What a MESS with my DH... Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
What a MESS with my DH... Please help!!
10
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:51pm
Ok so here is my story and I need some emotional assistance.... This is REALLY long wow...
My husband and I got married at 18 and have been married almost 2 years (Yep we're young!)... We got pregnant with our son after a couple of months. We've had our problems and have pretty much relied on each other for friendship. We have been so busy getting ahead with bills and with our son that we have never really focused on having fun or being REALLY happy together (which we can be at many times, just not all the time).
Anyway, my parents own a business in our city and live in another country for the most part. We had some problems with trusted employees, so my husband and I asked my parents if he could work at the office. We were hopeful he would learn the business so he and I could take it over one day.
Well my mother came to stay with us to handle the transition of firing them and hiring him. Her stay here has been much longer than expected. She's been here for about 2.5 months. I have been ok with it because she helps me with our son and my husband never objected to anything. We live in a 2 bedroom and she is staying in our son's room while he stays with us in our room. It's not a big deal because he normally sleeps in our bed anyway.
Things started to get stressful at the office lately and my husband began to complain about his working 2 jobs and me staying at home with our son.
Then a couple of weeks ago, my husband calls me to say that his younger and troubled brother needs a place to stay because he got kicked out of his mom's place. They are in WI and we are in TX. I told him that he would have to work on his GED, clean up, help around the house, and if he does ANYTHING stupid he's out. AND he has to pay to be here. This was supposed to be TEMP because he is in the military reserves and is supposed to train to be active duty (or something like that?). And that would be after he completed his GED.
His brother got here and we had a FULL house. He decided to bring his brother to the office to find a job the first day he was here. DH and I were getting along really well at this point. The next day my husband again brought him to the office (without asking permission...) and they were there all day chatting up a storm and leaving the office for an interview. This left my mother in the office all alone and that is the #1 rule in our office. So the 3rd morning I told DH, listen you REALLY need to ask permission today for bringing your brother into the office, it's just too busy there and it's not right to not ask and assume it's ok. This turned into a huge fight and I then had to pack up our son and bring him to the office with me so I could cover for DH. My mother called him and said how dare you send your wife in for YOUR job. This sent DH over the top. He then told ME he wanted to leave me and he was not happy anymore.
From that point on for this past week he will not budge. He wants to move out and sign a lease with his lovely brother. He's avoiding his son and telling me he wants a divorce. I've begged and cried, totally lost my voice, I've had the flu all week, I'm not eating and I'm a TOTAL wreck. I told him we HAD to work this out for our family. All he says is he doesn't believe that I am going to be nice to him and he is just going to go be happy without us. He says he loves me but he will not be with me any more. His brother and him now work together, they are ALWAYS together. His brother is a slob and isn't doing a thing around here and DH keeps driving him places with our car (he has no DL)...
Now we don't even have my husband's 1st income and I've been a SAHM to our son. This is all so dramatic and I guess I'm in denial.
He says he's moving out. I've asked him to stay and work on us and we'll send my mother and his brother away. My mother wants to sign a lease somewhere so she can stay and help me, but DH wants to leave (he's PRETTY SURE), but if my mother signs a lease she can't help me with this one if I'm all alone here. He wanted her gone, but now he wants to be gone. But he hasn't really told me that he's leaving. Sound confusing? He's being so rude to me, so mean.
2 nights ago we went out alone together, and we got home he asked to cuddle with me. We cuddled and talked for an hour before we both passed out. In the morning he was back to the same thing (a little more forgiving though). He's still been sleeping in my bedroom, but I think it's only because I'm asking him to. He's listening to me talk, but he's not budging on his wanting to be without me. It feels like a yoyo, I feel a glimsp of hope and then I bug him too much and it's gone. GEESH
All I can think is this is his brother's doing. I want him out of our lives and then maybe I could get my husband back!!!!! It's like he found his new bud. Wow. I heard nothing but bad things about him before this.
What a CRAPPY WEEK!!!! I wish I could turn this around. I did talk him into going to a counselor, but he believes it's so I can get past this and he can leave. We are going on Wed. Hmm, What to do, what to do!!

Shaundra

  • Wife to a handsome Combat Medic
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:52pm

Hi meyers_s and welcome to the board.

Keep your appt on Wed and hopefully things will get sorted through. Having family live with you can be very stressful, but I kind of agree with you that he's found a 'best friend' in his brother and may want to live that way right now. Hopefully counseling will help. Let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 1:22am
It looks like divorce is coming. I hear him say things that makes me think he wants to try. But all it comes down to is he basically hates to hear my voice, doesn't want to be around me, wants me gone. Our meeting seemed to go well, but he didn't change his mind. Basically it came down to him being a very angry person and that this isn't totally my fault. I just wish so much that he would be willing to try to make it work for his family (namely me and his son). We have so much going for us. What is wrong with him?!? He is SO STUBBORN. How could he rather live with his brother, whom he was NEVER close to, than me and his baby boy? What a horrible thing to do to us!!!!!!
I feel my only option is to move away... My son is still young enough that I can start over. I am so so sad by this. SO sad!! Every time I try to change his mind or talk to him he gets so angry. He doesn't want to talk about any of it. Then he says I'm the one hurting him!!! He even had the balls to tell me that I was "some life partner" when I tried to keep something from him.
My heart is aching even thinking about starting over and moving to another country. Wow... I hope this is the right thing to do.
My other option is staying in our apartment and let him move into one two buildings away from me. For some reason I feel that in the long run that will hurt me so much more.
What should I do??????

Shaundra

  • Wife to a handsome Combat Medic
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:40pm

Hi meyers_s,


Do you have another appt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 1:04pm

Is your husband willing to continue to go to counseling? Maybe you could try a trial separation while continuing the counseling? He could move in with his brother and then maybe he would change his mind and realize what he is losing. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 11:46pm
I told him I would leave instead of him getting the place across the street. I just don't think it's fair to me and Wyatt. He has a deadline for us, which is the end of next week. He says "otherwise I would've just moved out." He doesn't want to talk about the relationship. He is no longer willing to see the counselor. He is very against them in the first place so it was shocking he went the first time.
Another thing has been added into the mix. I contacted a TV show producer who was looking for people with relationship problems and wanting to mend them. It involves them flying us to Chicago and providing accommodations. After her speaking with me she was very interested in our story and then wanted to contact DH. He told me NO way... I talked him into speaking with her and he was very open with her. He even gave her his cell phone number for her to call him back and talk to him further. I heard parts of their convo and he said things that really make it seem like he wants to consider trying. She called me today and said that they are very interested in us coming but we don't have a for sure. I asked DH if he would go and bugged him a bit and he said yeah. Then later today I pushed the issue a bit more and he said he wasn't going.
He was supposed to go out with me and our son tomorrow and he has now told me he doesn't want to go anywhere with me and he doesn't want to speak with me.
I asked him if he really cared about me like he says he does why can he not stand to be around me and he responded with "I'm really starting to wonder that myself."
I REALLY want to give him his space to let him consider what he is doing, but I'll be leaving him with his brother. This is a terrible situation. His brother is so immature. I keep wishing there were a way to make his brother just get out of our lives!! I don't even know where to go if I do leave. I feel so lost and so sad. How can he be so mean about this? *sigh*

Shaundra

  • Wife to a handsome Combat Medic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 2:14pm

Hi S, from my years of experience, this kind of sudden about-face with all the anger and insults sounds to me like he has a reason to be guilty.

I dated a guy for a few years who was cheating on me with different women. He and I got along so well when he wasn't "involved" with someone else. But when he had some woman he was seeing on the side, or he'd had a one night stand with someone, we'd fight like crazy. He'd start the fights and he'd be mean and unfair.

I had no idea the cheating was going on and when I found out, I left him without a backward look.

I'm hoping you can work this out. Are you ok if he messed up once with someone else? You are both young. Maybe you need to ask him what the real reason is for his behavoir. I suspect it is guilt.

Take care and keep us posted!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 11:43pm
My best friend is asking me the same thing... I really don't feel like he's cheating on me. Doesn't seem like he has the time. Besides that I really think I would know if he were. He never seemed the type. But he certainly didn't seem the type to destroy a family either. He does seem VERY guilty! It is mind blowing how angry he is, it's as if *I* cheated on him. He is so incredibly mean to me. I've only tried to be super nice to him. I let him use my car since his broke down, cook him food, ask how his day was... All I get is "F you", "don't want to talk to you", I ask him to show me some respect and not talk to me in front of his brother. I even asked his brother to give us privacy and he JUST SAT THERE!!! OMG I opened up my home to this boy and he is actually disrespecting me. He has cussed at me and hasn't done a thing around this place! I can not do a THING with my DH without his brother having to be there now. If I say something about it it's "F you, I want him here, he can be here." His brother is totally the new girlfriend. I am SO jealous of him and so very pissed off.
BTW, I have to be out by Friday. What a great guy huh?

Shaundra

  • Wife to a handsome Combat Medic
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 7:39am

"BTW, I have to be out by Friday. What a great guy huh?"

Whether your husband is willing to acknowledge it or not, you are the wife, and as such you have legal rights. Please see an attorney before you agree to do ANYTHING (and if you don't like what the attorney says, se another one), because in months to come, what you do now may affect your settlement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 7:11pm

Do you own your place with your husband?

It is time to stop worrying about what is fair and start doing what is right.I think that you and your mom and son should move to an apartment that is leased in her name. Contact a lawyer about the business/house/custody and stress of living with your husband any other legal matters. You don't need to be in an environment with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

And don't pursue the reality show.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 11:27pm
Thanks for the support. I have since moved out to another town. I also purchased a new car since he wanted mine, which he now shares with his brother. Things only got much much worse and I think he has completely lost his mind!!! So much for saving the relationship.
Also, no TV show for me.

Shaundra

  • Wife to a handsome Combat Medic