What I want is impossible to happen?
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| Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:38am |
I have been with my b/f for past 2 year and half, and I never satisfied with him in terms of attention and affection. I love to hold hands but he doesn't, I crave to cuddle all the time, but it always annoys him.
I like to spend as much time as possible to be with my significant other, whereas he likes to spread his time to meet his friends/family/co-workers while he is in a relationship. When he decided to spend time with me, it has to be some kind of activities like shopping, or watching a movie, or going to a restaurant. He can't just be with me, say, looking at each others' eyes; he think that it just a waste of time and not the way adults' relationship is.
He thinks I want his attention b/c I am bored, which is not true. I go to school full-time and have a nice job, and I like what I do. But that doesn't mean my personality changes.
He always tells me that I will never find anyone who would give me attention all the time, who wants to be with me all the time because he think it is sick and unnatural. I understand being with SO all the time is not very common in this country, and many people have so many responsibilities including friendship and family matters. However, I only need one man in my life to fulfill my life. I would love to be with someone who constantly show his affection to me. Is that sick?
People wants different things in their lives, and I don't know if what I want is unhealthy and not human. Some couples are absolutely happy with living under different roofs, and some couples have no problem seeing their spouse dining out with their ex.
I like to be in a very very close relationship, and it's too much for him. All my family and friends are living in my home country, so I don't have very close people here. He said it's not fair for him to be blamed that he doesn't spend enough time with me because of my situation. I understand it, but it doesn't change what I want in my life.
Am I just being egoistic wanting what I want in my relationship/life? Or are there really men who would like to kiss/cuddle/spend a lot of time with his SO all the time??

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Hi there,
Your wants are your wants and you're entitled to them. If only a minuscule minority of the population can fulfill them, though, it makes sense to reevaluate. For instance, if you wanted a handsome multimillionaire with homes on at least two continents and a passion for opera, the odds might be stacked against you.
I do think your need for uninterrupted closeness might feel excessive to most men in this culture and possibly in others. Most people want some variety in their lives, and I believe this variety can inject life into relationships. You go out and experience things, then bring that energy back to your relationship.
One of my favourite sayings, by French author Antoine de St. Exupery, is "love isn't two people gazing into each other's eyes, but two people gazing out at the world together."
Freelance
Yoko, what you want is very reasonable. Most successful couples spend more time together than apart. If your SO prefers to be gone 3 out of 4 weekends and by choice excludes you, he is not placing a priority on you or your relationship.
Many men want a woman's companionship, and are happy to have a more equitable balance in their lives like what you want. A man is out there who can make you happy. Congrats for not settling.
I too struggled a bit with that wanting for close attention..this is what I learned
Men do not show their affection by looking into his lover's eyes and whispering sweet things and holding one another all night long...
Keep in mind, that many new relationships go through that initial stage where everything is cloud 9 and you cant get enough time with the other person and you love being close to them...that's the "spark" of a new relationship...you've been with your b/f for almost 3 years, so your relationship has moved past that spark stage. He at this point feels that you've been together for so long, and you're so comfortable with each other, that being next to him in the car or on the couch is plenty of closeness...although you may not agree..
You say that whenever he is with you, you two are usually doing some sort of acivity where your focus is not on each other (shopping, movies, etc.)...this is his way of being with you, which he obviously wants to be otherwise he would've left you, but still maintaining a comfortable distance so he doesnt feel smothered. Try this for some time...DONT try to force him to show you affection. Showing affection is something he'll do when he wants to, because he feels that youre a wonderful person. If you force it, he'll be less inclined to show it. When you ease up on the demanding of attention, he'll start to feel less anxious about being alone with you and he'll be more willing to do things that will allow the focus to be on you and him (walks on the beach, or boat rides etc.) He won't feel like he's guna be cornered when he's alone with you. Once he feels less anxious and more willing to be with you at times like that, he'll also be more willing to show affection (not because you're forcing, but because you're giving him what he wants which is breathing room). That is when you "open the door" to affection...scratch his back, rub his arm, hold hands and show him you want the affection, but you're not going to force it out of him, give him time and space and when he sees that you're giving him that...he'll respond by realizing that you're willing to give him what he wants, and he'll turn around and give you what you want back...however, he's not going to be attached to your hip all day and night like you seem to want, but don't look at the affection he gives as something he should do...but rather look at it as something he's giving to you as a gift of love...you'll appreciate it more that way...hope my advice helps!
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