What does it mean? Am i living in denial (Adults)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
What does it mean? Am i living in denial (Adults)?
7
Thu, 07-21-2011 - 1:00pm

Hi everyone,

I would like to know your opinion on something that's bothering me. I've been with my boyfriend for the past 6 years, i am 31 and he is 35. We have our issues just like every other couple.I have hurt him before and he's hurt me too, we have talked and decided to work on our relationship and we are..... I am a very independent person and never asked a man for a penny, gifts or anything AT ALL in my life. I own my house, pay my bills, have a decent job etc..unfortunately, i had a family emergency, and needed additional $300 and so, i asked if i can borrow from him and his answer was "i dont have money like that and have a lot of bills to pay". He then said, he will try to move bills around and see if he can comeup with it but, i was very much ashamed so i told him not to worry about it. Its not more so his answer that bothers me but, the fact that i know he does have the money..... Now; here a bit background on his lifestyle, he ownes a nice house, drives a 60K car, have a great job as a director or technology, have no kids or dependants or family to support. He will always buy very nice and expensive stuff for himself or his house hold but, if i ever say lets do this or that or go on vacation or anything else to that matter, he always talks how he is broke and have a lot of bills to pay....excuses or is it me? The 6 years we have dated, he never ever took me anywhere, not once not even for occasions like my birthday or his...everything we do revolves around the house...i know we all have bills to pay but, with him it seems its only a problem when i ask......weird? what exactly does this mean? am i living in denial? am really confused and need your help? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

You think that he has all these nice toys, then he should have money for you.

Hmm, well if he's got a loan on a 60k car he probably is making himself broke!

He's choosing to live like he's well off when it sounds like he's spending what he's earning. Not much extra to throw around. His choices.

I think that is shocking that he's never taken you out at all in all your 6 years together! Not even a birthday???

Does his money style match your money style? I mean if you were to get married someday - hypothetically - you kind of have to have the same ideas about money and how it's spent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

Instead of trying to analyze what he's saying or whether or not his words match up to his income, look at what you know:

His financial priority is spending money on toys for himself and his house. He may actually have very little spending money after taking care of his bills and his personal luxuries... But either way, you know for sure that spending money on you or vacations is not something that he considers a priority at all. It goes to show you, even after six years you have things left about a person to learn! I'm in a 6+ year relationship myself and sometimes I'm still surprised...

I know this isn't everyone's life plan, but since you haven't mentioned it, can I ask why you two aren't married or getting married? Do you plan to move your relationship further at any point? Normally I would say NEVER ask a SO for money, but you've been dating six years, are financially independent, you had a family emergency, and he is not hurting for cash. If he isn't willing to help you when you really need it (and those times are scarce) then you may be able to take this as a strong indication of how he would be acting if you did have a more committed relationship. The fact is that he did seem willing to do it, but he wanted you to know what a pain in the arse it would be for him and he allowed you to drop the subject and move on. That's not exactly generous.

If this were me, I would bring up the subject to him in terms of financial expectations... How you want to handle finances if you ever move in together, for instance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
Thank you for taking the time to respond. yes, at one point i have also thought the same, maybe hes just showing off and don't really have any extra but no its all BS....you see, he contradicts himself a lot when it comes to money...good example, when he purchased his vehicle he said he paid cash, he even showed me some pics of the briefcase, the car and the dealer etc....but the next minute or when every i want to do something he is broke and have a car payment and this and that...so, its not that he don't have it, hes just GREEDY......and insecure and selfish...in addition his family is rich and mine just pay their bills......i think that's really the big issue but, i stand strong and don't expect anything from anyone...i don't even ask him to take me out for my bday or our anniversary or any special occasion even though am an outside person and enjoy the outdoors, which he already knows.... i choose for people to do things for me out of their heart, just because they want to and NOT because i asked.......well, in the end what goes around comes right back around.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2011
thank you for taking the time to respond. your advice is greatly appreciated. i was alone and confused but, now i see whats going on.....hes just selfish beyond the normal or beyond what i have seen and know......it always seems that its all about what he wants and needs and nothing re:me....this experience has re-opened my eyes..thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004

You can do better than this.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003

You said it, GREEDY, insecure, selfish.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

He may live a big-spender lifestyle, but he may barely have the cash to cover all of his expenses, or he may have plenty of cash flow, but this we can only guess at. I don't know how much he makes and how much his bills are, only he does.

In either case, $300 is not much the scheme of things. I would think he could certainly come up with that amount for a one time expenditure very easily.

What is apparent here is that he does not want to give you the money, you can tell this by his reaction to your request. He is stingy and selfish in this regard. I think you could say that about more than just money matters if in 6 years he has never even taken you out for your birthday! So the larger issue is I think he is in general a selfish person and not very giving.

When the chips are down, he gives you excuses to why he cannot help you. Do you think this bodes well for the future? If you stay with him, inevitable more situations and emergencies will crop up now and then and is this the kind of reaction you want to deal with the rest of your life?