What I want is impossible to happen?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:38am |
I have been with my b/f for past 2 year and half, and I never satisfied with him in terms of attention and affection. I love to hold hands but he doesn't, I crave to cuddle all the time, but it always annoys him.
I like to spend as much time as possible to be with my significant other, whereas he likes to spread his time to meet his friends/family/co-workers while he is in a relationship. When he decided to spend time with me, it has to be some kind of activities like shopping, or watching a movie, or going to a restaurant. He can't just be with me, say, looking at each others' eyes; he think that it just a waste of time and not the way adults' relationship is.
He thinks I want his attention b/c I am bored, which is not true. I go to school full-time and have a nice job, and I like what I do. But that doesn't mean my personality changes.
He always tells me that I will never find anyone who would give me attention all the time, who wants to be with me all the time because he think it is sick and unnatural. I understand being with SO all the time is not very common in this country, and many people have so many responsibilities including friendship and family matters. However, I only need one man in my life to fulfill my life. I would love to be with someone who constantly show his affection to me. Is that sick?
People wants different things in their lives, and I don't know if what I want is unhealthy and not human. Some couples are absolutely happy with living under different roofs, and some couples have no problem seeing their spouse dining out with their ex.
I like to be in a very very close relationship, and it's too much for him. All my family and friends are living in my home country, so I don't have very close people here. He said it's not fair for him to be blamed that he doesn't spend enough time with me because of my situation. I understand it, but it doesn't change what I want in my life.
Am I just being egoistic wanting what I want in my relationship/life? Or are there really men who would like to kiss/cuddle/spend a lot of time with his SO all the time??

Pages
It's not impossible to find a man who only wants you and doesn't want to go and do stuff or see people.
In addition to not being very intimate with you, your boyfriend sounds cold and uncaring. If he loves you, he SHOULD care that you have no family here, and include you in his life with his family and friends.
It is very normal to want closeness and intimacy. You deserve to be appreciated and loved, and it sounds as if your boyfriend isn't able to do that. You can't change him, but you can find someone who will love you and who does enjoy closeness.
It's interesting the sdlostorfound
I got the same interpretation out of your post as truebluestine, and I agree that what appears to be best is a quest for more balance in your relationship.
Any healthy person SHOULD be spending time with his/her family, friends, co-workers, regardless of whether that person is in a relationship.
Your family isn't here, which can be hard, but you should be spending your time making new friends and engaging in new activities... rather than expecting your boyfriend to amuse you all the time. That doesn't mean you can't be close to your boyfriend and spend lots of time with him, it just means you can't spend ALL your time with him. I wonder if his aversion to cuddling is because he's reacting to your neediness.
I dated a guy who didn't want me to spend time with anyone but him and it was very suffocating. After several failed attempts to get him to back off, I broke up with him because there was no way I was going to spend my life smothered.
A guy should not be your be-all/end-all. Take the time to do new things and have new experiences. It will strengthen your relationship and give you two more to talk about!
Welcome to the board yokotakano,
Sounds like you have a few different things going on.
1) you don't have family and friends around you, since he's not including you, I'd guess it's because he needs some space from you
2) your choice of words -
As you say, different people want different things in life and in relationships. I imagine there must be some guys out there who would want to be with someone as much as you do. However, most men, and women, do want their own personal time and space as well. Most men feel suffocated if a woman places all of her emotional needs upon him. They do not feel it's fair, or that it's up to them to fulfill all aspects of a woman's life.
As I see it, it is important for each adult to have many different kind of activities and relationships. This creates a full, balanced life and does not create a relationship which is based upon dependency. When you depend upon another person for all of your emotional fulfillment, you are placing yourself in a dangerous position. You are not growing, and that person can change, leave or die. Then you will be left emotionally bankrupt.
Part of the joy of life is to grow, develop new friendships, interests and abilities. It is certainly wonderful to share this with a significant other - but you must also have a life of your own to share. Again, this is my view only. I'm sure there are others out there who want something different, more like what you are looking for. But remember, they will then be placing all responsibility for their emotional fulfillment on you as well.
Best wishes,
Save Your Relationship: The 21 Basic Laws Of Successful Relationships
Change The Way Women Think About Men and Find Out What Men Really Think About Relationships
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
There could be a couple of things going on here: 1) everyone has their own love style - how they express and participate in love and 2) how he views the relationship - is it part of his life or is it "his life?"
Over the years I have expressed and participated in love differently depending upon who I was with.
Wow, I certainly did not expect so many responses, so first of all, thank you for all of you.
Yes, I would want a similar relationship even if my friends and family were here. It never happened, so I can only speak with my imagination.
I never said that my b/f is unhealthy or abnormal, nor did I say anyone should be in this way or that way. I can't tell anybody what a "normal" relationship should be, as no one can tell me either. I mean, kissing once a day is normal, but 10 times a day is not? Who draws the line?
I think I didn't use my words correctly, so I apologize for the confusion. I never wanted him to not see people he loves, or have a good time. Nor have I ever tried to stop him meeting whoever he wants. He tends to be away from home for 3 weekends out of 4 weekends to see his friends/family/co-workers, and I personally do not think there is enough quality time for us. I guess I also abused the word "all the time" as if I follow him to the men's bathroom!lol. I meant it as a metaphor to describe the level of emotion.
I do not sit on the couch waiting for him to make my life happy. I just value on the feeling of connection through body contacts than most people do, so I feel unsatisfactory often in my relationship. Most of things, say, watching movies and shopping, I do them with my friends in here. But what I miss is the intimate time with my SO.
Some people value on being active, and having many friends. I prefer being with a few close people around me rather than socializing to make my network bigger. Again, it's my personal preference, and nothing against for anyone who is active, or who values heavily on being active.
I believe that life itself is just so complicated and takes hell a lot of energy to survive. If my relationship requires me to change the way I am for the sake of well-balanced relationship, I would be really exhausted. I prefer to find someone who is better matched than modifying my emotion/desire/thought constantly to fit in the range of "normal".
I just wondered if what I want was impossible as my b/f said. As fas as I see everyone's responses, there are men who tend to be home with his SO rather than going out for a drink, meeting new people, or whatever most people enjoy.
Thank you again, for every each of you who posted for me. I appreciate you for sharing your thoughts.
Edited 10/4/2008 4:30 am ET by yokotakano
Pages