what now? don't ignore me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
what now? don't ignore me
2
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:11pm
i've left 2 other messages as follow-ups as to what's going on in my marriage (or lack there-of), and nobody ever gets back to me. i am always responding to others' discussions.

i need help. read "after marriage counseling..sigh" at the bottom

he is a brilliant man, but he is passive-aggressive...an angry man.

we've been going to marriage counseling for a year w a psychologist,who has been hinting me to leave.

i can not until i get a job. i wz a bilingual teacher for a few yrs, and a spanish-french-english teacher too. wdn't believe it the way i write on this board??? hehehhhe

i am also a photo-journalist. i am a very talented person. i've sent out applications and my resumé and nothing yet.

so, what can i do in the meantime to live w this angry man??

i've stopped doing everything for him...then i've tried to make peace..it's always me, and i've gone back to doing everything or some things for him.

it dzn't work...the second i'm nice to him, he becomes nasty to me.

but if i don't go near him...who suffers? we both do??

how do i survive this until i can get a teaching job and get out of there?

also, he has "borrowed" over $100,000 from me, and i only have $7000 left in my account. i can not leave now.

rent here is over $2500/month for a 2 bedroom apt.

should i ignore him or try to make peace or what?? he is making my life

miserable

please help me

thanx

kitties

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:35pm
HEre's my advice...get realistic.

He's drained you of $100k..and the longer you stay the more of your $7k he's going to get.

Do you "understand' what passive aggressive is? It means he hold syou accountable and responsible for his feelings and failures and successes - and therefore nothing you do is good enough, and nothing you don't do is good enough. It simply means that whenever he's being "nice, friendly, or at least calm" - he's 'getting everything he wants right now".

But that's the problem...right now is just "this second in time" - and what he wants and needs, requires, desires, and considers himself entitled to is subject to change without notice...but how he perceives he should get it is as consistent as Monday is long - from you, thru you, at your expense, via you.

So, nothingyou do is going to do anything but appease and placate at the moment...which if you're going to adopt that tactic until you get the $100k back, or until you get ajob....that means yo're going to divest yourself of the $7k plus some (because once you run into the red youll still have credit and he'll expect you to apply for loans to pay his expenses..and if you don't - here comes Mr. Aggressive).

Or, you can accept that what you've invested in him in terms of money, time, effort, and sacrifice are not going to "pay out" in a positive way...walk right now into an economic location that has the most potential to offer you a position based on realistic and factual assessment of the job market in that area. Contact family and friends, let them know you might need assistance and what could you count on in the event of that need - even if itis just emotional support via collect calls - you need to know you can do that.

But...what you don't need or want if you're really gin to get out - is to stay there, paying him to be nice, when you're just temporarily staving off his aggression at your own expense and detriment.

Therapy is not going to "change him"...you want him to be someone he's not. Admit openly that your investment in him is enormous and it is a humilitating embarrassment to leave in this position given your previous position financially and otherwise prior to meeting him...but if you don't get out while you're "embarrassed but with something' - you'll end up "dumped when you have nothing but debt and nowhere to go."

Getting out isn't that hard...make a few calls, take your $7k...don't tell him where you're going and go. YOu have no kids, you have no legal ties....what you have are feelings that ou're treating as facts and goals and calls to action adn that is your downfall.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 2:44am

kittie. the answer is right there in front of you, but its very very difficult for you to just get up and say "enuf of this S**T, i am leaving, let him have the 100K$, let him have whatever, but i am getting out of here".


its not easy.


its admitting (really really really admitting) that you 'failed' in some way.


its owning up to YOUR responsibilities


its learning ALOT about your talents and capabilities


its stepping out onto the tightrope without your concept of a safety net.


yup, its scary. but you know what - its also extremely empowering. i did it 8 months ago, and have not looked back. i don't know how much money i 'lost' to that marriage - and frankly - I DON'T CARE. its MONEY. and my life (and my DS's life) is worth more than money.


i can tell you that i had a lot less than 7000$ when i left. and i have even less of that left right now. and i am working like a dog, every minute of the day. and slowly but surely, pecking my way out of this hole. i have no property, no car, its difficutl for me to even buy a new shirt (i live in a country where salaries are very low and prices are approximately the same as in the US). but - my family and friends have been GREAT! and my son is great! and the world is a whole lot nicer place.


but don't forget one really important thing: you can't escape "you" when you leave. whatever issues "you" have - will be there. yes, you will be away from the abuse, but if you don't deal with "your" issues - they will just always be there. take it from someone who knows....


good luck