What is He Trying to Tell Me.
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| Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:33am |
I posted this situation earlier, but to the wrong board.
I need your views and opinion about some situations that is going on with someone who means a lot to me. We are both widowed. He came back into my life after my husband passed. We had a prior relationship years before that was very special.
Problems number one. He told me one of his old flames wants to come one weekend and stay at his house. He told her okay. So she is coming to go to a football game that weekend. She is going to bring her two children and a friend (female). This was not discussed with me prior to making these plans. He says they will be OUR guest for that weekend. So why was I not considered in these plans. I do not live with him. He says he loves me and I need to start trusting him more. Their relationship is over and he has no feelings for this person and just want to save them hotel fare. I am hurt and confused about what course I should take that weekend. He did not show concern for me by making these plans without my input. This is his home and he can invite whomever he wants to stay there. So I can't make demands on him about who he invites to his home. I love him, but I feel he could have given me the option to voice my own opinion. I am obviously confused and hurt about that weekend. Should I stick around even though he did not discuss this with me and act as if this is okay? Should I make my own plans for the weekend excluding him and HIS guest. That is the weekend he has asked me to attend church services with him and I have gone to some expense to prepare for this.
Problem number 2. Last night he asked me did I wanted some space. It seems I always have something to do (go see about my dog, pick up my mail, check my house). I asked him to tell me if he wanted space. I would abide by his decision. I DON'T want to have space, but I don't want to be a nusiance to anyone either. He kind of talked in circles. I don't know if this has something to do with this person coming or am I being too demanding on his time. On the other hand he says we don't need to see each other everyday that he will be down there on the hill. And I can see some sense in this. I asked him if we could discuss this. He says yes, but will not commit to a time. As much as this is hurting me should I back off. Then he will have me kind of at his mercy. He is always nice to me. He buys me nice gifts and does nice things for me. But sometimes communication is difficult. He just seem to close up on me. I don't know what to do. He is not much of a telephone talker because of his hearing. I am the first to admit, I am very insecure, especially now that this has come up.
Problem number three. I am a very sensual person, but I get to a point in our physical relationship where I close up and he can't penetrate. I have been using a spermicide. I don't care if we don't have sex because he has lots of health concerns-- prostate cancer, heart disease, type 2 diabetes. He takes very good care of himself by keeping up with his doctor's appointments, exercising, eating right and taking his medication as he should. I have tried to communicate to him that this does not matter . I think the idea that he can't penetrate is a problem for him. Any suggestions here. I have explained to him that the penetration things is my problem. I just get dry. I am afraid he might want someone who will be able to let him penetrate and really carry out the act. We have had very satisfying sex. I, on the other hand enjoy what we do. And I love sex. He is very caring during those times. Do you think this is a reason he wants to have some space? He is also retired and I went back to work. If he had come into my life earlier I would have given up my job.
Writing about this has kind of put things in perspective for me. In my reading between the lines I am reading this: Back off. Do you read this, too? Your ideas and opinions and ideas are very welcome.

Not to sound disrepectful...but Pianoguy wishes he could charge you by the hour! There's an awful lot of business covered in your post...and frankly, the amount of money I'd be making by providing "advice" would have exceeded what was in the tip jar Saturday night!
ANYWAY...
Issue #1: The gentleman and you live in different homes. He extended an invitation to this woman AND HER 2 CHILDREN to stay at HIS HOUSE...so why do YOU need to be consulted? I'm not quite sure I understand the "Our guest" reference since he owns the home. This might have been a subtle way for him to "include you in the weekend activities" without actually asking you. It's possible the man considers you important enough in his life that a "formal request" wasn't necessary? Unfortunately...you took his 'forgetfulness' as a snub! And this makes you look like a control freak! . Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the man say that the woman who is coming to visit meant NOTHING to him? Platonic friendship can happen if there has been enough separation-time between a man and a woman! Besides...she's bringing her 2 children with her. Sounds like "built-in chapparones" to me!
By the way...how EXPENSIVE is it to "go to church?" Pianoguy was brought up believing any "House of God" will accept you whether you're wearing a 3-piece suit or a dish rag! I don't understand your 'church reference' at all.
Issue#2: Do you think the man is starting to find you a little "clingy?" He might enjoy spoiling you with dinner, trinkets or whatever seems to please you...but your responses (or perhaps your attitude) might bothering him? Nobody is suggesting that you re-arrange your responsibilities and cater to ANYBODY! But if you're inventing excuses not to see the guy...or want the relationship strictly on your terms...your b/f might not care for "the terms!" This is the reason the 'maybe we should take a break' issue came up? There's also the possibility that the combination of your insecurity and his lack of conversation might be keeping him from voicing his TRUE FEELINGS about your relationship?
You don't need a formal document to give a person his or her space...just take it!
Issue#3: Pianoguy isn't a sex therapist. So commenting on "the penetration problem" isn't appropriate. There ARE several ivillage boards who address sex issues...so you might want to reference one of them? However...I sense that your desires are definitely "out of sync" with his. You want certain...err...feelings the man can't share. Do you feel the physical problems he has is a good enough reason to "write the man off?"
Basically...I think you're looking for an excuse to do END THINGS...so...END THINGS! But one small favor? Before you hook up with another man...try to remember that understanding and compromise are important in ANY RELATIONSHIP!
This 'therapy session' is over....I'm gonna go walk my border collie!
Pianoguy
Boy, are you about business and to the point. Thanks for reading my post as throughly as you did and so quickly. Your advice is truly harsh and to the point, but makes lots of sense to me now. Just a word about how we got started this last time.
We had a relationship many years ago. He jilted me and married another woman. I learned since we got back together that she lied about being pregnant. He married her because he was on his way to Vietnam and did not want to leave a child behind without a name not knowing if he would make it back alive. So he married her. I have forgiven him and admire him for putting the child's welfare ahead of his own happiness at the time. Then we each became widowed snd we both moved back home. His wife died first and almost as soon as my husband died he waited a few months and called me. The chemistry is still there. He is so good to me and I love him with all my heart. I feel like we were destined to be together. My moving back home had nothing to do with him. But like you say I am clingy. My church reference was out of order. I agreed with you on that subject.
I don't want IVillage to YANK your post so CAREFUL with your strong words. I DO READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. I am feeling somewhat better about the situation now that I have read your response. I am waiting to hear from him now. I hope he calls me soon. I can't blame him if he doesn't. I see I have brought this all on myself.
Sorry about the third problem, I seem to be posting to the wrong board a lot. But your comments about the other problems are appreciated. I will find the right post to go to.
I can't thank you enough for your harsh eye opening advice.
YOU ARE MY HERO NOW. Thanks
Pianoguy appreciates the fact that you were willing to "fill in some missing puzzle pieces" connected with this man. It makes your situation somewhat easier for me to understand.
As most ivillagers (who have read my posts in the past) will tell you, my responses are based entirely upon the words that are used. A few might seem "harsh", but I don't go out of my way to be mean. Having written well over a thousand responses over a period of 2.5 years, I've found it easy to tell the difference between a woman who wants a man's opinion....or just wants to vent! Now VENTING is okay and all of us do it...including ME. The problems start when we make a judgement call that ALL MEN or ALL WOMEN behave the SAME WAY...based on the actions of one person! I'm sure you know that the "one size fits all" theory doesn't apply here!
Suggestion: Give your man a week to contact you...and if he doesn't....then send off a nice (not mushy) snail mail card to his address. Include a short note inside that indicates you miss his company and would like to reach a better understanding so the relationship the two of you have WILL BE A LOT BETTER THAN EVER BEFORE! I wouldn't go into anything about his diabetes or make any sexual suggestions for the future. Just try to get the friendship you have together "back on track!"
Best wishes, warm thoughts and many, many thanks for your "heroic compliment"....
Pianoguy
I have done a lot to fill my day, but this evening is especially difficult to get through.
I gathered my husband's clothes and prepared to give them away, completely clean one closet, went to Sunday School, shopping but bought nothing worthwhile, went walking around the yard, pulled weeds, gathered zinnia seeds to scatter for the spring, wrote lesson plans for the coming week and cleaned the oven. I came home, checked my telephone messages and there is nothing on the answering machine from him all day. I wish I did not have to check my answering machine, but there might be other messages that I need to attend to.
Thanks for your suggestions, especially the one about giving him a week. I will then send him a short message telling him I miss him.
I don't think you were mean, only stating the facts as you see them with what you had to go on. I really needed to read that or I might have made all the wrong decisions. I thank my higher power you were here to help guide me in the right direction. I will keep you posted as to how things turn out.
Thanks for your honesty.
Good Luck.
Issue #1 - I think you're overreacting. It sounds like he wants to include you as his GF in this weekend, he wouldn't do that if he had anything to hide, and he didn't need your permission to invite them to stay.
Issue #2 - Most couples don't need to see each other every day, and I think he's saying he would prefer a little less togetherness if only so that you can both get other things done without having to entertain the other. It also gives you more to talk about and it's more exciting when you do get together.
Issue #3 - Use a lubricant before sex. It's normal at your age to have some dryness and that's what we menopausal women do to ease penetration. If his medications cause erection problems then there's always Viagra. And I don't think this is why he wants a little space. It sounds like you have a great sex life that can be fantastic for both of you with a little help.
Pianoguy suggested I give him a week to think things over and then write him a simple note telling him I miss him and I would like to try again. He did say he needed time to think about it. This is so hard. I love this man so much. I guess my insecurity has something to do with being jilted by him the first time. He was snatched right out of my arms those many years ago. He explained what happened and I admire him for putting a child's welfare first. The baby she claimed she was having came two years later. She admitted she lied. I don't intend to mention this to him again. If given the chance I will look to our future not back. I feel God has given us another chance to find happiness with each other. I am going to try to give him his space and trust him more if I am given the opportunity.
We both agreed we did not want to get married. Last Friday night as we lay in his bed he asked me what would I say if he popped the question about this time next year. I told him I would probably say yes. I think I would definitely say yes. Now this. What happened? I don't know.
To you and Pianoguy, thanks for taking the time to talk with me about my guy. Please pray that we will be able to work out our problems.
What you need to do now is completely accept it. Give him the trust that he deserves. You don't have to wait a week to make contact. All you have to do is call him and suggest you that you two make dinner for his friends one night. Get him involved in the preparations and be excited about it. He is YOUR man, and you need to show him that you will be the partner he needs in his life through all things, all circumstances, in every way. Please don't let the way you've always done things blind you to a different but equally fine way of approaching life. That's a big mistake.