what should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
what should i do?
14
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:47am
I'm writing because I don't really have anyone to talk to about this....so I come to all of you seeking advice and some sort of direction to go in.

I met my boyfriend online at yahoo....we talked for two months, then on the phone, we met and we've been together ever since. We've been living together for four months now and have just moved into a new apartment together. A little history about me, I was in a seven year relationship with someone who constantly cheated, etc...so I'm always watching myself and keeping that guard up. With my boyfriend now, I've slowly let my guard down but I'm beginning to think i'm a fool for doing so.. We met on yahoo personals...after we got together..i was bothered that his ad was still there and that he would go in from time to time changing it, updating a picture here and there....not thinking that I would see this.. I took my ad down, I figured he had found me, so I expected him to do the same. I finally said something and he took it down because he didn't want me to feel insecure. When I asked him why he still had it up, he told me that as a younger guy he never really got noticed and he needed for women to tell him he was attractive, etc....it bothered me because I think that I'm the only person who's opinion of him should really matter. I dealt with it and we moved on. My boyfriend is very handsome and I know that girls notice him and flirt with him. I'm the heaviest I've been in my life and I hate it, it makes me insecure and it makes me wonder why does he want to be with me if he could be with someone who's thinner than I am. He's never said anything about my weight, only that he wants me to be happy and healthy and that's not why he's with me. I've gotten comfortable in the relationship and have learned to trust him and not feel so insecure all of the time. He got out of a 4 year relationship about a year and a half ago and has a two year old son as a result. To get to the point of all of this, about a week ago I noticed online that he had been visiting an online dating site called eroticy.com.....my instincts told me something was going on. I then noticed a few days later that he had emailed a picture of himself from my email account to his....one day while he was out, I jumped online and got into his eroticy account....I found what I was looking for. I found emails that he had sent to about four women, explicit sexual emails about what he wanted to do to them....I was crushed. I printed up all of the information and gave it to him. He blew up and went on a tangent about me invading his privacy (which I was sorry for but think I had every right to find out). This is someone from day one has told me that he'll be honest at whatever cost...his mother has told me that he'd never cheat on me and that I mean the world to him, etc.... After this happened, I asked why.....after supporting him, helping with his son....how he could do this to me. He told me that there are things about him that he wants to keep secret just like I would have things I wouldn't want anyone to know about me. From what he told me, this is something he's done for years, even with his ex of four years and girls before that. He said watching porn did nothing for him, but talking to a real person and getting that attention and that say so that he was goodlooking would turn him on. I felt so betrayed and feel like I'm not what he wants. I asked if he was planning on cheating on me and he said no....that that's not why he does it....then why?? He's with me all day, we work together....we come home together, he doesn't go out, he doesn't make excuses to get away, he doesn't treat me badly....but I don't know how to feel about this. I don't trust him. In my heart I feel that he would never do anything to hurt me, I feel that he would never cheat on me but actions speak louder than words and I just don't know how to move on from this. I know my insecurity will push him away...but I don't know how to hide the way I'm feeling and just make like it's okay when it's not. Please help...thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:24pm
Thank you. You're right, I feel like I keep trying to justify his problem and I keep trying to blame myself that it was something I did to make him want to stray and do this all. It's still hard because I go from one minute being upset to the next being hurt....My head knows what is right but it's hard to make my heart feel the same way. I know that I'm better off without him and I know that I deserve more. He's never done anything for me but bring me pain and I don't want to waste another seven years on someone who makes me sad. I know I what has to be done...wish me luck and a lot of strength. I don't have many friends where I live, I'm still new to the area and it's very hard when you don't have someone to talk to. I don't know any of you but thank you, thank you for listening and being "there".
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 3:43pm
You are smart to listen to your head.

Each day will get easier, I promise. And the longer you go, the more you will know you did the right thing.

Be strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:48pm
I want to let all who posted....I was right. While he was gone on his "trip" he kissed someone. There's too much to get into right now but we had an all out war this past Saturday. I've decided to work things out and see what happens but I'm not playing the "but I love him" role...wish me luck and strength to try and get through this.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:03pm
Of course he kissed someone. He has been cheating on you and won't stop. He has a problem. It amazes me that you are putting up with this.

'I'm not playing the "but I love him" role...'

Then what are you doing? Playing the 'I will stay with him and make him PAY for this' role, playing the 'I deserve to be treated like crap' role, or is it the 'I just need drama in my life' role?

Don't try to pretend that you aren't the victim here and that you are being strong.

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