What eles has he not told me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
What eles has he not told me?
5
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:43pm
Is this a sign of more deception? Will I look back and say I should have known then? Here's what happen. I have only been married for 6 mo. But have known my husband for 2 years. On wed. 2-25 he came home and told me there was something he needed to tell me.When he was 21yrs. old he fathered a baby girl. which was put up for adoption, And the only reason he is telling me now is that she contacted him on Monday. In five days he has emailed, sent photos, and shared family history (alot that he has never even shown me) It sounds and feels in a wierd way that i'm jealous. It's almost like he has a new women in he's life. I'm not upset that he fathered a child, but I can't understand why he did not mention this during any of the many conversations we have had about past relationships, marriage and something we both want to have right away, children and how lovely it would be. You see i'm 32 years old, nevered married and no children.(that means none!!! on this planet) He is 45 years old, married once, and no children."oh Yeah" he must have forgot the baby girl he last saw 24 years ago in the hospital the day she was born. I wish I could be more supportive and I'm sure I'll come around. But,right now I feel i've been robbed the joy of having has child. It was something dear to me since we both were older and coming into our marriage with just us. Please let me know if i'm just being silly. or should I worry that he has a selective memory?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:19pm
I wouldnt call what your feeling jealousy. I think its absolutely justafiable disapointment, confusion, anger etc. I dont know how I would handle your situation. He is a liar, plain and simple. To top that off, I think you need to ask yourself if you really want to be with a man who could father a child and walk out on it, giving no support of any kind to his offspring or to the mother. He was 21 years old..young but not so young that he didnt know better. There is no excuse for what he did. Not to mention he never intended to tell you about this but he had to because it became inconvenient for him, as she is now trying to be in his life. Chances are he probably isnt hiding anything else from you but can you ever be sure? I dont know what advice to give you about this situation. Do you think you can get over this betrayal? Because thats what it is....it may have happened years ago but it doesnt matter...its a betrayal of your trust. If I was in your shoes I would seriously rethink this relationship. Im sorry if that seems harsh but dont you deserve better than this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:48pm
Well, I'm adopted and I think you're being pretty irrational about the whole thing.

It's not "his fault" that you're 32, never been married till now and have no kids of your own. It's "his fault" - that you are now married at 32 and perhaps going to have kids - if it is something you two agree to do and can physically pull off.

24 years ago he likely wAS NOT in the delivery room...he might have been. But most adoptive parents are NOT present at any point post-birth of the child. The child was put up for adoption pre-birth, the paperwork signed, the baby taken away from the natural mother - and that is the end of that.

Some babies are adopted out post-birth, as in this was never discusssed as an option, there was no planning for it, and post-birth the mother decided she wasn't capable of parenting and the father wasn't willing/wanting to parent as a single person...and so they both agreed to give the child up.

It can go even further.....if he was unaware of the pregnancy, put on a birth certificate as a natural father, and yet he signed nothing because he and the mother were totally uninvolved - admittedly, that is a rarity and causes complications if attempted.

But, parents giving up a child for adoption are encouraged to "severe any emotional attachment" to this particular child - that's ensured by keeping the infant and parents APART and getting the infant to the adoptive parents as soon as possible.

People often give up their children for adoption for an extremely noble reason....their financial position, marital status, educational level, their maturity at that time- is not what they desire a child of THEIRS to be raised in. They give up the cild to give it everything they cannot provide for it - a two parent home, financial stability, and options as a result.

I really have no statistical reference to say how many adopted children find their natural parents. I know I never have, nor desired to - although I've been encouraged to pursue it by a variety of people for a myriad of reasons.

I believe these days (I'm 40 and was adopted at 5 days old) more medical and genetic information is passed on to the adopted child via the adoptive parents via the agency used - because as diseases become discovered - familial medical history becomes more imperative to know.

But at any rate, she's 24 and has contacted him as her parent. Which is great, it means that the "daughter" he did not get to raise - is someone that he might be in contact with as a "grown adult". He's not required to parent or support her - simplly enjoy her companionship for the mature, reasonable, stable (hopefully) adult she is.

That has NOTHING to do with you, your marriage, your option to have children. Although if I were him, at 45.....I wouldn't have an infant unless my genetics were superior in terms of aging and health, and financial status was EXTREMELY sound. He's going to be 63 when the child graduates high school, and he's going to be running around after an infant in his 50's. Taht is NOT impossible to accomplish - but it much easier to accomplish if financial security in abundance is a reality. Andfinancially - he'd have to be extremely sound to fund a college education in retirement years. But, that's just me...and he might easily not perceive it similarly or feel the same way.

You're going "but I feel so unincluded" - well, hello - you are unincluded because you weren't around when he was 21......you were 13 when he was having a baby. And you think YOU feel unincluded...what about him feeling "unincluded" in her life! Not sure what she wants out of this contact - hopefully just contact of a positive and healthy nature. Not sure what he's expecting to give, do, expect, receive out of this contact - hopefully nothing but the knowledge that his offspring was raised well, educated well, and is a successful adult as a result of his choice and that of the birth mother NOT to try to parent at ages themselves where they were hardly capable of handling their own lives.

He didn't seek this contact....he received it. He's got a child he hasn't known...yes, he knew OF her but I think after 24 years....it is highly likely that he assumed he would never be contacted except for medical emergency and even then, possibly not. Maybe he's got grandchildren...or will have grandchildren (and so will you FYI) if she's inclined to marry and have children anytime soon....good news, more people to love, admire, respect, and include!

Although I personally would be inclined to mention this to a person who was to become my spouse...I can also see where others might not say anything and not consider it a grave error in judgment, or an ommission intended to mislead.

He was encouraged, and obviously did, sever any connection to "parenting this child" - so that he could become the person he now is...that you love. And he's getting a second chance....not with obligations and responsibilites to raise her from the sound of it - but to interact with her and include her in his life.

If you want to see how he'll respond to children should you two have them....watch how he responds to her. If he disassociates by his choice, he likely will turn from your children when there are neeeds, obligations, or responsibilities ot meet that conflict with his personal agenda.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:44pm
When you asked him why he hadn't told you, what did he say? Did he outright lie to you? Or did he just not tell you? Has he lied before and this is one in a pattern?

It was 24 years ago. Maybe I'm wrong but, in your post, it seems they were not married or living together? It was an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy and the baby was put up for adoption. Their, the parents, relationship, if there ever was one, was over? If all this is true, here are my thoughts.

I'll probably very sound old but, people looked at this type of thing very differently back then. It may not seem like a large age difference between the two of you but, that many years saw a lot of changes in the general level of acceptance. It was all meant to be kept hush, hush. It was looked at as a huge embarrasement. I'd venture a guess that, at his age now, he may have even gone through some feelings that maybe he'd be a failure as a father. He's pretended she doesn't exist and it's been hush, hush for him for 24 years. If she never contacted him, there would never be a reason to talk about it ever. When she contacted him, he came and told you. He did not hide it and you did not find out by accidental curcumstances? Good for him. That had to be very difficult knowing he's kept it from you all this time.

This is a huge turn of events in his and your lives. He's the father of an adult daughter. I can understand your feeling that you were robbed of the chance to give him his baby first. But you if you two have a child togehter, you will be the woman who gives him the family in which to raise the child too. Something he, this other woman, and his daughter never had. How do you see yourself fitting into his daughters life?Which way do you want it to go?

My bf has a dd17. I'm just her friend. We shop and have girl talk over lunch. I hang out with she and her dad and sometimes it includes my 3ds and the dog! Bf takes her out sometimes, without me. She has a busy, full life so we don't see her that often. Big difference though - although Bf and his daughter were estranged when I met him (long story) I always knew about her.

You have a lot of this to sort through and I sincerely hope you sit down and share all your concerns with your husband. He probably could use a non-accusitory, sounding board about now. If he's dumping info on her, maybe you could help with this 'get to know you' process. Be part of it and then decide what to do. I've heard a lot of these reunions do not turn out as anyone thought they would.

I would not assume that he's hiding anything else. I would definately get the communication lines open and keep them well used on this.

Best of luck to you all. Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 3:17am
"But,right now I feel i've been robbed the joy of having has child. It was something dear to me since we both were older and coming into our marriage with just us. Please let me know if i'm just being silly. or should I worry that he has a selective memory?


I believe that you're making a huge deal out of something that 1) happened too long ago to ever affect you, and 2) was not something that you "needed" to know in order to have a happy marriage with him.

So the kid has shown up in his life out of the blue and he's dealing with it and adjusting to it and welcoming her/him.... and you're jealous just because he got someone else pregnant?

Best bet for you is to support him and not make a huge deal out of this - unless you want to punish him forever or get a divorce over it.

In other words, I go with what Erin said wholeheartedly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:58pm

well i can understand your feeling of "what else is he not telling me". but I think that RIGHT NOW your husband needs your love and support. i mean, he gave up this child for adopotion 24 years ago, and never had any contact with her, i am sure this is NOT an easy time for him either. yes, you and he have things to discuss, but first i would say you need to be there for HIM.


is he a "liar"? I don't know. this is something you will have to deal with from this point forward. I can see how he could "put the baby girl out of his mind" because I am sure that giving up a baby for adoption is very traumatic, and as erin said, he was encouraged to walk away and forget about her. i am sure she was not "out of his heart".


talk to him, listen to him, support him. after the dust settles, you and he need to work thru this.