what should i do?
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| Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:47am |
I met my boyfriend online at yahoo....we talked for two months, then on the phone, we met and we've been together ever since. We've been living together for four months now and have just moved into a new apartment together. A little history about me, I was in a seven year relationship with someone who constantly cheated, etc...so I'm always watching myself and keeping that guard up. With my boyfriend now, I've slowly let my guard down but I'm beginning to think i'm a fool for doing so.. We met on yahoo personals...after we got together..i was bothered that his ad was still there and that he would go in from time to time changing it, updating a picture here and there....not thinking that I would see this.. I took my ad down, I figured he had found me, so I expected him to do the same. I finally said something and he took it down because he didn't want me to feel insecure. When I asked him why he still had it up, he told me that as a younger guy he never really got noticed and he needed for women to tell him he was attractive, etc....it bothered me because I think that I'm the only person who's opinion of him should really matter. I dealt with it and we moved on. My boyfriend is very handsome and I know that girls notice him and flirt with him. I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and I hate it, it makes me insecure and it makes me wonder why does he want to be with me if he could be with someone who's thinner than I am. He's never said anything about my weight, only that he wants me to be happy and healthy and that's not why he's with me. I've gotten comfortable in the relationship and have learned to trust him and not feel so insecure all of the time. He got out of a 4 year relationship about a year and a half ago and has a two year old son as a result. To get to the point of all of this, about a week ago I noticed online that he had been visiting an online dating site called eroticy.com.....my instincts told me something was going on. I then noticed a few days later that he had emailed a picture of himself from my email account to his....one day while he was out, I jumped online and got into his eroticy account....I found what I was looking for. I found emails that he had sent to about four women, explicit sexual emails about what he wanted to do to them....I was crushed. I printed up all of the information and gave it to him. He blew up and went on a tangent about me invading his privacy (which I was sorry for but think I had every right to find out). This is someone from day one has told me that he'll be honest at whatever cost...his mother has told me that he'd never cheat on me and that I mean the world to him, etc.... After this happened, I asked why.....after supporting him, helping with his son....how he could do this to me. He told me that there are things about him that he wants to keep secret just like I would have things I wouldn't want anyone to know about me. From what he told me, this is something he's done for years, even with his ex of four years and girls before that. He said watching porn did nothing for him, but talking to a real person and getting that attention and that say so that he was goodlooking would turn him on. I felt so betrayed and feel like I'm not what he wants. I asked if he was planning on cheating on me and he said no....that that's not why he does it....then why?? He's with me all day, we work together....we come home together, he doesn't go out, he doesn't make excuses to get away, he doesn't treat me badly....but I don't know how to feel about this. I don't trust him. In my heart I feel that he would never do anything to hurt me, I feel that he would never cheat on me but actions speak louder than words and I just don't know how to move on from this. I know my insecurity will push him away...but I don't know how to hide the way I'm feeling and just make like it's okay when it's not. Please help...thanks.

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Are you willing to live with him carrying on via e-mail with other women this way? Are you willing to constantly question in your head whether or not he's going to see escorts or other women? Where is he now that he's out of town? Do you always want to wonder? I say get out as fast as you can and don't look back.
toriphile322
The writing is on the wall - he is seeing other women online for erotic pleasure. You did nothing to cause this and you can do nothing to change this.
You cannot remain in a relationship with someone like this - it won't work, is not good for you or your health esteem and you could get a disease.
I would get out NOW or like the other poster said, pack his bags. This is non-negotiable in my opinion and there is no going back.
Be strong. I hope you have friends or family that can help you get through this. You should consider yourself lucky you found out now and not much later.
Afterwards, I think you should work on getting your life back. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself - you deserve that after all this.
Exactly,like I said you need to leave. You can say nothing or you can tell him that you feel betrayed and heartbroken and you are leaving.
'If he loved me or even cared about me, he woudn't need the reassurance from anyone but myself. '
You assuming he doesn't have a problem. Something is off here with him and he isn't the committment type. It is not about reassurance it is about the mystery of strangers and paying women to have sex with him.
Edited 6/19/2004 12:08 pm ET ET by ciao_gina
He has a strange sex addiction and this is not about you; it is about him. He is not for you or anyone since he has this problem. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
At any rate, there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and leave. You must not be sad for what could have been. You must move on so you will find someone who cherishes you and deserves you. Accept nothing less.
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