what if I am the controlling one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
what if I am the controlling one?
2
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:51am
ok, i know relationships go 2 ways. I know it's not always my fault. This time I think it is. I've been dating this guy for an extended amount of time and things have been going the best ever for me and him. This wonderful man treats me right, is smart, funny, crazy about me, and he tells me he loves me. Great! Right? Well yesterday we got into our first fight and I think I'm to blame. he says he's not as independent as he used to be and that i don't listen to him when he tells me he wants to do things on his own. he feels trapped by me. I know this is a type of controlling behavior that i posess. I know this is why other relationships haven't gone well. I also know that I learned it from my mother. She is a very controlling person and would never let my dad have a word in. Poor Dad would sit there like a hurt puppy while she walked all over him and made most of the family decisions. The last thing i want to do is loose my man and act like my mother. I try so very hard not to but it's almost like an instinctive behavior and sometimes i don't even realize i'm doing it - and when i say controlling, it's little things...I am not beating the poor guy up and telling him he can't go out with his friends.

I asked him to please tell me when I start to do this but he said he's tired of trying to tell me b/c i make him feel guilty or get mad at him. He says he doesn't want me to change for him but i think if i change for the better it's good.

So how do i stop this behavior?

Please help. I want this relationship to go right this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:07am
rew1998...

What's wrong with remembering all your mom's mistakes with your Dad...AND DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITE? Think how miserable your Dad was...and how this misery is affecting your current relationship!

Pianoguy isn't suggesting that you become a slave or subservient to the man you're currently seeing. However, there's something you NEED to understand! There are very few of us who will take a lot of verbal crap from a woman. Suggestions are okay, but demands and threats will make us sick of you! . And it's easier for us to break off the relationship than be "bullied!"

Sooooo...

If you're going to continue to ignore the signs that you're becoming "a control freak"---you'll probably be spending a lot of weekends (or at least saturday nights) with the girls! Is THIS what YOU want?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:59pm
You sound so much like me....major control freak, who isn't aware of all the little things she's doing. The problem is (no offense pianoguy), you can't just tell yourself you'll do the opposite of your mom - the habits are deeply ingrained, and your whole attitude about life needs to change. If you can afford to, get help from a therapist - you may be struggling with an underlying problem like an anxiety disorder. Even if you aren't, they can help you change how you view life, and how you react. You need to learn to let go about ALL aspects of your life that you don't control, and learn to edit your own thinking and behaviors for a while. If you can't afford a therapist, head for the bookstore... plenty of self-help. One that I'm currently working with is "How One of You can Bring Two of you Closer Together" - since I feel I need to be making major changes for my relationship, it makes sense to focus on what I'm doing. And most importantly, talk to your guy about what is going on. Acknowledge that you have a problem, and tell him a little about what you are doing to "fix" it (therapy, book, whatever). Ask him to give you time to change - it's not going to happen overnight - and gently suggest that feedback from him will help the process (but don't wrap your 'recovery' around that, do everything you can to work without feedback). If he's not willing to give you that time, there's nothing else you can do, but if he's as good a guy as you say, I'd bet he's willing. Then, whatever the response, but some real energy and enthusiasm into it, and make a commitment to YOURSELF to make changes.

Control freaks aren't happy people (take it from me), and what you'll find is that, as you are able to let go of your control, you'll start to feel less stress, you'll enjoy life more and more. It won't be easy, and at first you may feel you are giving up TOO much control, but stick with it. You'll feel better about yourself, you'll enjoy everything more, and you'll be treating people in a way that will make them happy. Good luck with it.