What should I do? - Communication probs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
What should I do? - Communication probs
2
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:43pm
I haven't posted before, but I'm stressing out. I'm 25 and I've been with my husband for 9 years, two of them married. Because we fell in love when we were young sometimes I wonder if he would be somebody I would fall in love with now. I feel like I'm 10 years older than him sometimes (we're the same age) and sometimes he makes me feel like a stupid little kid. It's so hard to communicate my feelings to him because he always gets defensive right away, which makes me cry, which makes him more upset and nothing ever seems to get solved. He is not the type to ever take fault for anything, so it's basically useless arguing. But things turn into an argument so easily with just the way he speaks to me. I feel like he talks down and his tone is hateful over the stupidest things, like the housecleaning or the way I handle our son or any little thing. I know that I am oversensitive with him for many reasons (a whole other disucssion there)but nobody else talks to me that way. My step-mom used to talk to me that way as I was growing up and I always hated it. And now I am feeling those same feelings I had as a kid, just by the way he talks to me. It makes me scared that I will do something that is wrong in his eyes and I will get "chewed out" for it.

So I tried to tell him how I feel and asked him if he can bend and maybe speak to me a little more respectfully and then maybe I won't get so emotional and we woulnd't get into a dramatic argument. He just turns what I say to him into an argument and doesn't think he is ever chewing me out just talking and that's just the way he talks when he's a little upset so I should live with it and not be so sensitive.

I just feel like I'm always going to be in this relationship where he is never wrong, would never apologize for anything because nothing is ever his fault and won't really ever listen and understand where I'm coming from. He is always assuming the wrong thing when it comes to how I think and feel and it's really hard to communicate with somebody who doesn't really understand you and won't take the time to silently listen and then use what I've said to better our relationship. I just don't know what to do. I want us to go to counseling to learn how to communicate better so we can start understanding each other better, but he thinks that is stupid and would never do that. So I feel like I have to go to counseling by myself, which pisses me off that I'm in this position - alone and that I'm the only one trying better our relationship. I don't think he understands how important communication is in a marriage. And compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:15pm
Even though you are angry about having to go to counseling alone, please go anyway. You will learns ways of coping with the way he speaks to you. You will learn to communicate in a whole different way that will make way for change. Right now because he is critical, not willing to communicate, talks down to you (a form of abuse) - he's acting like a parent in the relationship and putting you in the role of a child.

You want your relationship to become an adult-adult one..... counseling can help you stay centered and give you the tools for a better response. Like instead of taking his comments personally and making you feel bad, you will be able to *react* differently and change the scenario.

Counseling will also help you with your self-esteem. Reading material to consdier also:

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

If he won't go to counseling with you, see if he will read one of these with you:

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 6:42pm
Thank you for the reference to the books. Actually I'm reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus right now. I never read it before, and now feel the need to read it as I feel that I am over-analyzing everything to do with our relationship right now and I'm trying to help myself. I went to a counselor once a few months back and just spoke with her for 20 minutes or so, just to meet and describe my problems. She recommended my husband come in with me for joint counseling, but at the same time she was already putting my husband down and calling him names as I was talking with her. So I didn't feel comfortable going back to her when she was pre-judging and telling me what she thought. Plus my husband wouldn't do it because he doesn't think another person can solve our problems. I explained that it's to help us to learn to solve our problems ourselves, but he doesn't understand. And whenever I mentioned going by myself he wouldn't like that and thought I wouldn't have to or something. I'm a stay at home mom and we are low on money, so I can't really afford to go to one right now, but I do think that I should. It's just hard to talk myself into going. This is the first time I've ever posted anything and I've been feeling bad about stuff for 2 years now and we've been arguing for 2 years. So I've just been wallowing in my own misery and not doing anything about, just over-analyzing everything. I'm just so sick of it.