What does his behavior change mean? LONG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
What does his behavior change mean? LONG
8
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:29am
I need some input here. My bf of 2.5 years and I broke up on Friday and I can't understand what's happened to bring us to this point.

We do not live together, we're both divorced, no kids. He has had a very tough time in the job market, and is currently working in a position that completely stresses him out. They lied to him about his job duties and his salary, the commute is long, and he is frustrated and angry about it most of the time, and is struggling to find another job in his field.

Most of the time, we would get together after work for dinner, he would call and ask me over, or since we have different days off, whoever wasn't working the next day would stay at the other's house. He calls me on his way into work, and on his way home, and also right before bed.

In the last two weeks, I've spent a total of one hour with him. I needed to borrow something for work, so he brought to me last Monday and brought lunch. He has not invited me to his house during this time. Before when I answered the phone he would always greet me with "hello beautiful!" and now it's changed to "hey."

Two Sundays ago he said he was spending the evening with his friend Jeff. I called at 9:30 and Jeff said he dropped him off at home 3 hours before because my bf said he was coming to my house. Never happened. I finally got in touch with him and he said he ran into some old work buddies at the store and went to have dinner with them. He usually calls to tell me if his plans are changing, but this time he didn't.

Friday night he called me just before 9pm, saying he was going to bed, he was really tired, he had to work early the next morning. It didn't sit right with me for some reason, so I drove over to his house. Just as I was turning down his street, his truck was pulling out of his driveway! I stopped him and asked where he was going, he said to the store for tobacco. I said I thought he was asleep, why would he need that now? He got really angry with me for checking up on him and asked when did I ever see him go out dressed in sweats? I told him I've been trying to communicate that things are really bad between us, that we need to talk, but he keeps shutting me out. He doesn't want to see me or spend time with me, he's crabby most of the time. I asked if there was someone else (I've asked this before) and he told me I was paranoid and couldn't believe I was bringing this up again! I mentioned that I had asked him twice before if he needed a break from our relationship, he said it had just been adding to his stress, and twice before he said no. Now he was really mad I checked up on him, told me it was a psycho thing to do and I needed to get my head straight. He said maybe a break was a good idea. I asked if that was what he really wanted, that I wanted to work it out, but I would respect his decision. He said yes.

I couldn't drive home for 1 hour, and he never did come back. I drove by his house on Sunday morning at 2am (I was on my way home from hanging out with friends) and he wasn't home. I haven't spoken to him. I know he was not with his normal group of friends.

I should mention that last year I was hanging out with Jeff because he had just split from his gf and was unhappy (he's like my brother). I told my bf everyplace we were, what we were doing, so he wouldn't worry. But one night he called when Jeff was over, picked a fight, and I ended up crying until about 11pm, with Jeff sitting 10 feet from me just listening. 11:30 my bf calls and asked if Jeff was still there and I said yes. Good thing too, HE drove by MY house to check. Oh, and I'M psycho?

Is he cheating? Is he mad because he got caught? Everyone I've asked said it sounds like something's definitely wrong and it really does sound like he's got someone on the side, even his best friend Jeff thinks so!

He doesn't look at me or talk to me the same anymore, he's distant and grouchy. I can't tell if it's stress or not, I don't know what happened. I will not contact him again, I erased all his numbers so he will have to contact me. He used to say I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he'd do anything to make this relationship work. So what the &*&#$* happened??

Thanks for taking the time to read this. :-)

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 10:28am
Dear me! You are in a pickle. You checked on him late at night after knoing him for 2.5 years. You knew that something was wrong when you got in that car. stick with that feeling. You are right to suspect and do have a right to check up on things. It was not that bad a thing to do. He called you names and violated your boundaries.

It sure does sound like he has cooled off towards you but then he also has bothered to check on you (which shows that he cares).


Its all too easy for me to say yeah dump him and most ppl will probably tell you to do that. But you know I wont say that. I would say...Talk to him. Give it a go. Dont confuse him by being with Jeff, avoid him if poss.

If I were you I would not let things end so easily. If anything you deserve to know. If you try to move on after spending 2.5 years without knowing what went wrong you will only be making things very hard for yourself and the breakup will leave you scarred. Meet him. Arrange a meeting somewhere really nice and relaxed. Then without making it sound like the spanish inquisition just ask softly. appear feminine. He will not compete with you that way. If you act soft and feminine he will want to protect you if only from the pain of not knowing.

If there is someone else then accept it and forgive him, forgive yourself and move on. But if the real issue for your breakup is trust issues, which I suspect it is then honestly accept your role in the slowing down of relationship. remember this. You guys may just be slowing down. You can make an effort to change sincerely what you can. Dont change what you cant. Compromise and promise to grow together.

You gotta take baby steps to success right now. All to often we rush in life. We act in haste and repent at leisure. Saunter instead. Take your time. Give him sopace and get yourself some too. Often a simple holiday away from each other is all you need. Disappearing every once in a while really works. Often guys are just too sick of all the sweet stuff we women do. So talk and relax, take a cooling off break.

And please please keep your mind open to the poss that good things dont always last. In your mind always keep one window called "Bail out" open if it gets too hard. There will be another man, really, but work on this one first. Dont give up till u are absolutely sure it wont work.

Cuddles

~ustaani

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:38am
Thank you for your perspective, it always helps me to see things from a different point of view.

I neglected to mention one thing. Last September I found evidence that he had indeed cheated. I told him it was over, but he begged me to stay and said it was a huge mistake that only happened once, he was honestly remorseful. He agreed to go to therapy with me (something he's normally against) and we've been trying to work it out ever since. But in the last month or so, I've had the same feeling I did in Sept which led me to look for "clues" and I found one.

This time around I've found a couple of questionable things, and asked him about them, he doesn't seem too defensive. But instead of consoling me this time, he accused me of being paranoid. He could have told me to come with him to the store if I didn't believe him, but he didn't. We had previous conversations where we agreed when you catch someone lying, they become defensive and turn it away from them. I pointed out this was what he was doing, and he just rolled his eyes.

So, did I catch him at something? I'm letting him contact me, but I honestly don't think he will. It hurts so much to know how easily I have been replaced. I really want an explanation about what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:30pm
It doesn't really matter....the guy doesn't wnat a relationship with you anymore, and there isn't a relationship anymore.

If he's stress out and wants out of you as an obligation....okay. If he's found someone more convenient, beneficial, or optioned....so be it.

It doesn't matter. It's over. You move on.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:40pm
Trust your gut feeling. However, don't expect him to explain his change in behavior, what he's doing, etc - because that would require he be open and honest and so far, he's proving that he can't be that way.

Focus on you and your healing.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:44pm
Jeez, Erin. That was a little harsh, don't you think? I'm not 17 and we've been dating 4 months. I'm 34 and we've been dating 2.5 years! We had talked extensively about marriage and the future, and now all of a sudden this. It doesn't make sense.

I can't "just move on." That's like telling someone with a broken arm to "get over it." It's simplistic and unrealistic. This hurts! I'm confused, shocked, taken off guard, upset and angry. I feel like I was tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage. I think at the very least I deserve an explanation (not that I'll ever get one).

I have lended my emotional support and tried to be there for him, he's had a string of bad things happen-an injury preventing him from working for 6 weeks, the death of his father AND step-father, loss of a job, frustration at not being able to break into his career field, and now this job where they outright lied to him about the job and the pay is lower than they said it would be. All of this in less than 2 years. So being stressed out is understandable.

But he used to lean on me, now he isn't. He knows I will be there to do what I can, but he pushed me away and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that there is some young girl who doesn't know him very well and tells him constantly how wonderful he is and she doesn't see his flaws. That must be better than a realistic, concerned girlfriend who loves and accepts you for who you are.

So please don't tell me to forget about it and move on. It's just not that simple, when I have so many unanswered questions. I didn't deserve this, it was obvious to everyone that he loves me, so what happened? If he decides to contact me after this "break" (which I'm not expecting) what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:20pm
so others tell you to trust your gut, your feelings... you know something's wrong.

now im asking you to ask yourself, do you think it's something that's mendable? something you two can get pass? overcome? or is this the beginning of the end? has this happened before? again trust your feelings.

i was in a similiar situation. we took breaks, had our share of problems, always thought we'd get through them, but i was wrong. i couldn't take it anymore. no matter how much i loved him, i was in it alone, fighting for a relationship rather than having one. i let him go, and forced myself to move on. it was hard, but i knew it was the right thing to do. i knew nothing would change. not for a long time anyway. more than a break was needed. break up was the way. i hope this isn't the only solution for you, but sometimes its really not the worse thing that could happen.

i know that sounds kind of harsh. im not telling you to just drop it. it's hard, i know. but im not telling you to wait on him forever to stop needing his space. IF he does come back (which is NOT something you should be worried about right now. you need to focus on yourself, your self-esteem, self-trust, and the healing process), then decide if this could work out, if the two of you are in it together... if the trust can be rebuilt, etc. trust your feelings. be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 10:21am
Thank you for your input. Right now I don't know what my gut says. I'm still in too much pain to think straight. I have a very over-active imagination and it gets me into trouble in times like these, so I tend to err on the side of caution.

I've asked many people (some know my bf, others don't) what his behavior change might mean. I've asked guys if they were in this situation, what did it mean. Every single one of them thinks he's cheating. I really don't want that to be true, but I'm afraid it might be. He knows he was lucky to get a second chance with me and there will not be a third, but I need to KNOW he's cheating before I make a fatal decision, I can't go on an assumption. So I feel stuck.

I made him ask for this break, I felt he was trying to get me to do it and I wouldn't budge. I am not going to contact him. If and when he ever contacts me, I'm not sure what to do. Many people have told me to tell him we're finished and move on, but for some reason that's easier said than done. The evil, vindictive part of me wants to tell him that if he's not cheating and we all know I'm not, then why do I have some icky STD? I don't, I'm clean, but I AM going to the dr. tomorrow for another reason, so I could pull off a convincing bluff. But in the end I probably won't do that.

What hurts the most is the fact that if he is cheating, how easily I was replaced. I put all I had into this relationship, stood by him when no one else would, and it kills me to think a compliment or two from some pretty girl would make him toss that into the garbage. There is a song from Evanessence, "My Immortal" that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling:

When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me.

I don't know how to handle this. Am I a sucker if we try to work it out? Things haven't been right with us now for awhile, but I don't know if it's worth saving. I thought it was, but if he has to go outside the relationship for whatever reason, then I guess it isn't. I just don't know.

How many times do you glue something together before you give up and get a new one, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:52pm
I feel for you and your situation. I can maybe even empathize. I guess the way I look at it when someone's behavior becomes erratic is that I probably never really knew that person in the first place. Some men are like peacocks, they show off their bright, shiny feathers and the moment they're done, they're done. They have no depth, no love, no tears. It's the way they are, not you. Usually, there are signs along the way, but, if you're like me, you want to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best. I disagree that you can just "get over it". However, I have found it easier to get over someone when I don't let my guard down completely with them. That is until I see that they're willing to sacrifice themselves in some way without getting anything out of it. If they do it to be seen by people, that doesn't count. It's especially good if they're willing to risk themselves in some way without getting anything out of it. Some people may think my standards are too high, but I believe selfishness is evil. If people can't do something for someone else without self-interest, they're just not right. The same is true when evaluating guys.

So I guess my best advice for you would be, consider the source. I've found that anyone, just about, can act any way if it's in the interest of self. The moment self doesn't seem best served, they're outta there. I hope this isn't your guy, but to be honest, it sounds like it is. Two and a half years is a long time. The more you let yourself be vulnerable, the more it hurts. I would caution you against bitterness, however (I know it can be tempting), a lot of people who do really awful things justify/rationalize it by saying someone did it to them first. Then, the hurt goes on and on. I have found it better to let myself be hurt than to hurt those who might be innocent. On the other hand, sometimes we just have to be realistic.

I certainly feel for you and I'm not trying to trivialize your situation, but I also want to try to inspire you with hope for the future. There are a lot of people out there, and if this guy wants to be this way, just be glad you don't have to be wasting your time with this loser any more. At least that's how I'm trying to look at my situation. Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:35pm
ok. let's put the "is he cheating or not?", "is he coming back or not?", "do i want him back or not?" aside for a while. you gave him the space. maintain that space. when he's ready to talk about it, you bet he'll talk about it, though it might take a while... but why are you in a hurry? i know you are not ready to move on obviously b/c you don't know for sure what's causing his distance. so... hang on till you know for sure. meanwhile you don't know how you feel, or what's happening, focus on yourself. read a book, watch movies with friends, get a massage, go out. there are tons of people out there who care about you, and will be there for you. and since you already know you have a thing with thinking the worse of things (aka imagination), busy yourself, don't give yourself the time to think so much. try to smile as much as possible, even though you might not feel like it. a change in you might trigger a change in him. but again thats not the point. the point is get well emotionally and mentally enough so you can be strong and see. if you have to cry, cry out loud. i bet the second time you think about the things that made you cry in the first place is less shocking.