Wed, 02-11-2004 - 9:28am |
Hi, this is my first time on this board, I thought maybe you could help...
To make a really long story short, here's my problem.
To make a really long story short, here's my problem.
I'm (23 y/o) living with my fiance (33 y/o), we've been engaged for a year and a half and are expecting our first child in August. We've been talking about speeding up the whole marriage process, but I'm not understanding him at all...
He says this: "I love you with all my heart, I want you and the baby 100%, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you..." HOWEVER he's not sure when he wants to get married.
It seems to me if you know you want all of the above, why not get married then? He swears there's nothing holding him back...but I don't get it.
Does this make any sense?
If anyone knows of a way that I can approach him or understand him please let me know!
Or if you need further details!
Thanks in advance!
Jenn

James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
It’s nice to have a guys opinion thanks for your post James!
Jenn
I think guys just get too comfortable with things. it's just a form of mental laziness. Why take *that* step, if I am already getting what I want? So, I told my BF that he is not getting what he wants undefinitely, unless he takes the step. In your case, the situation is weirder, because he had actually proposed, and you are having a baby.
Maybe he is uncomfortable with the big wedding thing. Have you considered eloping, and spending the 'big wedding' money on a fantastic honeymoon?
Either way, it is time for your BF to grow up. Tell him this is no longer about himself, it's about your baby. If he really wants to be in the family, he should do it as your husband.
Something to think about:
Commitment: A means, not an end
By Margot Carmichael Lester
Many people are terrified of commitment. They think commitment will lock them into something bad and out of something that might be better. So they become serial daters or people who date for several months and then break it off, some even popping the question only to stay engaged for ages.
Just ask Mary, 32, of San Francisco. She dated a commitment-phobe for two years, recently breaking it off. "The toughest part about dating a commitment-phobe is leaving him," she says. "That's the catch of it — if you're willing to accept a certain role in this person's life he'll have you indefinitely. He seems to want to call that commitment."
Her advice for people involved with a commitment-phobe? "Immediately voice your observations about this person's character and sling the parting comments over your shoulder as you run as fast as you can in the opposite direction."
And if you're the commitment-phobe? How can you change that behavior? Newton says the first step is being honest — with yourself and your partner. "Begin to articulate what you need, what you want and what you are looking for before committing. This way you will become aware if you even want to commit. Is there a pattern? Do you tend to pick people who avoid commitment or are you the avoider? Check with a professional to help you understand your patterns and what steps you can take to have a warm, satisfying and intimate relationship that can take you where you have never gone before."
Then change the way you look at commitment, using these tips from Phil Holcomb, Seattle-based personal coach and owner of Extraordinary Learning:
• Experience true freedom within your commitment
"The 'commitment issue' is no issue unless I really want a relationship. If I really don't want a significant, exclusive relationship with someone ... I just pretend it is by using it as my reason for not telling you the truth — you're not the one I pick. This is not a commitment issue — it is a courage issue."
• Strengthen yourself through your commitment
"At the heart of keeping my agreements is my commitment to do so. In making a commitment to a partner, I create an arena ripe with possibility for empowering myself. This strength will show up in every aspect of my life."
• Gain clarity through your commitment
"Think of a time you said you were committed to something or someone and it got hard. Chances are that if you honored your commitment you paid some prices. This is one of the ways we learn about what matters to us — what's worth the prices attached to it. There is no better place to get clear about who I am, what matters to me, the experience of life I want and the value I bring to this world than through my significant relationship. It starts with my commitment."
By changing your views about commitment, you'll start to see it as a tool, not a trap — something that can enhance many aspects of your life.
Carrie