What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
What should I do?
2
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:33pm
I have been living with a man for just over two years, we dated for 2 years prior to my moving into his house. He asked me to move in after I lost my job and had mentioned it several times before I lost my job. Our relationship was great while dating however, several months after moving in, I found out he had joined a singles site. We got past that but things haven't been the same, he travles a lot, more now than he did when we were dating and I guess it's taking it's toll or I'm just suspicious. I noticed the kisses changed and now it's just a quick peck on the lips. We used to make love every day that he was home, now it may be once or not at all. Several months ago I found out he had joined adult friend finder, yes, I was snooping. Of course he had reasons, thought I was going to leave, that I was looking for someone else, etc. Our relationship of late has been almost platonic but he still tells me he loves me, calls me sweetie, likes to cuddle at night, just no sex. He says his blood pressue is high and the doctor gave him medicine for it, he also keeps viagra in the downstairs bathroom although he rarely used it. Just before he was to leave on a tour, where he would be gone for a month, a package arrived, I accepted delivery, it was from an online pharmacy. He opened it while I was at work and the next day I found a new bottle of viagra in the drawer in the downstairs bathroom. I don't know when it was that I noticed it was gone, I wanted to ask him about when he came home recently, but was too embarrased to bring it up, in case he had just moved it. He was home for 10 days and we didn't make love at all, he was still attentive and said he loved me everyday but he also seemed to be picking on me for little things. When it was time to go to bed he would stay up, saying he would be up in a few, I thought he meant a few minutes, but it was always an hour or more. I checked the bathroom drawer after he left and no vial of blue pills so on the second night he was gone, I asked. His reaction was anger, denial, at one point he said "what business is it of yours?" He changed the subject to things I have done, past arguments, etc. I finally apologized for asking just to end the arguement. We haven't talked about it since and he is back to being loving on the phone, just like nothing happened. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:55pm
Sometimes we just don't want to trust our intuition ...why??? Because maybe we don't want to really know the truth, perhaps because we are afraid of the truth??? Really doesn't matter but I think that it is reasonable to say You KNOW how you feel and feelings are the language of the soul. We always want to second guess ourselves. You don't sound like an unintelligent person to me...all the signs are there and you have read them quite accurately I would say.

So this is not about him any longer ...it's about you! Why are you staying in a situation you are not happy with? You deserve to be adored and cherished and completely secure in your relationship and for some reason you keep giving this guy the benefit of the doubt against your better judgement.

Start looking for you own place to live...You need to be in control of your own life and your own feelings. Tell him you care about him but your feeling generally unfullfilled in the relationship and that you would like to take back your heart and put it in a more secure place, cause right now you feel it is in danger of getting damaged and you are the only one who can prevent that from happening.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 10:17am
Thanks Blu, I know you're right, it's just hard to accept. I am making plans to leave but it will take me a while. There are several things I have to get in order before I can make that move. In the mean time, I am acting like everything is fine, so very hard to do. My biggest problem right now is he wants to go to Florida over Christmas. My daughter and her family live there and we have visited them during holidays before. He knows I will jump at any chance to see my grandkids, so how do I get out of this without revealing my plans?