What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
What would you do?
18
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:11am
My bf and I have been together for three years and I want to get married. We have joint accounts, I have him on my benefits (because his suck), we bought a luxury car together, are getting ready to move into a house we are buying together. He is a father figure to my son and his daughter comes over every other weekend to stay with us and she and I are very close. I feel like we have done everything but get married. Last year I went with him to his family reunion and everyone thought we were married I was so embarrassed. I told him I am not going with him this year unless we are at least engaged. The thing is he keeps saying he wants to get married too, but that I am pressuring him. I don't want to pressure him, but I don't want to sit back and wait forever. I also want to have a baby and I will be 36 next year and my son is already ten years old. We love each other very much and our relationship is great, I just want us to make it official. He took me to the jewelry store to pick out the type of ring one day this summer, I thougt the ring would soon follow but that was six months ago and nothing. When I tell him how I feel, he said I see you're really serious about this and I'm going to take care of you, but he doesn't do anything. I feel like I shouldn't go any further with our relationship, because he's probably never going to marry me and I don't want to wait forever. Or play mommy to a little girl that is not my step-child and the same for my son. I've already gotten myself in this far, and now I don't know what to do. I know an ultimatum wont work and I don't want to give him one, but I feel I should do something, but I don't know what. Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:42pm
give him some more time. i think he's just preparing himself.

but if you don't see any results soon, they make it crystal clear to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:53pm
It is broke, because I am not happy. Things are good because I am trying to deal with a situation that I don't agree with. I'm sure if I was to say that I would stop having sex with him he'd be ready to give me an ultimatum - give it up or go. I told him how I felt from the start. I was married before and felt very secure in my relationship. the problem was I got married when I was a teenager. Living together is very different from being married. Especially when children are involved. My son is very aware of the fact that we are not married and that bothers me. This is not the message I want to send to him. I feel that by us not being married, he is telling me that he doesn't value me as a woman. If he doesn't want to get married, he should not have gotten this deep into the relationship. I told him how I felt from the beginning. He refers to me as his family, but I am not and he isn't mine. I would feel like we are truly a family if we were married. People always assume we are husband and wife and I feel awkward stating that we are not. He also get upset when people call him Mr. Townsend (my last name). He just wants to have his cake and eat it too. He gets all of the benefits of a wife, while maintaining his single status. Males that I know, have told me that if a man and woman are together for a long time without marriage it is because he is still looking. I don't know if this is true or not but it definitly crosses my mind. The other things are my own self-imposed beliefs that if I'm going to be doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning house and making love to one man - that man had better be my husband or on his way to being my husband. I never did for a man in my life the things I do for him, because he's a little old fashioned and can deal with that. I could better deal in a wife capacity. This is just the way I see it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:03pm
Thanks for responding to my little dilimna. Great to have a male perspective (male right?. It's not a phase thing for me I was married before for ten years. The thing is all the things that we have done and accomplished in our 3.5 year relationship. We have lived together for three years. If things had gone in a different direction, and we kept things seperate then I wouldn't feel this way. We wouldn't be so involved with each other's children, going to each other's family reunion and spending holidays with extended family. Those are not things I take lightly. Some guys I have dated have never met my son and I would never bring a guy to my parent's house unless I was serious. I will admit that there is some pressure. Most if not all of the girls at my job are married, I want to be married to set the right tone for my son, and I want to be married if and when we decide to have another child. I've assured him that things will only get better. There's nothing like the love of a woman when she's secure and happy and willing to give her all because the commitment is there. I don't want to be "his lady or his baby mama. It's all about wifey for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 6:58am
One of my best friends is living with her partner, they have two children and live like a married couple, but he is not ready to pop the question. I can assure you that he is not still looking, they bought a house together that he has mainly paid for because he makes a lot more money than her, but he still put her on the house papers as owning 50%, so I doubt very much that he is still looking because he has shown so much commitment.

I live with mi fiance and I frankly doubt that our wedding will change all that much between us, it's the love that is the really important thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 8:50am

You have to do what you need and want in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 10:44am
'I frankly doubt that our wedding will change all that much between us'

Smart thinking. Funny, when we were married a lot of people would ask how things were different and I would say 'Well I wear a wedding band now and I call D my husband instead of my fiance' Of course we were living together before so that makes a huge difference. Still, I think people get into trouble when they expect marriage to change their relationship for the better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:41pm
yep, with Jack.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:46pm
Sky,

I've read your post and the varied responses with interest. My first thought is that you have to follow your heart. If you truly want to be married, then that should be your goal. You should not have to apologize for wanting that "piece of paper". Besides, it's entirely possible that this man may not be the right man for you. He may still be looking or he may just be content with bachelorhood. I think you would be cheating yourself if you continue to settle for being his concubine. He does seem to have a pretty sweet deal going on for himself, so he really doesn't have much incentive to change. I think you should issue an ultimatum and stick to it. I offer that advice with a lot of reservation, because I think if you are reduced to having to MAKE A MAN MARRY YOU....something is incredibly wrong.

Speaking of a piece of paper....read this wonderful letter that was sent to Dear Abby...makes a heck of a lot of sense to me!!

DEAR ABBY: Many couples who live together without marriage say, "We don't need a piece of paper to make our commitment to each other binding. A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing!"


WRONG! May I point out that when a person buys an automobile he had better have that "piece of paper" or he could be in a lot of trouble.


Also, a driver's license may be "just a piece of paper," but you'd better not be caught driving without it.


When a person buys a home or any other piece of property, he makes sure that he has that "piece of paper."


And when a person graduates from high school, college or trade school, that "piece of paper" can make the difference between getting a job or not getting one.


We live our lives with pieces of paper, beginning with a birth certificate and ending with a death certificate. And let's not forget the will -- another very important piece of paper.


So, when I hear people say, "A piece of paper doesn't mean a thing," I'm reminded of the classic adage, "Ignorance is bliss." -- PAPER IS PROOF


The signature says it well. A marriage certificate is written proof that a couple is officially one unit, with legal protections and benefits for spouses that single people do not enjoy. These include rights of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and later in life, Social Security (news - web sites) benefits. There is also the psychological benefit for all concerned.


If something were to happen to the father of her children, with no marriage certificate, your daughter and the children would be left with nothing -- no voice regarding his medical treatment, no claim to his body.


I'm all for "romance," but when children are being considered, it's time for a dose of practicality. Please urge your daughter to rethink her position.


-Abby

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