what does he really mean/want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
what does he really mean/want?
6
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:06pm

BF & I have been together 9months. I am 28, he is 25. We've had a great relationship, he tells me I'm his best friend & he's never had that with a GF, we're open & talk alot, love each other, have so much fun together and took our relationship very slow for the first few months. Then fell in love & started sharing our lives together more.

June has been a weird month. He was gone for 2 weeks for work training in another state for his new job- when he got back he ran into some work issues he was not happy about & some roomate drama. He told me he needed the weekend alone to decompress & get things done since he was away. I gave him that space & after the weekend thanked me for understanding & was back to his loving self. Things have been back to normal. A few months ago he brought up moving in together. He has made many many comments about it such as "When we move in together" ,etc. He has even brought up marriage quite a few times. I have always made it a point to never bring up serious issues like that to a guy, even if I am thinking about it- but once he talks about it, I recipicant. We talked about moving in together late fall (his roomate is leaving then). I am in a little pickle now where I have to move out of my place end of summer- I am trying to figure out if I should just get my own place or my friend said I can stay with her until the fall. I told my BF this & asked if he'd given more thought to moving in and he said "I'm not ready". I just said "Oh" and got quiet. He asked me what I was thinking. I spoke openly with him- I did not cry, I was calm & spoke openly & lovingly. I just told him that I felt he was not as into our relationship as he used to be. He asked why I would think that. I told him that he's been pulling away alot & used to want to spend everyday with me and now not so much. I told him "When you do X, it makes me feel Y". I told him how it confused me how he would talk about moving in like it was definitely happening & how he would talk about getting married & now wasn't ready after filling my head with those ideas. I asked him where he saw us going, we are coming up on a year. He said I was overanalyzing things again & that June he was away for 2wks & when he needed space it had nothing to do with me. He was getting a little heated & saying I didn't understand him. I calmy told him "that's why I am having an open conversation with you- I want to understand what you really mean & think instead of making my own wrong conclusions" He started calming down after that. He told me he loves me & wants to be with me. He said he feels like he's neglected his guys friends & feels he needs to make "boy time" too because we've been doing everything together. I told him I totally understand that & he should do that. The conversations kind of just dwindled away from there & we had a fun rest of the day.

Later that night, out of nowhere he grabbed my face & actually teared up and said "I love you so much & am so fourtnte to have you in my life". And last night said something about "Our wedding".....

I find it so confusing- am I looking into it too much? Am I asking too much for 9months together??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:14pm
I dont think so. I think that you should want these things after the relationship that you describe. I dont know what advice to give you, as I didnt go through this. But if I had, I would have just been patient and understanding. It's a big step and takes commintment. I would, also, renew your lease and suggest that he moves in with you, instead of you with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 5:38pm

You're looking into it too much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 3:55pm

im totally having similar issues with my boyfriend. we have been together 2.5 years, own a home together, have two dogs and are super in love. we have gone through tough times and beautiful times. i NEVER bring up marriage. but he always throws in jokes about "when we get married" or if were in the grocery store and we see a bridal magazine, he'll pick it up for me. he travels a lot and when hes on the road he tells me he cant wait to spend the rest of his life with me. im a very independent woman and i have my own life, i think thats why our relationship works. BUT... BUT BUT BUT... when i bring up marriage (as i did a few days ago) he backed off and said "but who really NEEDS to get married? gene simmons and his wife are happily unmarried, goldy hawn and her man are happily unmarried!" i stated calmly that SOMEDAY id like to get married, not anytime soon, but that i hoped to someday do that and wanted to make sure we were on the same page (i assumed we were considering he brings it up all the time).

he said that he wanted to be with me forever, but that we were in different "stages" of life (im still a student-in school to become a doctor) and he has his own business. my response was "so? we do different things and were at different "stages" but what does that have to do with marriage?" he just thought that marriage meant people were on the same page and saving up for their life together, both working, etc. all i can gain from this is that men are BIZARRE. we have an incredible relationship, and it sounds like you do too... so my advice (which im trying to take myself as well) is just to relax, be patient and let time tell where things will go. he obviously in very in love with you and wants you around for a long time to come, so enjoy that, love him, be yourself, enjoy your life and keep on truckin!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 4:50pm

"if were in the grocery store and we see a bridal magazine, he'll pick it up for me.
... when i bring up marriage (as i did a few days ago) he backed off and said "but who really NEEDS to get married? gene simmons and his wife are happily unmarried, goldy hawn and her man are happily unmarried!""

I think he's picking up the bridal magazine because it's in the way of that Cosmo he's dying to read

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:13pm
hahahaha!!! id have to agree with you on that one, but i share all my cosmo mags with him anyways! i buy them and he reads them before i can even crack them open. its hilarious! the only reason i brought up marriage the other day was because he had been mentioning it a lot and i always laugh it off, or tease him that he doesnt have the balls to propose. so the other day i figured, id talk to him about what he's feeling. why would he joke about it, bring it up all the time, if he didnt want to? any guys on here want to give me a male perspective on that one?? im not jumping the gun to get married, id like to be in my medical residency before that happens (and thats still a few years off)... but i just dont understand his flip flopping on the issue. i must note though that he HAS been married and divorced prior to our relationship and that has definitely left him with some scars regarding marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 4:08am

I have to say girls!! I'm "for the most part" in the same boat too. The only difference is my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 5 months (just hit the 5 month mark on the 9th). He'll throw out marriage comments, and moving in. I too get happy and such. He made a couple of comments when we were together over the weekend (that's when we mainly spend our time together. We live an hour apart, and kind of have different work schedules). He said that because he's been by himself for a long time that he likes his space, I'm cool with that and understanding. I always let him invite me up, etc. So I've just deiced to go with it and when he's ready to take the next step he'll let me know. Honestly since we haven't been together that long I can't put demands on him. His lease is up in 10 months and he mentioned that him and I could get a place together, but then the other night (after he made that comment about living by himself for so long), I said then don't ask me to move in he then said that probably wont happen til we get married. I soo wanted to throw my hands up in the air. hahahaha

Again Im just going to play it cool. He treats me awesome, he loves me, I'm happy with him, couldn't ask for a better guy! He'll be meeting part of my family on Friday (he's been wanting to do this, so anytime he's brought it up...I always say Whenever you're ready. I met part of his family (parents are divorced) not too long after we started going out, and I just met his dad not too long ago. Now it's his turn, wish me luck!!!