What would you do?
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What would you do?
| Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:11am |
My bf and I have been together for three years and I want to get married. We have joint accounts, I have him on my benefits (because his suck), we bought a luxury car together, are getting ready to move into a house we are buying together. He is a father figure to my son and his daughter comes over every other weekend to stay with us and she and I are very close. I feel like we have done everything but get married. Last year I went with him to his family reunion and everyone thought we were married I was so embarrassed. I told him I am not going with him this year unless we are at least engaged. The thing is he keeps saying he wants to get married too, but that I am pressuring him. I don't want to pressure him, but I don't want to sit back and wait forever. I also want to have a baby and I will be 36 next year and my son is already ten years old. We love each other very much and our relationship is great, I just want us to make it official. He took me to the jewelry store to pick out the type of ring one day this summer, I thougt the ring would soon follow but that was six months ago and nothing. When I tell him how I feel, he said I see you're really serious about this and I'm going to take care of you, but he doesn't do anything. I feel like I shouldn't go any further with our relationship, because he's probably never going to marry me and I don't want to wait forever. Or play mommy to a little girl that is not my step-child and the same for my son. I've already gotten myself in this far, and now I don't know what to do. I know an ultimatum wont work and I don't want to give him one, but I feel I should do something, but I don't know what. Help!!

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but if you don't see any results soon, they make it crystal clear to him.
I live with mi fiance and I frankly doubt that our wedding will change all that much between us, it's the love that is the really important thing.
You have to do what you need and want in life.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
Smart thinking. Funny, when we were married a lot of people would ask how things were different and I would say 'Well I wear a wedding band now and I call D my husband instead of my fiance' Of course we were living together before so that makes a huge difference. Still, I think people get into trouble when they expect marriage to change their relationship for the better.
Carrie
I've read your post and the varied responses with interest. My first thought is that you have to follow your heart. If you truly want to be married, then that should be your goal. You should not have to apologize for wanting that "piece of paper". Besides, it's entirely possible that this man may not be the right man for you. He may still be looking or he may just be content with bachelorhood. I think you would be cheating yourself if you continue to settle for being his concubine. He does seem to have a pretty sweet deal going on for himself, so he really doesn't have much incentive to change. I think you should issue an ultimatum and stick to it. I offer that advice with a lot of reservation, because I think if you are reduced to having to MAKE A MAN MARRY YOU....something is incredibly wrong.
Speaking of a piece of paper....read this wonderful letter that was sent to Dear Abby...makes a heck of a lot of sense to me!!
DEAR ABBY: Many couples who live together without marriage say, "We don't need a piece of paper to make our commitment to each other binding. A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing!"
WRONG! May I point out that when a person buys an automobile he had better have that "piece of paper" or he could be in a lot of trouble.
Also, a driver's license may be "just a piece of paper," but you'd better not be caught driving without it.
When a person buys a home or any other piece of property, he makes sure that he has that "piece of paper."
And when a person graduates from high school, college or trade school, that "piece of paper" can make the difference between getting a job or not getting one.
We live our lives with pieces of paper, beginning with a birth certificate and ending with a death certificate. And let's not forget the will -- another very important piece of paper.
So, when I hear people say, "A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing," I'm reminded of the classic adage, "Ignorance is bliss." -- PAPER IS PROOF
The signature says it well. A marriage certificate is written proof that a couple is officially one unit, with legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. These include rights of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and later in life, Social Security (news - web sites) benefits. There is also the psychological benefit for all concerned.
If something were to happen to the father of her children, with no marriage certificate, your daughter and the children would be left with nothing -- no voice regarding his medical treatment, no claim to his body.
I'm all for "romance," but when children are being considered, it's time for a dose of practicality. Please urge your daughter to rethink her position.
-Abby
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