What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
What should I do?
5
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 5:48am
I've been with my guy for about a year and a half. My jealousy over his ex has been a constant problem. Basically, they're still friends. Which isn't necessarily what bothers me. I think being friends with an ex is a sign of maturity. But my idea of being friends with an ex doesn't include frequent, regular contact (once a week at least). We've fought over this issue many times. It comes down to neither of us willing to compromise. He feels that he has already done "enough" to limit contact with her. I've stayed with him with the hope that their friendship would die down naturally. But it hasn't and I'm starting to feel that it never will. One of my problems is that I often look far ahead into the future. I know that while this bothers me now, it's not something I will tolerate in a husband. I realize some would consider this extreme, and I have tried to rationalize it away, but I know I will not be happy with a husband who talks to an ex that frequently. So if neither of us are willing to budge on this issue, then I can't foresee a future with him. Although I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, knowing that the potential with him isn't there definitely affects how I feel and behave towards him. My self-protecting mechanism prevents me from allowing myself to be as emotionally open/vulnerable. What should I do? End it now? End it later? Hope that things might change? Am I being unreasonable?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 12:08pm

Welcome to the board yuffie76,


Is this contact once a week on the phone or in person?


If this bothers you now and you aren't willing to accept this behavior in marriage, than my advice would be the just end the relationship now since he will not end his contact with her. Would you still feel this way if the friendship was with a girl than wasn't his ex?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 6:17pm

Thanks for the reply Coltara. I don't think I'd feel the same way if this was a girl that wasn't an ex. He used to talk to a fellow female co-worker rather frequently and it didn't bother me to the same degree. With the ex, the contact is usually maintained either through phone calls, AIM, or texting. He doesn't see her in person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 9:06pm

Most therapists do not advocate remaining friends with exes - cordial and friendly - yes - an ongoing relationship - no. Of course you don't feel comfortable being emotionally open and vulnerable, your boyfriend has on ongoing relationship with a woman he was once intimate with. Many will say "It's over - he's with you now" but that doesn't cut it. If it's over you let go and move on. You don't risk losing something worthwhile with someone new to hold on to the past. My son is 24 and while he wants to be friends with his ex at some point, he won't put his current girlfriend in the position of feeling like she has to compete with his history with another woman.

If you aren't happy why stay? He's not going to change and it doesn't look as though you're going to be feeling good about the situation anytime soon. This is a delicate situation and it doens't seem to me your BF has done anything to ease your concerns. Telling you he's already compromised enough is hardly reassuring.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:43pm

We date to find the perfect person to settle down with....why would you wait if you know that he has no intentions of ending this relationship? If he isn't husband material now he won't be later.

I am not going to comment on whether or not you are rational about your jealousy because you're jealous pure and simple. Make the right choice now and if you choose to stay with him let go of the jealousy.

Cindy

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 3:33pm

No, you're not being unreasonable. You're being wise. It's good that you can be strong in what you stand for and how you feel. You are clearly aware that this kind of closeness between your partner and his ex is not something you want to live with