What is the real reason why he is here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
What is the real reason why he is here?
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 9:35am
Hi. I am now 8 months pregnant with my fiance's child. We have been together now for about 2 years. We both come from previous marriages and have two children from those marriages. When we first got together (as with many relationships), he was an absolutely amazing man. He was very attentive to mine and my childrens needs, was incredibly loving, our communication was great and we all felt like a true family. A little over a year later, he began getting cut hours at work and finacially we began to struggle. Then things just continued to fall apart and we grew distant. Eventually we separated for a few weeks.
During the time we were separated, I was devestated (to the point of depression... Barely making it to work, wanting nothing to do with anyone...). He on the otherhand, was going out drinking and even dating other people. What else he did, still haunts me (meaning, I constantly question, did he sleep around??)
We began going to a counselor and things started to look up. We werent living together and at times, we would go back to his place and he would tell me how much he loved me and that as before, he still wanted us and wanted for one day for me to become pregnant. Well, I did become pregnant and when I did, he blew me off... Then said that he told me what he did because he didnt think it would happen (we had been trying before w/ no success)... And even said that I would end up being a single mom of 3. The first few months of my pregnancy was horrible emotionally and physically for me. He then began to slowly come around and we seemingly worked things out. I then ended up with placenta previa, a major blood clot and a small placenta abruption and was immediately hospitalized for several weeks (8). I was eventually allowed to return home but on complete bed rest. During this time, I felt really scared, depressed and insecure but keeping a completely happy face for my two daughters (thank God also that my mother lives nearby). I dont know what came over me but I looked at his cell phone. Apparently while I was in the hospital, someone had texted him, how have you been... He replied, who is this... She replied, amanda... He replied, i was hoping it was you... call me, I cant text.
So needless to say, I asked him about it. He got very upset of course and then proceeded to tell me that she was a girl that he dated while we were apart and he doesnt know why he said what he did to her but with all the stress going on, he wanted to talk to someone positively and who liked and wanted him.
I'm still in shock over this and of course the red flags have been going off like crazy BUT, I'm still here in this relationship... Hoping and praying that things will return to how they once were.
He again swept me off my feet and my two daughters and I moved in to a home with him. They have loved him just as much as I have (which may be why I fall for him so easily) but lately, he has become very short tempered with me and with them. I have to constantly put him back in his place when he starts up on my daughters. When he starts up on me, I just take it. He always apoplogizes later which these past few days i have learned, mean nothing because he is just going to do it again.
He also spends most of his time on his cell phone with the guys now and / or hunting as opposed to any time with us as before. I hear him on the phone now saying that yes, he's up for hunting this weekend after he had just promised me that he wasnt because he wanted family time. Basically, I feel like he's just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. I just dont know if Im over reacting or if Im legitimately feeling the way that I am about him and this relationship which isnt positive at all.

I do know that I am terrified now about the fact that I feel it in my heart that I already am and definitely will be a single mother of 3. I feel like a failure on so many levels (my relationships, now my job being that I have to be out...). My self esteem is gone. I am incredibly insecure and lonely. I just dont know what to do anymore. My children deserve more and better than all of this.
Any advice you have, would be so appreciated. Thank you for hearing me out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-03-2011 - 9:50am

He's with you for two reasons.

1) It's the logical choice to stay, on paper, with the future mother of his child.

2) Because you haven't left him, he gets the stability of a family with you AND the fun of sex with other people. Win-win for him.

I don't get why you'd impregnate yourself by a man who isn't your husband, with whom your relationship was falling apart, who wasn't living up to the man you hoped he would be. He's an idiot. He tried to get you pregnant but when it finally happened he dismissed you because he didn't think it would actually happen?

You deserve smarter people in your life, and you deserve to make smarter choices for yourself and your child.

PLEASE TRUST ME ON THIS ONE: It is far better to "divorce" yourself from him NOW, than later on after years of emotional abuse and cheating. Leave now, your child grows up feeling fine and normal to only have a mommy, without having to suffer parents fighting, daddy's neglect, and eventual divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 2:13pm

First of all, I'm so sorry you've gotten yourself into this mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 12:27pm
He's already told you that you are going to be a single mom, so I would start preparing. See an attorney about setting up child support. Secure things with your job (they can't fire you for being on medical leave or pregnant). Look into housing for you and your 3 children, since you can't stay with a man who mistreats your kids. You can probably qualify for Section 8 or some kind of assistance to find housing since you are a single mother.

It doesn't bother him that you're there because he does what he wants anyway. He probably doesn't want to be seen as the jerk who knocked up a woman and then threw her out, so he grudgingly lets you stay while he hangs out with his buddies and is mean to you and your kids. Secure your future and that of your 3 kids and realize this guy isn't going to "change" because this is how he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 11:59am

I am sorry that you are in this rough place right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2007
Sun, 10-02-2011 - 9:36am
Oh... Im sorry this is so long but the whole point of this was, is how can I tell if he is only here with me and the girls because i am pregnant with his child??