What happened to romance and love?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
What happened to romance and love?
4
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:27am
My dh and I have been married since August 2002, together for 2 years prior. We just had a daughter a couple months ago. Before we ever got pregnant we were always together, always intimate. Once I got pregnant, I just didn't have the same urge (TMI I know sorry!) to be intimate like I did before. My dh seemed to take this hard, he would ask and I would say no. Frankly I don't know how any woman can be interested in sex when they are pregnant, but I know some can't get enough. heh

Anyways, now that our dd is born, it's gotten a little better, but I just don't have the same drive as I did before she was born. My dh works nights so he is always sleeping during the day, sometimes for long hours, has been 12+. So it's just me and my dd. She wakes up at 5:30am, I feed her and we are usually back to sleep by 7am, back up around 9 and then she usually naps again till around 11. I don't get to goto bed until at the latest sometimes 12am when my dd has finally gone to sleep for the night. That's a 12+ hour day. By the time 10pm rolls around I am usually pretty tired. My dh doesn't understand. I once said to him that after the baby was born everything bedroom wise would be back to normal. For the most part, it is. Except for the fact that there's no love or romance. I try explaining it to him, he will just say to me "You wanna do it?!" or "Let's do it!" Meanwhile our dd is up all bright eyed, I ask him, "and what do you want me to do with our dd? I'm not just going to leave her sitting in the living room alone while we have sex! That's just not right." Plus it really gives me the creeps for some reason.

I just wanna know where the romance is?! I tried explaining to him that it's different for women. They can't just get into it at the snap of a finger like men can. (I'm sure there are some that can, I just can't...) I asked him if he'd ever heard of fore play. I said, "maybe try it sometime" He gets all pi$$ed off when I say no and then won't talk to me when I try and explain this to him. I NEED romance, I NEED more then just an "I love you" What ever happened to MAKING LOVE?! How do I make him understand that a woman needs to be shown love, as well as told?! He just doesn't get it, and I just don't know how to get him to understand what I mean. I said to him, "would you like me to just say ok, everytime you ask me and then just lay there, because YOU wanted to and I didn't?" He just tells me to go away, because he doesn't want to talk to me. So right now, he's laying on the floor in our dd's room sleeping because, he says, I should lay with our dd till she falls asleep. I KNOW he's in there because he's ticked off at me because I said I didn't want to have sex.

WHY WHY WHY doesn't he understand? I've tried telling him nicely, he doesn't get it, we've fought about it, and he doesn't get it, I've tried just not talking about it at all, and he doesn't get it. HOW do I get him to understand what I mean? Like am I wrong here? I NEED romance, I NEED to be shown love. I just don't get it?! Why won't he listen to me? I am SO tired of fighting and bickering over stupid stuff like this. Is this relationship forever doomed or is there a way to get him to understand me?

TIA

Stephanie


Edited 5/28/2003 9:27:34 AM ET by magma01

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:19pm
I understand what you're going through. My husband and I have been married for almost three years, and we have a 5-month old son. When I was pregnant I had a rough time. I had TERRIBLE morning sickness for the first five months (the kind that lasts all day). Therefore, not much sex for the first 5 months. Then after that went away, I started feeling really BAD. Not nauseated, just bad. Anyway, it turned out I had pre-ecclampsia, but the point, I was very sick for my entire pregnancy. I didn't want sex much at the beginning, none at the end, and none after I had him (for awhile). Eventually, though, my drive came back. But I was in your same position, it had been so long since we'd "made love," that I wanted to be romanced and wooed. But he just wanted sex, fast and furious! So I let him have it. He got what he wanted, and felt some much needed relief, and his sanity returned.

It's very hard to keep the romance alive when you have a new baby (although I'm blessed with one that has slept through the night since he was 8 weeks old!), because you're tired and stressed out. My husband and I have a sort of unspoken compromise worked out. During the week, when he and I have both worked all day, and we're both exhausted, we just have "sex." But on the weekends, we take our time. He gives me what I need, and does it willingly, because he gets what he needs all week. Maybe that could work for you, too. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:39am
Have you tried initiating something romantic?? Can you find a babysitter and just the two of you go out and enjoy a nice dinner or something along that line?? It sounds to me like the two of you really need some alone time. Also I keep hearing you say "I need, I need", what about his needs???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:58am
"I NEED romance, I NEED to be shown love. I just don't get it?! Why won't he listen to me?"

Stephanie,

I do understand your pov- I need the same things! But one thing you have to also admit is that your husband has needs too- and after such a long period of relative "dry spell", he must be desperately needing sex!

I know your drive has disappeared, but his hasn't and can you imagine how frusterated he must feel at this point? What I think is that in order for one of you to get what you need, you need to give him what he needs also- kind of take turns. And at this point, I'd say his need for sex must outweight your need for romance- he's been without it for a long time and the physcial drive is very strong, even for me, a woman, I'd be insane by that point.

Then, after you have given him what he needs, and he's not at the point of desperation anymore- then it's his turn to attend to your needs and be romantic. Look, I love romance as much as the next girl but if I demanded it every time my husband tried to touch me we'd never be intimate- and that's not good for your marraige.

You BOTH deserve to get what you need- and before you have the right to demand things from him, you have to acknowelege that he has the right to ask things of you too.

One thing your dd needs is parents who have a good, happy marraige. Don't let your marraige go or you'll all regret it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 9:54am
Was he romantic and giving you foreplay before?

If not, why are you expecting having a child to change that? IF he was, you two need to sit down and talk because there's deeper resentments and this is the ground you two are using to fight on - but it's not what the battle is about.

Erin

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