What I found out about my fiance and his "double life"... Absolutely devastated and hurting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2011
What I found out about my fiance and his "double life"... Absolutely devastated and hurting!
Sun, 12-18-2011 - 10:32am

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010


Hi. While you love him dearly, it is clear what you have to do here. He has

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm sorry--this must be so hurtful & devastating to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

By the way, you may not want to confront him with the emails:


I agree with trenner, it has nothing to do with being bi-sexual, but not being honest.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

"My question is, what do I do now?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I seriously doubt that in this case he'd go to the police to report your hacking.

I suggest you ask him if there's anything he hasn't told you regarding his personal life & activities. If he tells you "no", of course you know he's lying. I wouldn't "confront", but I would let him know you found out that he's been corresponding and arranging to meet others (don't need to say "men") for sex and to exchange sex for money. Be prepared for him to focus on the fact that you read his emails because that's easier for him to deal with than you knowing he's secretly gay. Don't allow him to sidetrack you. Explain calmly that you are not able to marry anyone who is having sex outside of your marriage and tell him the wedding is off.

And I strongly suggest you do NOT marry him and try to pretend you don't know. Trust me, that is a miserable way to live, always wondering where he is and if he's with someone else if he says he has to work late or travel for business or go to the store or whatever! Having to snoop, follow him, drive by his work, look in his wallet, etc. That is a horrible way to spend the next few years before the marriage ends badly (and it would, sooner or later).

As for family and friends, polite people will accept your explanation that you discovered you two were not right for each other and you mutually decided to end the engagement. Nothing further needs to be said.

I am so sorry that he dragged you though this. You do not deserve to be treated dishonestly. But you definitely do not deserve a lifetime of being deceived, so ending it is really the only way to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
First and foremost go get tested for HIV. You need to confront him and ask him IF he was using a condom for these encounters with men. He is a gay man and is most likely using you as a cover up for his being gay to look hetro to his family and friends. You need to get out of this relationship NOW.
Thank God you found all this out BEFORE you married him. Imagine finding this out after having kids with him. Finding out now was a blessing in disguise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
He's a gay prostitute who has been cheating on you for a long time.

Don't even think about things like how people are looking forward to your wedding, or how others will react to your cancelling it. So trivial.

You know you can't stay with him, right? So why even bother confronting him?

I worked as a social worker for men on the DL, and HIV is the first thing you need to be tested for. Too many wives and girlfriends didn't find out in time.

Sorry you're going through this. But if you don't follow through on throwing him to the curb, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Usually when a woman goes snooping, she knows that she won't like what she finds!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

I'm so sorry about the devastation you are experiencing. I understand that a part of you wishes you never saw what you did... But believe me... as much as it hurts to find out now, you could have found out after getting married and having children.

There is no way you can marry him, or continue to be in a relationship with him. Your feelings are real... Please don't ever doubt that what you feel is genuine... Even though the person he is has been false, to a very very large degree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011

You poor, poor thing!