What does his behavior change mean? LONG
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 9:29am |
We do not live together, we're both divorced, no kids. He has had a very tough time in the job market, and is currently working in a position that completely stresses him out. They lied to him about his job duties and his salary, the commute is long, and he is frustrated and angry about it most of the time, and is struggling to find another job in his field.
Most of the time, we would get together after work for dinner, he would call and ask me over, or since we have different days off, whoever wasn't working the next day would stay at the other's house. He calls me on his way into work, and on his way home, and also right before bed.
In the last two weeks, I've spent a total of one hour with him. I needed to borrow something for work, so he brought to me last Monday and brought lunch. He has not invited me to his house during this time. Before when I answered the phone he would always greet me with "hello beautiful!" and now it's changed to "hey."
Two Sundays ago he said he was spending the evening with his friend Jeff. I called at 9:30 and Jeff said he dropped him off at home 3 hours before because my bf said he was coming to my house. Never happened. I finally got in touch with him and he said he ran into some old work buddies at the store and went to have dinner with them. He usually calls to tell me if his plans are changing, but this time he didn't.
Friday night he called me just before 9pm, saying he was going to bed, he was really tired, he had to work early the next morning. It didn't sit right with me for some reason, so I drove over to his house. Just as I was turning down his street, his truck was pulling out of his driveway! I stopped him and asked where he was going, he said to the store for tobacco. I said I thought he was asleep, why would he need that now? He got really angry with me for checking up on him and asked when did I ever see him go out dressed in sweats? I told him I've been trying to communicate that things are really bad between us, that we need to talk, but he keeps shutting me out. He doesn't want to see me or spend time with me, he's crabby most of the time. I asked if there was someone else (I've asked this before) and he told me I was paranoid and couldn't believe I was bringing this up again! I mentioned that I had asked him twice before if he needed a break from our relationship, he said it had just been adding to his stress, and twice before he said no. Now he was really mad I checked up on him, told me it was a psycho thing to do and I needed to get my head straight. He said maybe a break was a good idea. I asked if that was what he really wanted, that I wanted to work it out, but I would respect his decision. He said yes.
I couldn't drive home for 1 hour, and he never did come back. I drove by his house on Sunday morning at 2am (I was on my way home from hanging out with friends) and he wasn't home. I haven't spoken to him. I know he was not with his normal group of friends.
I should mention that last year I was hanging out with Jeff because he had just split from his gf and was unhappy (he's like my brother). I told my bf everyplace we were, what we were doing, so he wouldn't worry. But one night he called when Jeff was over, picked a fight, and I ended up crying until about 11pm, with Jeff sitting 10 feet from me just listening. 11:30 my bf calls and asked if Jeff was still there and I said yes. Good thing too, HE drove by MY house to check. Oh, and I'M psycho?
Is he cheating? Is he mad because he got caught? Everyone I've asked said it sounds like something's definitely wrong and it really does sound like he's got someone on the side, even his best friend Jeff thinks so!
He doesn't look at me or talk to me the same anymore, he's distant and grouchy. I can't tell if it's stress or not, I don't know what happened. I will not contact him again, I erased all his numbers so he will have to contact me. He used to say I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that he'd do anything to make this relationship work. So what the &*&#$* happened??
Thanks for taking the time to read this. :-)

It sure does sound like he has cooled off towards you but then he also has bothered to check on you (which shows that he cares).
Its all too easy for me to say yeah dump him and most ppl will probably tell you to do that. But you know I wont say that. I would say...Talk to him. Give it a go. Dont confuse him by being with Jeff, avoid him if poss.
If I were you I would not let things end so easily. If anything you deserve to know. If you try to move on after spending 2.5 years without knowing what went wrong you will only be making things very hard for yourself and the breakup will leave you scarred. Meet him. Arrange a meeting somewhere really nice and relaxed. Then without making it sound like the spanish inquisition just ask softly. appear feminine. He will not compete with you that way. If you act soft and feminine he will want to protect you if only from the pain of not knowing.
If there is someone else then accept it and forgive him, forgive yourself and move on. But if the real issue for your breakup is trust issues, which I suspect it is then honestly accept your role in the slowing down of relationship. remember this. You guys may just be slowing down. You can make an effort to change sincerely what you can. Dont change what you cant. Compromise and promise to grow together.
You gotta take baby steps to success right now. All to often we rush in life. We act in haste and repent at leisure. Saunter instead. Take your time. Give him sopace and get yourself some too. Often a simple holiday away from each other is all you need. Disappearing every once in a while really works. Often guys are just too sick of all the sweet stuff we women do. So talk and relax, take a cooling off break.
And please please keep your mind open to the poss that good things dont always last. In your mind always keep one window called "Bail out" open if it gets too hard. There will be another man, really, but work on this one first. Dont give up till u are absolutely sure it wont work.
Cuddles
~ustaani
I neglected to mention one thing. Last September I found evidence that he had indeed cheated. I told him it was over, but he begged me to stay and said it was a huge mistake that only happened once, he was honestly remorseful. He agreed to go to therapy with me (something he's normally against) and we've been trying to work it out ever since. But in the last month or so, I've had the same feeling I did in Sept which led me to look for "clues" and I found one.
This time around I've found a couple of questionable things, and asked him about them, he doesn't seem too defensive. But instead of consoling me this time, he accused me of being paranoid. He could have told me to come with him to the store if I didn't believe him, but he didn't. We had previous conversations where we agreed when you catch someone lying, they become defensive and turn it away from them. I pointed out this was what he was doing, and he just rolled his eyes.
So, did I catch him at something? I'm letting him contact me, but I honestly don't think he will. It hurts so much to know how easily I have been replaced. I really want an explanation about what happened.
If he's stress out and wants out of you as an obligation....okay. If he's found someone more convenient, beneficial, or optioned....so be it.
It doesn't matter. It's over. You move on.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Focus on you and your healing.
Carrie
I can't "just move on." That's like telling someone with a broken arm to "get over it." It's simplistic and unrealistic. This hurts! I'm confused, shocked, taken off guard, upset and angry. I feel like I was tossed to the side like yesterday's garbage. I think at the very least I deserve an explanation (not that I'll ever get one).
I have lended my emotional support and tried to be there for him, he's had a string of bad things happen-an injury preventing him from working for 6 weeks, the death of his father AND step-father, loss of a job, frustration at not being able to break into his career field, and now this job where they outright lied to him about the job and the pay is lower than they said it would be. All of this in less than 2 years. So being stressed out is understandable.
But he used to lean on me, now he isn't. He knows I will be there to do what I can, but he pushed me away and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that there is some young girl who doesn't know him very well and tells him constantly how wonderful he is and she doesn't see his flaws. That must be better than a realistic, concerned girlfriend who loves and accepts you for who you are.
So please don't tell me to forget about it and move on. It's just not that simple, when I have so many unanswered questions. I didn't deserve this, it was obvious to everyone that he loves me, so what happened? If he decides to contact me after this "break" (which I'm not expecting) what do I do?
now im asking you to ask yourself, do you think it's something that's mendable? something you two can get pass? overcome? or is this the beginning of the end? has this happened before? again trust your feelings.
i was in a similiar situation. we took breaks, had our share of problems, always thought we'd get through them, but i was wrong. i couldn't take it anymore. no matter how much i loved him, i was in it alone, fighting for a relationship rather than having one. i let him go, and forced myself to move on. it was hard, but i knew it was the right thing to do. i knew nothing would change. not for a long time anyway. more than a break was needed. break up was the way. i hope this isn't the only solution for you, but sometimes its really not the worse thing that could happen.
i know that sounds kind of harsh. im not telling you to just drop it. it's hard, i know. but im not telling you to wait on him forever to stop needing his space. IF he does come back (which is NOT something you should be worried about right now. you need to focus on yourself, your self-esteem, self-trust, and the healing process), then decide if this could work out, if the two of you are in it together... if the trust can be rebuilt, etc. trust your feelings. be strong.
I've asked many people (some know my bf, others don't) what his behavior change might mean. I've asked guys if they were in this situation, what did it mean. Every single one of them thinks he's cheating. I really don't want that to be true, but I'm afraid it might be. He knows he was lucky to get a second chance with me and there will not be a third, but I need to KNOW he's cheating before I make a fatal decision, I can't go on an assumption. So I feel stuck.
I made him ask for this break, I felt he was trying to get me to do it and I wouldn't budge. I am not going to contact him. If and when he ever contacts me, I'm not sure what to do. Many people have told me to tell him we're finished and move on, but for some reason that's easier said than done. The evil, vindictive part of me wants to tell him that if he's not cheating and we all know I'm not, then why do I have some icky STD? I don't, I'm clean, but I AM going to the dr. tomorrow for another reason, so I could pull off a convincing bluff. But in the end I probably won't do that.
What hurts the most is the fact that if he is cheating, how easily I was replaced. I put all I had into this relationship, stood by him when no one else would, and it kills me to think a compliment or two from some pretty girl would make him toss that into the garbage. There is a song from Evanessence, "My Immortal" that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling:
When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.
I don't know how to handle this. Am I a sucker if we try to work it out? Things haven't been right with us now for awhile, but I don't know if it's worth saving. I thought it was, but if he has to go outside the relationship for whatever reason, then I guess it isn't. I just don't know.
How many times do you glue something together before you give up and get a new one, right?
So I guess my best advice for you would be, consider the source. I've found that anyone, just about, can act any way if it's in the interest of self. The moment self doesn't seem best served, they're outta there. I hope this isn't your guy, but to be honest, it sounds like it is. Two and a half years is a long time. The more you let yourself be vulnerable, the more it hurts. I would caution you against bitterness, however (I know it can be tempting), a lot of people who do really awful things justify/rationalize it by saying someone did it to them first. Then, the hurt goes on and on. I have found it better to let myself be hurt than to hurt those who might be innocent. On the other hand, sometimes we just have to be realistic.
I certainly feel for you and I'm not trying to trivialize your situation, but I also want to try to inspire you with hope for the future. There are a lot of people out there, and if this guy wants to be this way, just be glad you don't have to be wasting your time with this loser any more. At least that's how I'm trying to look at my situation. Best wishes!