What would you do if you were me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
What would you do if you were me?
1
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:02pm

Hi all

I'll try and keep this as short and to the point as possible.

I have low self esteem issues and so far I've never been able to find a way to get over these. I'm not sure if my current problem is just a result of the low self esteem, or whether I really do have a crap boyfriend.

Background
I'm a British citizen, living in Canada. I met my Canadian boyfriend some 8 months ago and wham!! Totally fell for him hook line and sinker. He swept me off my feet. Made me feel very special - all that kind of stuff.

Underlying Problem
I foolishly told him that I loved him after only 3 weeks (I wasn't lying, but it was WAY too soon). BAD MISTAKE I KNOW. He didn't say it back, he just hugged me and said he was flattered. We were very happy together, I got on very well with his son (he has him 50/50). I told him again, about 3 months later that I loved him. And I got silence back. After that I started to think maybe he doesn't actually love me, even though he seemed to show it in so many ways. I was sure he did, but when he didn't say it - twice - I started to doubt myself, doubt his feelings for me. I've never said it since and neither has he.

He asked me to move in with him after 6 months. Against my better judgement I did. It didn't feel right because I felt he didnt' love me and I shouldn't be living with someone who doesn't love me. But I went ahead and moved in. Things were heaven for a short while. Even now, he shows affection, he hugs me, kisses me (those toe curling kisses), buys me flowers, he's thoughtful, remembers what my favourite treats are and gets me them often, gives me massages, in general, treats me like a queen. But despite this, as time has gone on, every day I feel more and more and more depressed, withdrawn, alone, unwanted and unloved. Its gotten worse since our sex life is just about none existant. He suffers from an underactive Thyroid and this makes him very tired at night and this is the reason he gives for not initiating sex very often (averaging once every couple of weeks). He said he would go to the docs for his medication (he ran out) but he hasn't done that so far.

I feel like I'm suffering from depression from this, I cry most nights. I go off by myself whenever I can, just to escape having to pretend that everything's fine (not that I'm a good actress). Its getting steadily worse and I'm now finding it almost impossible to hide my pain from him (and his son, who's 7). The other night, his son wanted to watch a kid movie, my partner went to lie down in bed and I just couldn't face being there any longer. I got up, grabbed my car keys and drove. I was gone for about an hour and a half. I came back, I figured both of them wouldn't have even noticed I was gone. But his son said "where were you, we were looking for you?". Trust kids to speak their mind. I just fobbed him off. My partner looked at me, came over and gave me a hug, but spoke not one word. Its as if he doesn't want to know if something's wrong. He doesn't want to deal with it. That hurts. I've tried talking to him, but "guys hate talking about this stuff", I've tried writing to him, but he "doesn't like communicating by letter". So all forms of communciation are pretty much out - unless he'll accept sign language!!

Techncal Problem
I'd have left him long before now, for my own sanity, if nothing else, only he has agreed to sponsor me as his girlfriend so I can stay in Canada with him. If we break up, I will have to go back to England, which I really don't want to do. With or without him in my life.

Although the thought of leaving him does break my heart - I love him. I do feel I'd eventually be happier. Back to my original question - Am I just suffering from depression or do I have a crappy boyfriend?

I'm not sure how much more I can take.
What would you do?
Be gentle
Goldie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 1:42pm

Welcome to the board cbays -


My guess is that you two speak different love langauges and you are missing the boat in conveying how you feel.