what should I do

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
what should I do
2
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 1:56pm

me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 and a half years, we have been living together for a year and a half and we have always talked about marrage and kids, him just as much as me. he has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship and he always says how he wants more and cant wait to be a farther again. I love his daughter very much and she stays with us every weekend and is always involved with everything we do. but the other day he told me one of his friends was getting married and we got talking about us, now he has said in the past where we are getting married and he would marry me tomorrow if we had the money but this time he just coldly turned round and said " you are always talking about getting married i'm not ready can we not talk about it anymore" which suprised me because he is the one who is always talking about it.

then i found out last night that he had been engaged, he never told me this i found out from his brother. him and his ex had an engagement party with all his family which i'm close with and he never told me, nobody told me and i just feel like a mug. When we first got together I knew he had a child and he had already had that experience with someone else which i can except but the fact that he was going to marry somebody else that planning a wedding and having his family planning his wedding is another experience that he has already had. i just feel like if we do get married then the engagment part of it wont be as special for him as it is for me because he is already been there. I feel like am good enough to look after his daughter when he goes out and good enough to clean his house and share a bed with but i'm not good enough for a proper commitment.

I dont know if i'm upset at the fact he has been engaged or the fact that he never told me. We have been together so long now i thought there would be no more secrets for me to find out,

please tell me if i'm over reacting

thank you for any response,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: hsh1985
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 4:31pm

It seems like a big thing not to tell you, but I have to look at it from his perspective for a minute... He's with you, a girl he wants to marry and has a future with; how would you react if you found out that he had asked someone else to spend the rest of his life with him? Sure it was a mistake but at some point he had strong enough feelings for her to want to marry her. Also, without having married one another, being engaged for a short time really did not mean that much.

"but the fact that he was going to marry somebody else that planning a wedding and having his family planning his wedding is another experience that he has already had. i just feel like if we do get married then the engagment part of it wont be as special for him as it is for me because he is already been there."

That's probably what he expected you to think, and why he didn't tell you.

The reason he's waiting on you is because he doesn't want to make the same mistake twice. That's a good thing. When it happens for you two I'm sure he'll be much more sure and happy about it. People don't magically break up overnight; I'm sure they were having problems during their engagement and I bet he didn't feel quite right about marrying her.

I wouldn't make too big a deal out of this. If it's weighing too heavily on you, tell him that you know about it (don't rat on his brother though) and have a conversation about it. I'm sure you'll feel better if you hear what he has to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: hsh1985
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 8:16pm

Welcome to the board hsh1985,


Why are you selling yourself short?