What should I expect?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
What should I expect?
3
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 9:55am
I've been going through a difficult child custody battle since July this year. In September, I met this wonderful guy that I've been dating up until ten days ago. My schedule and my ex have made a major impact on our relationship. But come to find out, he also has a child back home. At first, we decided that we weren't going to talk, but it became unbearable because of the love we still have for eachother. We still care and are in love with eachother, but both know that we need to get out lives straighted out individually as people. Eventually he's going to move closer to home in the East to be near his daughter. We both currently live here in the West. We both agreed there were no rules at this point. From where I stand, everything is still the same..except we don't have the label and of course, the sex. But everything is the same. We still call and tell eachother we love eachother. I want to be with him, but don't know when I should say "Enough is Enough, I can't wait anymore"!! I agree that we both need to get our lives situated, but feel that I am waiting for him...when do I know that its time to move on??? I feel that if love is true enough, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, no matter what the situation is. I am so confused, when do I say its not worth waiting for anymore???
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:10am

Actually, it sounds like right now is the time for you to pick up your life and start to move on.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:27am

Although it does feel that when we love a great deal, somehow we can dissolve all obstacles and make a relationship work, no matter what differences there may be. This is not always so, especially when two individuals meet in mid-life, with children in the picture and other plans and responsibilities. You say he plans to move East to be with his daughter. You live in the West. If you do not plan to move to the East with him, right here there is a great divide. When two people who love each otehr feel the need to pull apart, only talk, and no longer have sex, then clearly, there are grave difficulties in pursuing the situation. What is needed here is for the two of you to sit down and have an open, honest and clear talk. Get it all out on the table. Don't allow any game playing to go on, because these games only create confusion and tie our time and emotions up. Be honest and clear not only about how you both feel, but about future planning - life goals, values, directions and how you both see the relationship as time goes on. If you are not significantly aigned in your vision and direction, then, no matter how much you care for each other it is better to let it go. Otherwise you can lose a lot of time and energy in limbo, wishes and dreams. If he can't be very clear and specific with you, then accept that, and let go. He may not be clear enough or ready to create a plan such as this. But if that is the case, then it is much healthier to recognize that this situation can go in many different directions and to go on with your life. In this case, I would not continue these conversations, as it just keeps the emotions ratched up and keeps you hoping and unable to move forward.


Love is indeed wonderful, but it needs to be coupled with clarity, honesty, mutual direction and the willingness to be open in one's communication and take responsibility.


All good wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 9:07am
Hi,

Since this last post, we both have continued to talk to eachother. We had a dispute yesterday he said to never call him again. I think this is for the best. Deep down inside I still think hes still going to come back to me, but I know that this is not the time. I absolutely agree with you..I know that I shouldn't wait around for him. I know I have other priorities that more important. Love is something that should happen naturally, not something that should not be forced upon. Thank you for taking the time to answer my concerns. I'm glad I posted my message here. Once again, thank you.