What is the problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
What is the problem?
2
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 4:03pm
Just a little background. I have been dating an almost 36 year old woman (I am a 33 year old man) for about 13 months. Neither of us has kids, I was married before for 1.5 years and she left me about 2 years ago. The new woman and I had a short physical relationship about 11 years ago while at the end of college and had not seen each other since. Both of us are in very professional fields. She picked me up at a bar when we were with mutual friends about 13-14 months ago and we "hooked up" that night but nothing was said after the fact because of my previous relationship. About 3-4 weeks later I called her after running into a friend of hers that I had known for a long time and she told me she was interested in me also. I live about an hour from her but spend most of my time in the area and I was planning on making the move up soon anyway. We went on a date and then ended up spending most weekends together but would also do things by ourselves, with her friends, with my friends and then all together. Physically our connection was something I can't describe, we got along wonderfully, travelled quite a bit and talked all the time about almost anything else but long term stuff. About 6 months ago I had major problems with a contractor for my house that I was finishing up and her job got very crazy. In the last 2 months I had spent most nights in the area as my job was starting even though my house was in another city. As the months have progressed and all of my problems with the house and starting my new job in her area have started to come to a conclusion we seemed to both distance ourselves from each other. I wasnt sure what she was thinking about our future and vice versa.

Well anyway about 3 weeks ago she stated out of the blue that she didnt want me to live with her and that she had asked her friends "when do you know" if the person is the right one and they told her you just do. She said she wasn't sure if I was "the one" and wanted time because she felt her feelings changing. I told her (for the first time) that I saw myself marrying her and she was a bit taken aback and she said that she wished I had told her that a few months ago. She said she wanted to get married (didnt say to me or not) and also said she was thinking that she would like to have children(when we first started dating she had said that she didnt think she did) She said she could be making the biggest mistake of her life but needed to figure things out. She said that she felt as if she was loosing her identity and needed more time with her friends and family. I told her I didnt want to make her be with me and then moved most of my things into a friends house.

Since the breakup we talked a few days later and she said she was still attracted to me, cared about me, and that I was one of her best friends. I have seen quite a few of her friends in the last few weeks (some she has known 20years) and they say openly to me quite a few things: that I was the most serious guy she had dated, that they all thought I was the one, that she has bailed out of relationships before at the first sign of problems, that her reasons make no sense and are things she should have just talked to me about, and that as she starts hearing that she is making a mistake she is building up a wall.

I am thoroughly confused as to what I should or shouldn't be doing. I love this woman with all my heart and having been in two other serious relationships have a very good idea of what it takes and what I want in a person. Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated and I'm sorry this is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:22pm
I think you need to take a step back and give both of you some space. Take things slowly. Give everyone breathing room. Take care of other things in your life. And see what happens.

It sounds to me like you spent too much time together and had too much drama and she got overwhelmed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 3:03pm
Thanks