What kind of person does this make me??!
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| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:53pm |
I've posted here before about problems in my relationship with my bf and conscerns about my future with men in general. Well, i'm in so much trouble emmotionally at this point. I'm so confused. Just to give a little history on my relationship, I've been with bf for almost 2 years off and on.Bf has cheated on me in the past(earlier on in our relatinship). He carried on a relationship with his exgf for at the very least a few months while he was supposedly in a commited relationship with me. He lied to me constantly about having contact with her. Coming toward what I thought was completely the end of our relationship he was seeing exgf as well as meeting other girls too. He was lieing to me about the nature of these relationships as well. We broke up for 4 months because I just couldn't take it anymore. He started calling again after 2 months but I didn't respond to his calls and then after 4 months he started calling non stop again.Ultimately we ended up back together and have been ever since. I realize that he has been trying harder than ever before and he's making more of an effort in many ways with me. I don't think that he's seeing anyone else now but there's still that doubt in my mind. I'm always wondering where he is when he's not with me and I end up checking his phone all the time to see if he's calling girls. I know this bothers him and it bothers me too. I flat out just don't trust him. It's also because he's extremely secretive. He's always been that way even when he's not doing anything wrong but it really just adds to my suspicions about his overall fidelity and honesty. The worste thing for me is that sometimes we are able to talk about our future & stuff and he says that he can see a future with me i.e later on down the line getting married etc. although there have been times in the past where he has flat out told me that we don't have a future together at all. Now if it comes up he just says "I don't know". It's like some weeks definately not some weeks he doesn't know then some weeks yes. It's to the point where I really love him but I feel such resentment toward him. I almost feel as though I hate him. Everything he says and does hurts me. Even when he's really nice to me I brace myself because I know the painful words or actions will soon follow. I wish that I could just leave but it's so hard because I feel like maybe things will change.
Here's the big problem now. I recently started my dream job with a prestigious magazine as an assistant to one of the editors. I absolutely love this job! It's what I've always wanted.My foot in the door with my favorite magazine! My problem is that my boss is exactly my bf's age.33. He's EXTREMELY attractive and ever so nice to me. He really listens to me and is very patient with me although he's often under so much preassure in the office.We sometimes have to put in late hours alone together in the office to work on projects etc. The other night we were alone in his office and we were working and I walked close to his chair to get something and he stood up as to not be in my way but we ended up standing extremely close to eachother and before I knew it he kissed me really passionately.Just to let you know he has never acted or said anything remotely unprofessional to me before and conducts himself properly at all times and so have I. I never would have seen this coming. He knows I have a bf although he really doesn't know the extent of our problems. He knows that at times I appear to be very bothered and unhappy. He is not in a relationship at all right now. I don't know what to do!! I'm so afraid to even look at my bf because I've never done anything like this before and I feel like if he takes one look at me he'll know what I've done and worste of all that I actually enjoyed it. My boss is the type of man I've always dreamed of but I just have a hard time believing that a man like him could genuinely be interested in me. I know my self esteem is really low although I try to hide it at all costs. Still, I fear maybe he has zoomed in on it and intends to exploit it just as my bf has. The sad thing is that I'm more afraid that what happened could jeopardize my career with the magazine more than I fear hurting my bf. I don't feel bad about what I have done as it relates to him. In fact I have thought about telling him about it just to hurt him which I know is wrong. I don't know what to do but I feel like a whore because of this. I've never even contemplated cheating on anyone in my whole life but now look at what I've done. My boss called me into his office today(our offices are adjoining)after a couple of days of silence. He seemed really nervouse and was extremely apologetic. He said that he finds me very attractive physically but also in other ways. He said that he didn't mean to further complicate my life in any way and that he knows that I love my bf. He said that right now if I feel uncomfortable in any way about continueing to work for him he has the authority to discreetly transfer me to a different editor's team without anyone knowing why at all and he asked me if that was what I wanted. I told him no and that I was ok. He asked me if I wanted to talk further or if I had any questions for him but I told him that I would have to get back to him when my head wasn't spinning and when I've been able to sort things out better. I feel like crying and like I'm now no better than my bf for all the cheating and lyeing that he's done to me. Should I tell him? Should I break up with him and just let whatever happen with my boss? I don't think I will let anything happen with my boss because I'm initimidated by him in many ways and I'm so afraid that he'll just use me as like a pretty piece of a$$ or something. I just can't shake this urge of wanting to tell my bf in hopes that he'll be jealous (which he would be furiuous!!)but that he'll then realize what he has and vow to be good to me.Am I crazy? Should I now be deamed a cheater??? I feel dirty even though it was only a kiss and I feel like everyone knows about it everywhere I go. What do I do?
Jolie

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, decisions, words, ideas, feelings, and desires. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.
Situations are just the theatre stage on which we play by "the values we live by" in the play of life.
So your boyfriends values justify and entitle him to cheat nad lie and situations simply enable him to do it or not, based on his needs, wants, and desires of the moment. So drop him....because you can't establish trust with someone who's values justify and entitle them to this.
In the past, you just assumed he'd be faithful and honest, you were hoping he shared your values....he proved he idd not with his lies and infidelity. You just keep hoping and wanting him to adopt your values - so you take him back, but then are constantly trying to control life's situation or at least always worrying about life's situations so that he can't cheat you on and thus you won't be hurt.
This boss finds you physically attractive, he realizes that you lack maturity and security as an individual and that a great deal of your "acceptance of self" is in being found attractive by other people.
So he kissed you because he finds you attractive and he considers you "available for his needs' - not to meet yours. What he does not want..and that is proven by his request to transfer you and what you will find is that he has NOTHING to do with you in the future in any regard except when required.....is to date you.
What he did was sexual harrassment and has opened himself up to a lawsuit by you...he wants to transfer you so that he's now not in a position of professional jeopardy - with you always able to claim that basedon his previous sexual harrassment and instigation you "can't get a raise or get ahead". But that is precisely the position that you're giong to find yourself in -so heads up because this is your career and its important.
The man does NOT want to date you...he likely thought a paossionate kiss might end in a board-room screw on the conference table. And now what he wants as evidenced by his offer to transfer is you "out of his presence and away from his influence". Not because you're so irresistable but because you're such a threat.
So, you have several options to consider. #1 - you could go to your HR department and file a complaint. While you were compliant with the kiss, it is sexual harrassment. HE could be reprimanded, fired, demoted, or whatever...but that would have him "violating" you. You can always claim you didn't fight the kiss out of fear of being fired. And if you state that initially - stick with it permanently as your position on why you engaged in this sexually overt behavior. This approach would make you a "victim" to his advances....rather than what is likely to result if you do not file complaint with HR and particularly if you remain under him in his department.
But for you to remain where you are, potentially able to claim sexual harrassment and him lose his position or professional reputation.....he's in jeopardy. You've said "don't transfer me, I want to work for you" - I suspect you believe that being near him should you break up is going to lead to dating - it won't. In working "for" him - he's now in charge of your performance review and evaluation at all times....and he will undoubtedly find your work and performance, attendance and dress subpar -note it on your employment records and eventually you'll be dismissed as a result of subpar performance, per his evaluation and ONLY his evaluation. That wll put you out of the ability to file an HR complaint, and it will put him out of jeopardy. At the point where you find out he's evaluated you as substandard in performance - should you then want to file an HR complaint - he's going to claim that you're filing it based on this performance review which you don't agree with or like, and that you were usually coming onto him at all times and now you're simply "upset" that he turned you down, and then didn't like your work. It'll backfire on you. if you're going to file the charge -do it now.
You also run the risk, so that he can eliminate the threat of your existence in the company, of having HIM file a sexual harrassment charge on YOU in the HR department. This is NOT criminal court, there will be no investigation overmuch. This is he said/she said...and he holds the position of authority and respect due to his longevity.
So, drop the boyfriend and stop considering this guy as a potential boyfriend, or as dating material....and put your focus on your professional advancement.
You can continue to work for him, he might never refer to it again, nor file a complaint, and he might easily give you good reviews...but the reality is right now you KNOW that he wants you out from under his supervision and away from the ability to threaten him. By remaining in his vicinity and under his supervision - you are allowing him options to eliminate you via subpar performance evaluation that will reflect on you professionally for years to come.
Erin
quickblade142@hotmail.com
While he has done objectional things in the past, you have not dealt with his betrayal, the lies or the resentment. There was no work done on 'rebuilding trust' in your relationship. That should have been the first stop - to a counselor's office to rebuild. Most people cannot do it without outside help.
Reading material:
After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris
Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore
Now about your job....dating your boss or getting involved with your boss is not recommended. You are right in worrying about your position within the company, especially if things don't work out between the two of you. You will have to see him every day if things don't work out and with a broken heart it's hard to do.
The grass is NOT greener. He looks like everything you've ever wanted in a guy. BUT what does it say about him, to kiss a woman who he KNOWS is in a relationship (happy or not, that is not the point).
Here's something to think about - disregard the ages and the martial status as it doesn't apply to you, but the info does apply.
Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.
Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.
It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.
THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE
An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.
Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.
In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:
Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.
Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.
Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.
In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.
Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.
Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”
A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”
An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.
Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.
FACING THE INEVITABLE END
Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.
Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)
The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.
So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.
David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre.
Carrie
Thank you sooo much for the advice. I've known for a long time that I need to get rid of bf. What I don't know is why I have such a hard time doing so. Sometimes I feel really stupid because it's not working out and I've "wasted" so much time with him. I'm 27 years old and up until now I've never been hastled sooo much by my family to "settle down" and start preparing for marriage,kids etc. I feel really pressured to make things work with bf because I've spent all this time with him and put so much into it. There's also a lot of good in him I just don't want to believe that he'll always be this careless and oblivious to my feelings. I know I still have growing up to do and my self image is completely distorted.Out of all of my relatives in my age group(there are so many) I've always been called the princess because of my looks and everyone has always thought of me as being really smart and having a lot going for myself. Because of this my family tends to think that men, bf included treat me like gold and would jump at the chance to marry me or even be in my presence.Little do they all know, I have a history of being dogged by men and completely walked on because it almost seems that I end up with guys who at first want to adore me and then they become complacent because they see that i'm not a pretty b**ch and that i'm extremely loyal and giving and they get some sort of a thrill out of being able to hurt me. Atleast that's the way it seems to me.With my bf it was amazing in the begining because he couldn't do enough for me in his eyes. If he even missed calling me one night he would be so apologetic and would say that he would never do it again even though I didn't even complain at all about it.Then everything changed with the cheating & stuff and I took that to mean that he just didn't think I was enough for him in any way. I felt like my job wasn't good enough(he's very successful) I felt like my car wasn't nice enough,and like I wasn't pretty enough and that's why he was cheating on me or so I thought(I still feel that way to some degree). So when this thing happened with my boss the other day it was almost in my mind like....HAHAHA!Look at this gorgeous,smart,successful guy who thinks I'm beautiful. I'm not quite naive enough to think that he'll possibly want a long term relationship with me. I have just felt really good about the attention that he pays me.It's hard being with my bf just about everyday and almost being like an old comfortable shoe to him. He takes me for granted so much and I feel invisible at times to him. Then along comes my boss who actually listens to me and takes my advice on major things regarding business and asks my opinion about major things in the office because he knows that I know what I'm talking about and I feel like he believes in me. So the sad thing is that I pretty much know where I would stand with him as far as it only being a physical thing or whatever but I feel that he has given me so much that it would be ok with me to be available to him in that way and I feel sick for feeling this way.If I offer opinions to bf about business related things etc. he all but tells me to shut up because according to him I don't know what I'm talking about.
twinflame,
I too consider it cheating to kiss another person. I also consider it cheating to have an emmotional relationship with another person or even go out to dinner with another person if it's based on anything but a strictly platonic friendship.It's always made me feel physically sick to even think about being with a man other than my bf. I don't know why those feelings are changing now. I still feel sick to think about it but why did I let my boss kiss me? Why did I allow it to happen and why did I enjoy it as opposed to being disgusted by it just like I always imagined I would be if anything like this ever happened? I don't know what I'm going to do with regards to going to HR and everything....I feel so strange.The thing is since it happened it's like he's different now that he has sort of gotten his "feelings" out in the open. Sometimes I catch him staring at me while I'm working. He never did this before. He emailed me today REQUESTING that I stay later to finish a project when up until this point it's just sort of happened that way because we were working and wanted to finish up. Now i find it odd that he's REQUESTING it. I can say no and tell him that I can't but I'm afraid because what if he starts to use that against me. In some ways he acts the same but I just sense now that something major is going to happen and the more I think about it the more it scares me. I'm so scared to go to HR. He's been here for so long and I just got here four months ago. I feel like I'm at everyone's mercy and I don't know what to do.
p.s I just overheard him telling someone it's ok to have a report messengered to me at 8pm because he and I will still be here...mind you I didn't write him back to say that I would stay late. I don't know what to do. I want/need this job!!!
Jolie
Second, this boss......if you want your job and value your professional reputation you won't be involved at all with him. Women that have "just sex" flings in the office put glass ceilings on thier professional careers....and that reputation will follow you wherever you go. This isn't hollywood you can't sleep your way to the top, and I'm not sure that works so well there, either.
If you want the job, get the transfer, get on with your career - and stop worrying about what other people think you should be doing or having or pursuing and become a complete person.
Put it this way -that pressure you feel to marry, settle down, have babies.....that's other people telling you what to do and the reason it matters so much and is causing you such a problem is becuase "you" do not know what you want out of life and so you can't go out and get it.
If you were complete,other people thining you should be doing this, that or th eother - if you didn't agree, it wouldn't bother you a bit - you'd be complete, and they'd have a right to their opinions but you wouldn't be developing "feelings' based on their opinions.
Feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com