what would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
what would you do?
10
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 9:35am
So I am in a bit of a situation where I am having some doubts, I think I know the answer but need a sounding board. A year ago I reconnected with a past friends with benefits lover. At the time I was looking to boost my ego from coming out of another failed relationship. We live in seperate states but hooked up 2 or 3 times as we did in the past. I didnt feel as though our dynamic was much diiferent than it had been in the past and accepted it for what it was. Then I started to feel a little used. For sex. And realized that I had always wanted something more with him. I expressed my feelings for him and told him that I had loved him for a long time and wanted more. He did not recrocrate the same feelings and said he had used me in the past for sex but really liked me now and wanted to see where it would go. I continued to fly out to see him a couple more times and even though he was super sweet to me our time together was spent mostly having sex. The last trip i took to see him once again i felt bad after leaving, empty inside as though i had betrayed myself again. So i decided to take some time away from a relationship and work on my own issues. I felt and still feel if it is meant to be it will be there when i am ready. Since making that decision i told him that i was dedicating the next year of my life to myself. He has since turned the corner and now wants me to move to colorado and build a life with him. He says he is ready for a relationship now and is tired of being alone. My initial feeling is he wants a relationship period. Whether with me or someone else. He told me that if i decided to keep my comitment to myself he would understand but he would have to move onto to find someone else rather than give me the remaining 6 months i have asked for. I feel as though if i am truly his first round draft pick he claims me to be then why cant he wait six more months? Why is he pressuring me to make such a vital decision to pick up and move to be with him. He has never come to visit me, I have allways gone to him. I am just now working at a good job in which i am able to support myself and i am scared to give that up?. I have told him he should see other people. I want him to be happy. I also want a relationship with him. Am i being to selfish in asking him to wait? Do i sacrafice my promise to myself to be with him now? what would you do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 12:50pm
No not at all...there will always be a man...i know there are many fish in the sea. I have just wanted him for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 11:04am
With such hesitance on your side, it's just not the right thing to do! This cannot be your only shot at love, or are you thinking that it is?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Thu, 12-08-2011 - 10:20am
Thank you all for the great advice. I have spoken with him and let him know that I still needed the time to work on me and that I wanted to wait 6 more months before I could dedicate to a relationship. I told him I think he should open himself up to other women and if he is still single when i am ready that we should give it a shot. Its my logical side that feels like that is the right thing to do. My heart feels like I am giving up something I have wanted for a long time. I have known him for 20 years although in and out of his life in that time. He told me he wanted to think about it for a couple days and get back to me. Last night thru text he said he wanted me to take the time I needed and he wanted us to do things right. He said he understood what a big risk it was for me to move and that it was scarey for him too. He said life doesnt give any guarantees whether it would work or not but tbat he would give 100% of himself and do everything he could to make it work. Why am I havinv such a hard time with this? So confused..so many what ifs...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 1:32pm
Wow I'm going through a similar situation! I would tell him that moving might be an option but give you time. If he can't give you time, then he's not the one. I told a love interest I was still working it out w/someone else and I wanted to stay friends. He acted like a jerk and said he had enough friends. Well we didn't go out. I told that to someone else and he was fine w/it, and we went out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 12-04-2011 - 12:12am

Given the past history of the "relationship" do you honestly think he WOULD put himself on "hold"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 7:05pm

You've written a paragraph of all the things you've done for him and now he expects you to move to CO to be with him..

Tell me what significant things this guy has ever done for YOU.

Does this relationship not feel incredibly one-sided?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 5:43pm

Virgogirl, you've received some excellent advice so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:58pm

Hi there, I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

To me however, it's pretty clear what you should do. STAY PUT. DUMP THE DUD.

You do NOT have a solid foundation for a relationship. Happy long term relationships are based on very good, solid foundations.

To even THINK of moving out there, I would need to have already dated this guy normally (not a FWB) for at least a year in order to uproot my life to try the next year wit him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:29pm

I just think it's way too risky for you to give up a good job and move to another state to be w/ a man who just claims to want a relationship and you don't know how it's going to turn out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 12-03-2011 - 12:21pm

You obviously haven't had enough time to "work on yourself" because you know very well that he has used you in the past, and he will continue to use you.