What the hell am I doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2008
What the hell am I doing?
6
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 9:29am
What a mess I have made of my life. I met the woman of my dreams 10 months ago. Tall, beautiful, funny, sexy, great career, an absolute dream. Things were amazing immediately. The chemistry was out of this world. After a few months of dating we talked about moving in together and began looking for a place. One day at her place I had to leave to go do a few things. I wasn't feeling very well. She begged me not to go, and said she would get me some medicine and bring it back. I had to go, and told her not to worry about it. When I returned a few hours later, she had an odd look on her face. Her eyes were open wide, almost like she was in shock. I knew something was wrong. She said she felt overwhelmed and broke up with me. I returned later to talk more, and suddenly she asked me to stay. She was hugging and kissing me. I left anyways. Afterwards on the phone, she again said she still wanted to be broken up. This was just the first of many break ups. We got back together a week later.
Then left me again, this time over the phone while I was on my way to see her. She told me she was going back to her husband, whom she had left several months before. I was stunned.
I kept in contact for a few days hoping for some kind of explanation. Within a week she had left him again. We rekindled our relationship right away. Things became better than ever. Except for the fact that I was still hurt, and still looking for honest answers. Over Xmas while at a bar, we had an argument. She said some very hurtful and nasty things and made an ugly scene. There was tension for the next few weeks. I was now having serious doubts. I was under extreme stress and went to see a therapist. When I told her that I was going to see someone, she broke up with me the next day. I picked up my stuff from her apartment and left. After a few days of limited contact, she began emailing me. She begged me to come over and hold her. She told me how much she missed me, said she was f'ed up etc. I went out the next evening and she phoned me asking me to meet her. We met and went home together. The next evening she seemed stressed. After a little pressure she said "she felt like she needed to be alone, but, she didn't want to lose me". I left again 2 days later. After I did my best not to contact her, she posted pictures of us on her facebook. This was most likely so that my ex would see them. She thought that I was going back to my ex.
I confronted her about this, and told her she had issues. She denied posting the pictures, then admitted it, saying "i didn't do it to hurt you". We were back together a week later. This time, she immediately began talking about our future together. Getting a house, booking a vacation, having kids the next year. At this point, I had almost no faith that she wouldn't change her mind again. She smothered me with attention and affection. Clinging to me all the time. Getting upset if I didn't spend every available second with her. She seemed terrified that I would leave her. I would question her, perhaps too often, as to what was going through her mind. What had caused her to have all of these mood changes. She would sometimes get defensive, and we would argue a little. I always felt there was something she was hiding.
One night, I decided to stay home and not spend the night. She seemed okay at first. She called an hour later very upset. She felt I wasn't committing. She wanted us to live together. I stood my ground and she said she wanted a break. I didn't talk to her for 3 days. She phoned and emailed repeatedly. I wrote back telling her that the relationship was dysfuntional and broken. I had to return again to get my things. I apologized for my email, but told her that with the way our relationship had gone we had to be patient. I told her that I was willing to try anything to make it work. She refused and said she wanted me to leave. She went out to a party that night. I receieved a phone call at 3:30 am that night. She hung up in my face.
The following weekend she phoned at 4:30 am from a nightclub, asking me to pick her up. When I refused she got very angry. She told me I was immature and full of *****. She called me again several times when she got home. Like an addict I went over at 6 am. We spent the next few days talking. She admitted that her expectations were impossible for me to meet. She said she wanted to take things slow. Take our time. She admitted pressuring me too much. I had planned on going out with friends that Saturday night. I went out and she picked me up which I greatly appreciated. We spent the next few days chatting about us. I cooked her dinner, took her to a movie, curled up on the couch, went for long walks in the country. I did everything she enjoyed doing.
After those few days, one of my friends tagged me in some pictures on facebook. They were from the night I was out. There were a few pics of me with some friends that were girls. These are good friends that she has met many times and is also friends with on facebook. She became furious. She accused me of having/wanting to have sex with them. She felt embarassed and ashamed etc. She broke up with me again. She began phoning me the next evening. Deleted and blocked me on facebook. Then ublocked me and emailed me. I wrote her to tell her how hard it was on me. I went out the following evening and she phoned me while she was at another club. She wanted to meet me. We met and went home together. We argued in bed, and she accused me of many things. She was drunk and being somewhat cruel with her remarks. She even talked about how her ex adored her, and never ever even looked at another woman. I told her that I felt abused by her. She began to cry and said she didn't know what was wrong with her. We are not officially back together, and I have told her that we are too different and that I can't be with someone that doesn't trust me. This has to end. I can't keep doing this. I am a good looking guy, nice guy, with a decent career. Why can't I stay away from this woman? Why am i in this childish relationship? I was once married to a mature, secure woman. That relationship didn't have the same passion as this one, but, at least it was stable and relaxing. I didn't have this kind of stress.
The other day she mentioned that she might have mental problems. I have wondered if she has Borderline personality disorder, or if she is Bi-Polar. Her mother wasn't a loving mother. Her father kind of took on both roles. He died a few years ago with Aids. It turns out he was gay, and she didn't know until he was dying. His death still affects her to this day. She recently began seeing a therapist to deal with her grief. When she drinks, she gets extremely intoxicated. She tends to get nasty and has an electric tongue when drunk. This is when she has said some of the most hurtful things.
The bottom line is, I do love this woman. She can be amazing. Being with her at times makes me feel like I have never felt before. But, I don't know how to make this work. Unless I completely change who I am. I have already changed so much. People that have known me all my life have noticed the change in me. And not in a good way. I really think she may have mental issues that I can't help her with. I have offered all the love and support I can. Perhaps i haven't always been consistent, but only because I keep waiting for her to change her mind again. How do I feel safe in a relationship with her? How do I fix her insecurities? I tell her numerous times everyday how beautiful she is. How do I leave someone I love, and stay away? Please give me some advice.........soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 9:33am

Never sleep with anyone crazier than you are.


Run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 10:33am

UGH, this sounds like it has been just horrible for you....all the back and forth and up and down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 10:47am

You don't realize how lucky you are yet.

She is confused, but moreover, she is crazy.
You know the phrase? []Attractive []Single []Sane (CHOOSE TWO)
It's amazingly accurate for most of the population.
She may be your dream girl in every way except her sanity. And that's enough to make her NOT a dream girl.
I'm sorry this worked out the way this did, but you deserve better. You don't deserve a woman who breaks your heart over and over again. Stop putting yourself out there for her to continue hurting you. I know it sounds too mean to be true but she's doing this because it helps her feel better about herself. She doesn't care how this is affecting you, it's all about her getting what she wants when she wants it. Some days she wants to be with you and other days she doesn't. When you're in love with someone it's hard to believe that they can truly be a bad person because you've seen some good in them. But she has a very cruel, selfish side to her that you need to understand is a huge part of the person she is.

It is extremely important to be with someone who brings out the best in you. A relationship with someone who causes you to be a noticeably less attractive person is a relationship that is not right. I think you know that.

The only problem here is having enough courage to end it with a woman you still have feelings for. People have to do this every day, not every relationship ends because people fall out of love or don't have the same feelings anymore. Most of the time relationships end because they're just not right.

The sooner you can heal from her the sooner you WILL find a girl who is sane enough to commit to you and not treat you this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 12:39pm

Welcome to the board paralyzed,


You two have broken up so many times in 10 months that I lost count.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 2:24pm

Did she ever get her divorce from her husband?


If I didnt know that the two of you were adults I would think that you are college kids based on how the two of you are relating to each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 8:12pm

Sex must be something very special with her to stick around that long.


Run, Forrest, RUN!!!