What the heck does this mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
What the heck does this mean?
7
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 6:18pm

I have been spending time with a guy for approx. 4 months. He has just got out of a 7-9 year (not sure) marriage.  We agreed we would take one day at a time and we have been seeing each other and staying with each other for approx. 50-70% of the 4 months.  He came across a letter his ex wrote him that discribed everything she did not like about him.  We were discussing things and he said he would like to see what it is like to be free and not have to answer to anyone.  I asked him why he feels the need he needs to answer to me.  I do not tell him every thing I do through out the day.  He said that is just how he is wired.  He said he always goes full force in relationships and feels like he needs to call if he is stopping by the store or having a beer etc.  I said that is not necessary. Like just now he text me he was going to the pool.  I am not used to having to give min by min plays but that is fine. I do not ask for him to do that.  He says he wants to change that and has told me he likes me more than ever now.  This is where the confusion is.... his exact works are "I don't want to date, but I want to be free to date.  He said he does not want to date anyone and continue seeing me but wants to be free to date?? What the?? I replyed "why dont' you just say lets date other people"? His response was I don't want to stop spending time with you. I just want to be free to date. Mind you, we were friend from long ago and just touch each others lives again thru match.com...he just renewed his subscription again.  I said we should date other people and if we want to see each other we can call or text and see if we are available.  He responds I want to see you tonight!! I am not available tonight so we are dancing tomorrow night.  what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 4:41pm

OH and I think that's great--he trusts you not to sleep around--did he promise also that he would not have sex with anyone else or is it just you who needs to be monogamous?  And if I were you I would stop be avilable to him so much, like he can't just assume now that you will be around whenever he wants--he needs to make plans in advance to take you out.  And stop telling him what you are doing when you aren't with him--just tell him you have plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 4:38pm

Honestly I would feel kind of offended that he wants to take a step backward.  If I met a guy and he says he only wants to date casually and we should both be free to date others, then I can say fine, I won't get too involved--and I probably wouldn't have sex with him because I know that would make me want to be attached and I would get jealous thinking of him being with other women.  But if you've been dating someone exclusively for a few months and are already into a sexual relationship and then the guy says that he wants freedom, to me that's insulting--and it doesn't make sense for him to say that he likes you more than ever but basically if he's around town or in a bar some night & sees some little cutie he can do whatever and then justify it by saying that he told you that he wants to be free.  I think he really doesn't know what he wants or he just got out of the marriage and doesn't want to jump into another relationship.  I don't know whether to tell you to break up or not, but I'd certainly tell him if he wants to be free, then you are going to date other guys too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 3:51pm

It sounds like he wants to have the best parts of both worlds, the spontaneity and lack of committment of a single person, and the easy companionship and sex of a married person. So he wants to keep you on the back burner for the comfortable sex and friendship part, while he has the freedom to explore who else is out there. He may not be comfortable being alone so he wants to spend most nights with you. He doesn't want to cut you loose in case you find somebody who is ready to commit, but he isn't ready to commit and needs time to be single.

If you continue this sort-of relationship there's a good chance that you will end up just feeling used. IMO it would be better to break it off now before you get any more attached to him, and move ahead with your life and search for someone who has similar relationship goals and timeline.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 10:19am

What does it mean? It means you're a booty call. Have some self respect and don't settle for the crumbs he's throwing you. No man is worth waiting around for. Every second spent on a man who wants to sleep with whoever he wants is time that you could be spending searching for someone who has the same relationship goals as you. He says he wants you to date without sleeping around? Who the hell is he to tell you what you can and can't do?

What would I do? I'd say my goal is to have a monogamous relationship and since he's clearly not on the same page, that I'll be moving on. "Do not contact me again, because I need closure." You cannot stay friends with someone you've had sex with, since the future new man in your life won't appreciate that. It's time to take out the garbage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 07-20-2013 - 8:55am

When a man doesn't want to be in a relationship, then don't be in a relationship with him.  You are clearly in a relationship with him.  He just got divorced, he's not used to being single yet, and he never had a chance to BE single, because he hooked up with you, and he's used to having a woman (and sex) without having to work for it.  That's NOT being single.  A man who has been married for any length of time needs time to play the field........because he doesn't know what he wants until he does just that.  You're not happy with him reporting every little thing to you, but that's what he's used to doing, and he's not going to break that pattern until he is unattached and learns to live alone.  As long as you come running whenever he wants to be with you, and if not tonite then tomorrow night.......nothing will change.  You really need to call the whole thing off so he can test his wings...(It's nice to have a steady man, but not one who is too clingy, and clearly isn't ready for a relationship yet!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2003
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 9:15pm
Thank you serenity1986, I understand needing time. That is why we are doing day by day. I really like him but I do not want to sit around and wait. So what happens if we both date around and we find someone we like and want to keep seeing them? I guess then we keep seeing them? I guess our timing is not right just like it was off so many years ago. I guess I am just nervous he will find someone before I do and I will be heart broken. He says if he does find someone to date he is not going out with them to find someone. I said when I go on dates I am going to see if I like the person and if I want to keep seeing him. He said he trust me to go on dates and not sleep around. So I said let's just date around and if we want to see each other we can call or text and see if we are available. He then responded I want to see you tonight. I told him we will see each other tomorrow when we go dancing. He waited a while then asked me if I would come over when I was done doing what am doing and stay with hm.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 07-19-2013 - 7:00pm

Ironicly, I totally understand what he is saying.  He is saying "I really like you and want to keep spending time with you, but I just got divorced and would really like to experience being single.  So if I meet someone else, I would like to be free to ask her on a date, okey dokey with you?" 

The thing is, he is clearly not ready for a R.  And if he is recently D, then that is okay and probably actually quite healthy. 

It sounds like that you two have agreed that you are not exclusive, and it is up to you whether you only want to date him, or date others.  He has made it clear he is not ready to commit.  You have to decide whether you are okay with that, or not. 

Oh, and be safe!! 

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity