What is his motive??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
What is his motive??
5
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:03pm
Last year, I had a fling with a guy that physically lasted a week. I was in town on business, and during that trip, I forgot about the life I had back home.

When I got home, I was on a high, but weary to see if this relationship actually had any legs. Long story short, fast forward, three months later, he disappears, no contact or nothing, but then, reappears, calls, makes up some lame excuse about him studying and passing the bar, and wanting to reconnect where we left off.

I was peeved, and satisfied with his disappearance, since that clearly noted that I had my answer. (He does not care about you) And I told him how his reappearance was lame, and how stupid he was to think he would get a repeat of our previous trip, since he had disappeared.

But then again, you can not fault a guy for trying.

Long story short, I never went. But we now continue to talk, and for the past 6 months, talk on the phone every day for about an hour. We have our discussions, and I tell things to him like it is. He does not always like what I say, but in recent times, he has come to value my opinion.

Every 4 weeks or so, he will ask if I could please, or if he could come see me. But a part of me still, does not beleive that he deserves my time. (Although I will talk to him on my cell all the time, I've come to like our daily conversations)

Finally, today, I asked, we have not seen eachother in a year, and frankly, I do not see myself going to see you, or you seeing me, adn coming to my town. What is your motive? What are we doing? What does this do for you?????

He went on his spiel about how I am perfect for him, how he loves me, (he failed that test)and how he thinks I am the only one out there that understands him.

I think its more like, I am the only one that stands up to him, and tells him the truth.

I think about going to see him, but I intuitively, I keep coming to the conclusion that he is not worth my time. And we play this phone game. He is telling me he will never give up. Our match is pair that will never be found again. I keep telling him to keep looking, but he will not, siting that he does not want to. I am right here.

What is going on??? this is soo twisted and weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 8:28am

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 9:06am
If you didn't think he was "worth you time"- you wouldn't be talking and emailing.

Basically - you just want him to guarantee that he'll love you forever, and be with you always before you go and "sleep with him again".

That won't happen.

Step back and think pervasively.

People do waht they do because they want to do it. Their values, standards and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

So when you wanted to "have a fling' - it was becuase you wanted to do it. He was just "available" when you wanted to...just as when he wanted to have a fling - he wanted to do it and you were an "available' source.

You're thinking "he disappeared and did with other women waht he did with me - he had sex as a means of physical gratification"..you're probably right,a dn he's probably still doing it.

Because if that were WRONG by either of your standards - neither of you would have "met".

That doesn't mean he doesn't want to pursue "a relationship with you" - but you're wanting guarantees and assurances that if you "have sex, get involved - this work work out to meet your needs and provide you with whatever it is you think a relationship is supposed to offer you" - life doesn't work like that.

However, your predicament is often the result of people that don't know themselves well enough to have "sex" - separated from other aspects of self-responsibility.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:10pm
Both of you are right. I do like the attention. And I know deep down, he is what he is, and nothing more. I got my answer long time ago. But then I break down when I answer his calls.

When he thinks he is "back in" he will try to talk me into another fling. Then, I get mad, but really shouldn't, since I lead him on.

I do like him, and do not want to admit it to him. Because I know I do not have a problem having a relationship with him, but it would have to be gratifying in more ways than just sex. I know he is unable and unwilling to provide anything more.

I know what I have to do. It is just hard to do it.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:21pm
I don't believe his story about why he disappeared. But I do think there is a 50/50 chance that you'll be telling this story to your children someday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 7:59pm
You are too kind. Thanks,