what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
what should i do?
14
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:47am
I'm writing because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this....so I come to all of you seeking advice and some sort of direction to go in.

I met my boyfriend online at yahoo....we talked for two months, then on the phone, we met and we've been together ever since. We've been living together for four months now and have just moved into a new apartment together. A little history about me, I was in a seven year relationship with someone who constantly cheated, etc...so I'm always watching myself and keeping that guard up. With my boyfriend now, I've slowly let my guard down but I'm beginning to think i'm a fool for doing so.. We met on yahoo personals...after we got together..i was bothered that his ad was still there and that he would go in from time to time changing it, updating a picture here and there....not thinking that I would see this.. I took my ad down, I figured he had found me, so I expected him to do the same. I finally said something and he took it down because he didn't want me to feel insecure. When I asked him why he still had it up, he told me that as a younger guy he never really got noticed and he needed for women to tell him he was attractive, etc....it bothered me because I think that I'm the only person who's opinion of him should really matter. I dealt with it and we moved on. My boyfriend is very handsome and I know that girls notice him and flirt with him. I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and I hate it, it makes me insecure and it makes me wonder why does he want to be with me if he could be with someone who's thinner than I am. He's never said anything about my weight, only that he wants me to be happy and healthy and that's not why he's with me. I've gotten comfortable in the relationship and have learned to trust him and not feel so insecure all of the time. He got out of a 4 year relationship about a year and a half ago and has a two year old son as a result. To get to the point of all of this, about a week ago I noticed online that he had been visiting an online dating site called eroticy.com.....my instincts told me something was going on. I then noticed a few days later that he had emailed a picture of himself from my email account to his....one day while he was out, I jumped online and got into his eroticy account....I found what I was looking for. I found emails that he had sent to about four women, explicit sexual emails about what he wanted to do to them....I was crushed. I printed up all of the information and gave it to him. He blew up and went on a tangent about me invading his privacy (which I was sorry for but think I had every right to find out). This is someone from day one has told me that he'll be honest at whatever cost...his mother has told me that he'd never cheat on me and that I mean the world to him, etc.... After this happened, I asked why.....after supporting him, helping with his son....how he could do this to me. He told me that there are things about him that he wants to keep secret just like I would have things I wouldn't want anyone to know about me. From what he told me, this is something he's done for years, even with his ex of four years and girls before that. He said watching porn did nothing for him, but talking to a real person and getting that attention and that say so that he was goodlooking would turn him on. I felt so betrayed and feel like I'm not what he wants. I asked if he was planning on cheating on me and he said no....that that's not why he does it....then why?? He's with me all day, we work together....we come home together, he doesn't go out, he doesn't make excuses to get away, he doesn't treat me badly....but I don't know how to feel about this. I don't trust him. In my heart I feel that he would never do anything to hurt me, I feel that he would never cheat on me but actions speak louder than words and I just don't know how to move on from this. I know my insecurity will push him away...but I don't know how to hide the way I'm feeling and just make like it's okay when it's not. Please help...thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:14pm
Someone please read and give me some advice...He's out of town until Sunday and I've been snooping since he's left. We had the arguement last Wednesday the 9th...I found two emails last night on his account, one dated the 9th and one the 10th. The emails were to some escort or something...they talked about how much it would cost and what was involved..he said he wanted to set something up with her and when would be a good time for him to go to her. What do I do with all of this??? I know that if I bring it to him, he'll freak out again for me invading his privacy...but he never sees the bigger picture that this is "our" relationship and that he's doing things to risk it. Am I the one who is in the wrong here? I love him, very much and I feel like I've done so much and for him to do this to me especially after having a blow out the night before that the next day he'd be setting something up with an escort. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:19pm
If he is planning on meeting people to have sex then you need to leave. You can't trust him and you can't spend your life checking into his accounts and wondering where he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:29pm
How do I initiate the conversation that I know? I figure at this point anything that is said is going to end the relationship because he doesn't listen...does it matter how I bring it up? I'm confused, I'm hurt and just feel very betrayed by someone that I thought cared about me. I would never do anyting to jeopardize the relationship....my heart's broken.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 4:10pm
ending the relationship is probably a good idea. sorry, but that's my feeling when it comes to any kind of cheating.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 5:31pm
As far as I'm concerned, there's no need for a conversation. I would simply pack my bags (assuming there's a place to go), or pack his, and say "I can't stay with someone who speaks to women this way, regardless of whether or not there is actual physical contact involved. If you have this 'need' to be admired by other women and to have your sexual fantasies fulfilled by e-mailing this way, then you don't need me. period." And then leave. Don't let him turn this around on you or try to convince you that it's "no big deal" just because it's what he's always done. He's getting sexual fulfillment from other women and sees nothing wrong with it. Therefore, he will NOT stop, no matter what he tells you. He's even trying to justify it by saying it's his own business and something that he wishes to keep private.

Are you willing to live with him carrying on via e-mail with other women this way? Are you willing to constantly question in your head whether or not he's going to see escorts or other women? Where is he now that he's out of town? Do you always want to wonder? I say get out as fast as you can and don't look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 10:10pm
It doesn't matter HOW you got the information, the point is YOU KNOW, and in my opinion what you know about him is an absolute dealbreaker. I know how difficult it is because you've invested so much time and emotion in him, but this is totally unfair to you. And I don't think you will ever be able to trust him, at least not in the near future. Don't let him turn this around on you. He's already been cheating emotionally; now it sounds like he's planning to cheat physically. You don't need this! Say goodbye, difficult as it will be, and move on with your life.

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 4:23am
I agree with these posts here.

The writing is on the wall - he is seeing other women online for erotic pleasure. You did nothing to cause this and you can do nothing to change this.

You cannot remain in a relationship with someone like this - it won't work, is not good for you or your health esteem and you could get a disease.

I would get out NOW or like the other poster said, pack his bags. This is non-negotiable in my opinion and there is no going back.

Be strong. I hope you have friends or family that can help you get through this. You should consider yourself lucky you found out now and not much later.

Afterwards, I think you should work on getting your life back. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself - you deserve that after all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 11:00am
I've read all of your posts and I appreciate them all. The truth is he comes home tomorrow night and I have no idea what to do. We live together, we just moved into a new place two weeks ago. I love him very much but at the same time I belive relationships are based on compromise and if he's not able to compromise this "need" of his for me, then it'll never work. I'm saddened, I'm disappointed and I'm very betrayed. It hurts me more knowing that after that big fight we had regarding the emails, etc...him seeing me so upset and hurt that the next day he was planning on setting up a time with that whore. Part of me feels like throwing the $150 in his face and sending him off to her...so he knows that I know then telling him to get out. I will no longer be taken for granted, I will no longer be made a fool and I will no longer be made to accept things that hurt me. I was fine before him and I'll be fine after him. It hurts like hell and I didn't want to picture my life without him but the last week, I don't know if I can live with someone who doesn't get all that he needs physically and emotionally from me. If he loved me or even cared about me, he woudn't need the reassurance from anyone but myself. I've supported him, I've loved him, I've taken care of his son, I was there for him, I didn't let him fail or sink if I could help it....I rode his rollercoaster of emotion and this is what I get for it. My heart is no longer involved...he lost me by his own choices. Now, I just have to stay strong and keep in this track in mind and figure out what will happen when he gets off of that plane. He called yesterday at work...he knew something was wrong, I just avoided the question and said it wasn't him...he then called again last night, and I just ignored the cal....it's 8am now and I'm sure he'll call but I don't want to hear his voice...it just breaks my heart. How could someone do that to someone...how could someone play with someone's emotions....he's been through that before, he's been on the receiving end and the giving end, just as I have.....I've never treated him badly....it hurts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 12:04pm
'figure at this point anything that is said is going to end the relationship'

Exactly,like I said you need to leave. You can say nothing or you can tell him that you feel betrayed and heartbroken and you are leaving.

'If he loved me or even cared about me, he woudn't need the reassurance from anyone but myself. '

You assuming he doesn't have a problem. Something is off here with him and he isn't the committment type. It is not about reassurance it is about the mystery of strangers and paying women to have sex with him.


Edited 6/19/2004 12:08 pm ET ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 12:17pm
I know you have pain. But everything that happens in life has a reason and in time you will see that you were better off without him.

He has a strange sex addiction and this is not about you; it is about him. He is not for you or anyone since he has this problem. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.

At any rate, there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and leave. You must not be sad for what could have been. You must move on so you will find someone who cherishes you and deserves you. Accept nothing less.

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