what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
what should i do?
1
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 2:01pm
since i started college i've been in an on & off relationship with this guy (I was 18, he was 21 when we met). when we started seeing each other, he wasn't ready for a girlfriend b/c he had just got out of a serious relationship of 2 years (about 4 months before we met) in which his ex had cheated which i completely understood. We got really close though in a short amount of time which kinda took both of us by surprise. We just had so much fun together and were practically inseperable.

About 3 months later he went home (him & his ex are both from a different state) for a weekend he came back & I could tell something was different. I asked him what was up which led to one of our 1st serious conversations. He explained that when he was home he bumped into his ex's mom which brought back a lot of memories & he realized that he still wasn't over the situation completely. He added that he had met other people/dated after their break up but I was the first person that he actually really cared about or got close to which was unexpected. He just felt like everything was moving so fast & he wasn't ready for it so we should seprate for a while until he's completley moved on from his past b/c he didn't wanna do anything to hurt me. i was hurt but glad that he was honest and we still remained close friends.

Now here it is a yr later and it seems like we just keep going in circles. He still doesn't want a g/f but everytime I make an honest attempt to finally just get over him he comes back into the picture and starts doing all the right things. I can't say I'm not to blame for allwowing that to happen but recently we've been spending a lot of quality time together (i.e. dates, long phone conversations) and I don't know what to make of it. We're just friends at this point and not intimate with each other or anything like that but there's obviously still an attraction between us. he's admitted to my best friend that he still really cares about me but just doesn't wanna be w/ anyone right now. I actually want a relationship though and I don't know what I should do at this point. I'm just not sure whether it's healthy to continue the realtionship we do have when I want more and what's even harder to understand is why if we obviously want 2 different things he won't just let me go? Am i wasting my time by sticking around and if so what should my next move be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 3:06pm
You seem like an intelligent and introspective person but I think in this case you are too involved to see what is happening


'why if we obviously want 2 different things he won't just let me go?'

Because he enjoys you as a friend and sometimes emotionally romantic partner.

You know why and you stated it yourself. He isn't ready. He not only isn't over his ex but he is very young to be getting so involved. As long as you equally participate in the relationship the way it stands and let him reconnect with you, you will be wondering what he is thinking and constantly upset. He is manipulating you even if he isn't conscious of what he is doing.

'Am i wasting my time by sticking around and if so what should my next move be?'

Tell him you love him as a friend and more so it is too difficult for you to be his friend when you want different things. Then don't have any contact with him.

Move on and find a guy who wants what you do.