What is his problem?
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What is his problem?
| Tue, 02-10-2004 - 8:23pm |
I am 38, single parent of 8 yr old and my mother also lives with me. (He) is 43, his mother lives with him. We work for the same company. He works alot. Neither of us have dated anyone for a very long time. About a yr ago, he initiated contact with me. bought me flowers, cards etc....then nothing. At our Xmas party I questioned what happened, he assured me that it was not me and that he thought and thinks of me constantly. Each time we are together we have lots of fun and are obviously attracted to one another. We have not had intercouse but have been very affectionate with eachother. Last time was a couple of weeks ago and while he was holding me close to him and rubbing up and down my back, he mentioned how good "it" felt. (meaning; whatever we have going on between us) and he mentioned that it keeps getting better. He stops by desk every so often but hasn't lately. Does say hi to me, but I'm at the point that I think I'm wasting my time and I will be the one to get hurt. I know how he feels, I know what it's like when we are together. I just don't understand why it seems he's trying to avoid me. And I just about given up. I figure, if he wants me, he knows how to find me. Or should I hang in there and show him there's nothing to be afraid of (if that's the problem)

It sounds more like he comes around, flatters you, you two agree to hang out on the fly spontanteously, you get a little physical when you hang out...and then he backs off for awhile and the initiates again.
Why not just get laid and get it over with....or if you're wanting someone that wants to date you and get to know you - stop "hanging out and almost hooking up" with him.
If he hasn't dated for a long time - it's because he hasn't wanted to. Just like that is the same reason YOU haven't dated for a long time.
It's one thing to provide all these excuses - I can't meet anybody I like, I haven't been asked out, I haven't dated because of factors outside of my control...but the reality is people that are not dating - are not asking people out, or putting themselves in situations or events where there is the potential to meet interesting people. They want a "relationship" to fall into their lap, they're terrified of dating and getting rejected or it not working out - so they withdraw until "a relationship" comes along.
And generally what comes along...is people wanting to hang out and hook up without obligation. Only they don't realize that - they never get out in the dating world, they perceive everything as a rejection or potential rejection,t hey think everybody hasn't been dating bcause "nobody intresting has come along and shown interest in them" (that's the excuse they use for themselves for lack of dating), and they literally deprive themselves of flirtatious/sexual/gender interactive contact to the point that whoever comes along and shows the least little amouont of interest - they POUNCE on 'em.
If he wanted to date...he'd ask you out. Just like when he wants to hang out - he asks.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Why not actually communicate with him? Ask him why he avoids you if 'it' feels so good. And don't just show him something, tell him. You can't have anything substantial with him if you can't communicate and if you just sit idly by, trying to analyze him and waiting fo him to make the next move..
And he doesn't want to date..he wants to hang out and hook up. At least, that is what his actions portray.
He flirts and asks you to ahng out and you do - and end up getting a little more physical each time. He withdraws and doesn't "pursue more" after your final conversation of the hanging out evening is "let's do dinner, lunch, let's pursue more".
He then returns after you've had time to cool off, analyze his every move, wonder what is wrong with you that he doesn't pursue more...and he wants to hang out again - you do, get a little more physical...and the cycle continues.
You can quit wondering what he wants...because it is obvious what he doesn't want...a date, which is what you want and are using hanging out and getting physical to try to get it out of him. Won't work.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If the answer is no to the above questions, I think there may be things about him leading a sheltered life that aren't compatible to where you are in life or what you have experienced in life.
Carrie
He has told me that once a long time ago he was serious with someone, but didn't work out because of something she did. He decided to be by himself and when he takes time off work, he goes places (other states) where he's never been. I can understand being cautious when meeting someone that you are interested in. You really never know people, until sometimes, it's too late and you wasted alot of valuable time and energy, not to mention the emotional sacrifices. Been there too, and didn't want to go thru that again, that's why I haven't dated for sometime.
He did speak to me today....even sent me text message on cell phone....stayed while I was out on my smoke break, and asked it I wanted to sit in his vehicle, updated me on his house hunting and thanked me for the valentines card I sent him. Asked if that was ok with him and he responded with "you can send me anything".
I think I am just overreacting and I should just chill, still be myself, and go from there. Guess I just want to spend time with him more than what we do. We both are busy, but I would make time for him. Something is there between us....I guess we'll figure it out eventually. If not, I will atleast have gained a good friend that I really care about.
He's been "hurt" before and he doesn't want that to happen again. You've been hurt and disappointed before - and you don't want a repeat of that either.
So instead of seeking out the patterns within yourselves that put you with those people and in those situations where you were in such pain...you've both retreated from life in general in terms of relationships.
He's taking care of his family, he's paying his bills, furthering his career, and visiting states he's never seen on vacations - alone.
And you're taking care of your mother, paying your bills, raising your child, doing your job....and you have little time for anything else and that is the "reason you haven't been in a relationship".
What you're both ripe for is again "making the same mistake" you each made before.
You've not figured out what you didn't want and need and did like and want and needin those previous but painful relationships. You've isolated yourself from all the cookies, ice cream, cake, and party favors of life in terms of relationships.
Now you're both desperately wanting "adult interaction" - you don't want to be hurt, you don't know how to communicate, you're trying to ensure that nobody gets hurts (especially yourselves on an individual basis). Nobody is asking the other out, or what the other wants out of life.....all that either of you know is "what you odn't want to happen again".
Your answer to not having it happen....is to not be in the same "type of situation" you were before, or with a person that reminds of you of the partner that hurt you so badly.
That doesn't work. Taht's a hit and miss system...and even if you don't "miss" by finding someone that you're relatively compatible with - neither of you are capable of equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative relationship dynamic based on the act you're both complete, self-aware, successful, secure, and happy individuals.
You're simply both looking for happiness, scared to death what is around the corner...you two keep "groping" around the corner and you've "felt one another". Your method is going to keep you groping around the corner without actual communication or interaction - until you throw yourself into each others arms out of lust and desperation and self-denial.
At which point you're both again going to "follow the rules" - he'll date you because he should given that you've been so physical, and you'll dat ehim and get emotionally involved in the potential of "what if"- becuase you're a single mother with a child.
That's you how get hurt - not knowing what you do want, only prioritizing and fearing what you don't want and can't handle.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com