What IS Love, anyway?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 12-03-2003 - 1:40am |
I have now met a man I will refer to here as L, who is truly wonderful. He is the real thing. He is calm, kind, sincere, focused, caring, loyal, and has tons of integrity. I have known him almost a year and I have never even heard him raise his voice. He is wonderful to me and my family, and puts me first, always. He is a true gentleman. chivalry is definitely not dead, altho I truly thought it was. He is very well educated and very successful. He is unbelievably supportive. He takes care of me when I am sick, he sends me flowers for no reason, he shares everything with me, and he is just simply an amazingly sweet, undemanding, good hearted man. Still, something is missing. I am still not happy. Maybe I lived with drama for so long that something calm seems abnormal, I don't know. I walk around wondering, *Where is all the fiery chemistry?* I know, I should feel so blessed to have someone so kind in my life and I do, but like I said, I still do not feel any fireworks, just a calm, caring feeling. Is that normal? Is that what love is? I am not even sure what real love is anymore. I know this man wants to marry me, but I also know he is afraid to ask me because he isn't sure at this point that I am ready, and he is right.
Let me explain a little about him. He was married for 18 years to a woman who was his first sexual experience. He was completely faithful for their entire marriage. She had been sexually abused as a child, and he said altho she was very sexual while they were dating, the minute they married she hated sex. She told him she was taught that was what you do to *get* a man, and now that she had him she no longer needed to play the game. He was always respectful of the fact that she had been abused, so for 18 years he said he tip toed around sex, feeling her out to see if she was receptive or not, and most of the time she wasn't. Then, after 15 years of being a SAHM raising their two kids, she went back to work and within one year of that, announced to him that she had missed out on life, was tired of being a wife and mother, needed to find her independence, and asked for some time. It broke his heart but he agreed, and she left him and the two kids, and moved into a house with a girlfriend. He put the kids into counseling to help them deal with their mothers absence and raised them alone for 3 years before she finally ended it by filing for divorce and then got remarried to a man she met at work. This tore L apart. He began to facilitate divorce recovery classes at his church and didn't date again for two more years.
Now, about us. First, let me say that he does not believe in casual sex, so we didn't even become sexually intimate for 4 months. he believes that if you become sexual right away all that sexual chemistry will take over everything and you may find yourself in a relationhsip in which you have nothing else in common. He believes it is important to build a relationship first, then introduce sex into that already loving union. Did I mention he is very level headed and has a lot of integrity??? ;)
Here is the problem, and I truly hope I don't sound vain or silly when I say this. I am in my 30's, and I have always taken very good care of myself and have always gotten more than my share of attention from men. It has been very odd for me to be with someone who is not *gung ho over the top* after my body, if you know what I mean. This man is soooooooooooooo sweet, and when we do have sex it is AMAZING, but that's *when* we have it, which isn't very often. I asked him how he became so skilled at certain things with a woman who never wanted sex for 18 years and he said that's because when he did finally find something that pleased his wife he made sure he mastered it, in hopes she would want to be pleased more often. LOL (well, it worked, let me tell ya!)
But he never seems very passionate, like he can't wait another minute to have me or anything like that. I just can never tell if he is even excited or not, so I asked him about that too, and he said for the most part he was conditioned for 18 years not to be sexually aggressive around a woman. This is very hard for me. There are so many things he hasn't done. I was his first sexual experience in a swimming pool and his biggest fantasy is to have sex in a hot tub. He went out to the lake one night with me and my friends and we all stripped down and jumped in the lake. He followed suit( or no suit, LOL) and thought he was at some wild party, LOL! I'll admit it has been fun watching him have new experiences, but still, something is just not right. We only have sex about once a week at the most and he isn't aggressive at all in approaching me about it. He shows no passion at all and THAT is the hardest part. I can't tell if I turn him on or not, and he says that is part of his old conditioning, as well. Whew, this is not easy. It's been a year, is it ever going to change or is this just the way he is?
I do care for this man, but I think because of my past I am very mixed up as to what love is and is not. I even looked it up on the internet and found a site about lust junkies, those people who are hooked on that first time high/chemistry you get when things are new and the sex is so hot and so frequent. I think that might be me. I'm like that, very much. Anyway, the article said that this kind of chemistry always fades and what you are left with is a true like and respect for the person, if you are lucky. The article said people who build relationships on chemistry usually don't end up with relationships that last. True? False? I do not feel that wild chemistry with this man, he is just not the wild chemistry type. But he is the type who will be there to hold my hand and look into my eyes when we are old. I do feel a huge amount of respect for him, and I do care about him very much as a person. I tell him that I love him, and I wish I knew if that were true. I do know I trust him, and I do not depend on his moods to decide if I am happy or sad. I am truly my own person around him, where in the past, in more chemistry laden relationhsips, if the guy was upset, then I was upset. If he was happy, then I was happy, etc. My total existence was dependent on his mood of the moment.
I just don't want to make any more mistakes. I know this is a good man and honestly, it's not him I am afraid of, it's myself that I fear. I do not want to lead him on and then hurt him. He deserves someone who will cherish his love and I wouldn't ever want to end up marrying him, then suddenly feeling some strong chemistry with someone else and feeling all that fire and desire and leave him or be tempted to have an affair, because then I would deny myself in order to remain loyal, but I would also be miserable, wanting someone else. Boy, am I mixed up or what???
Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening!

Pages
I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here - you do not seem to have chemistry with this person - nothing to do with love and I think it is a fruitless exercise to ask anyone but yourself what love is - you can ask whether a certain behavior is loving but what love is - different for different people - and none of it will resonate with you, is my guess. to me love means being inspired to give to the other person (and giving) and being able to accept that person's giving to you and to be able to be vulnerable with and to the other person. Chemistry is what makes the difference for me between platonic and romantic love. If he doesn't do it for you, he doesn't - yes it could be that only bad boys do it for you - or it could be that you are confusing "nice" with assertive - would he let you walk all over him? Not very sexy. I also don't think chemistry has anything to do with what you're doing physically - it's whether you 'want" the contact - the contact is usually not going to produce chemistry unless it was there already - then it can enhance it.
I have to say - your post screams out to me - why didn't you have all those material things for yourself if you wanted them so badly? What kind of career did you choose - what kind of financial savings plan did you have - why did you set things up so that all those material things came to you through a man - I wouldnt mention this if you didn't emphasize how much you hated leaving that lifestyle behind. If I wanted that lifestyle - fancy things and vacation and a fancy home - I could have them on my own right now because I've worked my butt off for years and from nothing made sure I am financially comfortable for years to come - my goal for the $$ is to be a stay at home mom. I do understand that it's hard to leave being a couple - believe me - but take it as a sign - that maybe it's time for you to create the lifestyle you want for yourself not expect it or seek it from a man or a relationship.
I'm not asking you to answer those questions here just to think about it.
many women settle for relationships without chemistry in order to be in a stable marriage - I could not - you have to decide whether you can. Good luck.
After the abusive relationship I did receive counseling from a therapist trained in DV issues, and it did help. I never told her everything though, and I'm not even sure I could ever really open up about everything to someone. I think that I figured for so long that being a psych major who intended to become a therapist, I should be able to counsel my own self, that I felt silly going for therapy. I am the one whom everyone else comes to with problems, how ironic is that? I have been thinking about going ahead and getting counseling and I am realizing that it might be a very good idea in light of all that I have been through.
You are right on with what you said about missing the *longing* feeling from a relationship. That makes SO much sense to me. Thank you so much for your insight. :)
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Your points about chemistry and love make sense. I feel the same way, I think I would just hate to find out that this is not the man for me because I have dated a lot of guys and I know from experience that men as kind and easy going as him don't come along every day.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. :)
:::I think that I figured for so long that being a psych major who intended to become a therapist, I should be able to counsel my own self, that I felt silly going for therapy.
Don't let that stop you in your progress of knowing and loving yourself. Even GOOD therapists know when to seek help.
From reading your post, I kind of get that this man is the total opposite of everything you've ever experienced. It's calm, sure, and steady. As far as missing the passion and fireworks I would say either the two of you have some sexual compatibilities issues OR you are so use to the attention to your body and sex (the drama of previous relationships that revolved around your body) that you miss it to some degree, because that is what you use to measure your self-worth as a woman, being attractive, desirable, wanting to be wanted, to validate you as a woman..... AND if his conditioning has *programmed* to be passive sexually, then it won't change unless he wants it to, if he's willing to work on it, and demonstrate what he wants when he wants it, namely you in bed (sounds like incompatibility to me).
Something to think about.
Carrie
I understand love is different things to different people, and I know that ultimately I will have to be the one to decide if what I have with this man is my definition of love, and I do agree that I should probably seek some counseling to know myself in a deeper way before I make that decision. The abusive marriage I was in took a huge toll on me in so many ways that it is no doubt downright silly of me to think I can heal completely without any help.
Thank you for your reply.
:)
My best to you.
:)
Your scenario is straight out of the book "Women Who Love Too Much".
Pages