What is he Telling Me????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
What is he Telling Me????
3
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 1:36pm
I have been in a long distance relatioship for 8 months now. He currently lives in Canada and I live in Indiana. He came down for Christmas and we had a great one!!! But, he told me that he loves me, very deeply, but thinks there is something missing. He is not sure what it is, but would like the time and space to figure it out. He did elude to the fact that he might want to go out with another, but is not sure. He said he did not want to be disrespectful to me, if he did go out while still with me. We have been through a lot together over the past 8 months...we talk on the phone nightly, see each other at least 2 x a month. He believes that we are meant to be with each other, as I do too. My son graduates from HS in 4 months, at that time I am willing to go where my boyfriend is, and he knows that. I am trying to understand what is going on, but it's very hard. He says I have done more for him than anyone ever has in his whole life, he sometimes talks about not being deserving etc.... I asked what I should be expecting during this, and one thing he said not talking to each other every day, and he would wonder what I was doing. Well we have talked every day!!!! So I'm very confused on the whole idea of this situation. Any comments, suggestions, insight???? I would greatly appreciate it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 9:38pm
Hi - If you only know him for 8 months, and things are kind of "weird"...would you still seriously considering moving where he lives? If you have a child/children, I think that would be a big mistake, and I think it would be a mistake even if it was just you.

He apparently is not sure of your relationship if he's talking about possibly going out with someone else. And if that's the case, rushing into living together is no guarantee that these thoughts will be out of his mind.

I would feel that he obviously needs to get some things out of his system before he settles down. You're not going to like this, but I suggest you give each other a real break from each other (a month, at least) to sort things out. You don't want to go making a mistake that will take a LOT of correcting, down the road.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:59am
Please do not move anywhere to be with someone who may want to date other people.

Give yourself a timeline. He should be clear with you about what he wants by ____ or you are leaving. You can't live in limbo.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:22am

Long distance relationships are difficult. Even though you've spoken a lot and seen each other a good amount given the situation, there is often a great deal that is missed in terms of truly knowing one another. There is something about the daily, on-going contact with someone, with going through issues together, which helps you truly know a person and how they hold up under various kinds of pressure. The fact that you are confused about what is going on is often a part of long distance situations. It sounds to me as though he wants to see someone else - and is letting you know it in an oblique way. He's probably met someone closer to where he is who is of interest to you. No matter what he says about how much you mean or have meant to him, his actions say something else. They say that he is not someone you can count on. Even though you feel he is the one, and even though he may say so, if he truly felt this way, he would not want to date.


I would expect nothing further from this siatuion. Let him go his way. Don't be dangled on a string and don't let hopes tie you up. If he is going to date, you may do the same now. You have no further obligation to him as a girlfriend. Become very clear about this point, both with yourself and with him. It's not enough for him to say he may want to date and not disrespect you. You don't want to function with shadows and doubts around. Either he will or won't date. Even if he gives himself permission to, that is really the end. You must do the same and let him know it. You also should not keep this going under these conditions as it can only cause you increasing anxiety, confusion and break your heart.


All good wishes.