What does "Taking a Break" mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
What does "Taking a Break" mean?
6
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:08pm
My boyfriend and I of 11 years have had a bumpy road for the last year. Mainly his "single life" mentality of going out all the time, not including me in his activities with friends, etc. The last year was full of empty promises made by him that he would stop drinking excessively and stop going out so much. We've been working on respecting each other's differences, likes/dislikes, in recent weeks, but things still haven't been great. Yesterday, he and I had a talk about what's been going on, and he said he hasn't been fully appreciating me, etc., and that he didn't want to continue to make empty promises. After all was said and done, he said that he thought we should "take a break" from the relationship so that he can continue to think about our conversation, what he needs to change, etc. He said that he didn't want to jump right back into the swing of things because he didn't want to lose sight of our talk and get lazy about things and end up right where we left off. To me, taking a break means not seeing each other or calling each other. But he still wants the lines of communication to be open so that we can continue to talk about whatever we're feeling, things left unsaid, etc. That's fine, and I wholeheartedly agree, but is that really taking a break or taking things "slow?" He was talking about maybe having dinner sometime this week, but again, is that what constitutes a break? I'm a little confused about the situation and I'm uncertain what to make of it. Part of me feels that I've done so much and tried so hard to make things work between us and after all is said and done, I still don't have the relationship that I want, and what's more, we're on a break! I feel like he caused the problems, now HE wants to take a break, and all I want is a happy, healthy relationship. When I came home yesterday, I found that he had taken all his belongings out of my place and he returned his keys back to me. This all felt really surreal, as things ended last night on an upbeat note. Like I said, I'm really not sure what to make of this situation.

Any insights would really help!

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 2:45pm
i apologize in advance if this sounds harsh, but he's playing you. he wants to have all the benefits of dating you with none of the responsibilities. he can go a week without calling you because you're on a "break". he doesn't have to commit to anything with you while on this "break". do you really think he's going to want to end the "break" and have to operate under the guidelines of a real relationship? doesn't sound like he was that great a BF when you weren't on a break; can you imagine how he'll act now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:03am
My suggestion is do not be so available...let him know that you have a life & friends. That is much more appealing than being needy & clingy.

Dandelion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:13am
In a way I think this is a blessing in disguise and a reality check for you.

Personally I could never tolerate someone who drinks excessively and goes out all the time. He may have a problem with alcohol. Do you really want this in your life?

I would take a break. It will feel difficult at first when he is gone but try to keep busy. As time passes you will miss him less and I believe you will know what to do. Try not to make yourself upset by looking at the past and the memories. But look at what you have now.

You have no real commitment after 11 years and you have a man that drinks and does not really care about the relationship.

In my opinion you have been way too tolerant and he doesn't respect you any more. Work on developing a life without him and making yourself so good that a real prince will come along and snap you up.

There are lots of princes out there.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 11:33am

It can be very confusing when a person says one things with words, but his actions say something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 1:50pm
Your story sounds similar to mine. My boyfriend of 4 years fed me the same line, "I just want to take a break." He was just tired of trying to work things out and thought if we spent a little time apart it would help. But the entire break we talked on the phone every night and even saw each other twice or more times a week. I finally told him I wasn't going to give him a break anymore, we could either break up or work things out. Well he insisted we would work things out and he definately didn't want to lose me. But the next weekend came and again I was left at home alone again, so much for working on things. I started getting alittle curious about him and did alittle investigating. Turns out he had been cheating on me for 6 months. He would tell me he was going to a friends and really be with his other girlfriend. Well I asked him about it and he denied it, so I got the girls phone number and gave her a call, I was really nice cause I needed her to work with my plan. Turns out she didn't even know about me. When they met she knew he had a girlfriend, but a month after they met he told her we had broken up, she had her doubts too. So I went up to his work and asked if he could take a break as we turned the corner walking to my car there was his other girlfriend standing beside my car. BUSTED! He is trying so hard to get me back, but I don't think I can forgive him. Check up on it even if you don't think he would do that. You could be in denial because you love him and don't want it to be true. Anyways that is my story. If it sounds out at all like yours you may want to check up on what exactly he is doing when he is "Out with his friends."
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 3:03pm

Hello,


I didn't get the opportunity to read the other member's responses, so if I repeat anything, I apologize.


First off, I understand where you are coming from. You want a definition, lines to be drawn, boundaries. He is calling it one thing, you think it is another. But, "a break" to you means something completely different. I know, it is frustrating, and I have been through it! I am sure when you explain to him that you are confused by what things are and what things could be, that he just doesn't get it, because he is just going with the flow. Right?


Who knows what his intentions are. I am not sure he is neccessarily playing you, he may just be as lost and confused as you are. The best thing you can do here, is since you both aren't straight in what the boundaries are right now, is do what is best for you! If you need to take a REAL break, then don't be available for him to talk to. And when he asks why, just tell him straight up that you can't be dragged through this emotional roller coaster with no boundaries or definition. That if he truly wants a break, that you are giving it to him, so that you can stay sane through all this.


I know, it is emotional. But, do what is best for you. If it is to sit down and give him an ultimatum, it is that. If it is to take a REAL break, then it is that. If it is to take things slow, then it is that. But, set up boundaries and definitions in your head, and you define what it is for you. And keep to it, until you are ready to make it different.

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"