What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
What is wrong with me?
4
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:17am
Hello, I am hoping someone will read this because I am so confused! I have went through all the workshops and they just made it worse! I am desparate for advice from someone who can be very objective. I have been with my husband since I was 17. He was the sweetest person I had ever met. I brought one child to the relationship and after we had been together for a month I realized I was pregnant with another man's child. I asked him to leave because I felt i should give her father a chance and I didn't think he should have to raise 2 children that werent his. Of course it turned out my baby's father didnt care and my boyfriend said because it was before him he wanted me back anyway. We have been together ever since. I can't really pinpoint when things started going wrong. But they are really wrong! I am totally doubting whether they were ever really right or if I was just naive to it all due to my hellacious life before him. I had never had stability, had literally moved every six months or less since I was born. My mother had married 5 times. I lived with drug and alcohol abuse the whole time I was growing up. I had been raped and was eventually an unwed single mother by the time I was 13. I met my husband at 17 after finally leaving my mother, getting my GED, a job and some independence. He had lived a totally different life from me. He came from a family with mother father and siblings, lived in same home for years, had tons of friends and a name in the community. He never minded that I was different from most ppl even seemed to like that about me. I had sworn from the time I was a small child I would never marry. He proposed 3 times and I turned him down but he stayed. When I finally found religion I asked him. This came after 5 years together another child on top of my 2 and another on the way. He never really had the goals like I did. I always knew that I could do something great with my life. (Anyone who had lived like I had and still be a straight A student had too right!)His goal was to get a job and live. Since then he found his job and I have another child, 5 in all now. I havent accomplished anything except taking care of him and the kids and this past year I found out I didn't do that as well as I had thought. In 2000 my father was dying of cancer. He asked me to go and get him out of the hospital and take care of him until he died. So with my husbands permission I did. I found out last year that while I was gone he cheated on me. Now I feel like a fool. I always thought we had had the perfect family. Now I think back and I remember things that should have been red flags. I had an STD years earlier and I told the doctor he was wrong because neither of us had been with anyone but eachother. My husband even had the nerve to let that woman move in with us after my father passed and I came home. I didn't know then but he did, wouldn't guilt prevent him from doing that. I feel like I am losing my mind! I can't find the strength to get past this. I watch his every move. I get upset every time he looks at another woman. I don't want to take the stability and life that I have worked so hard to give my children away for selfish reasons, but Iam not sure I can go on like this. Sometimes I just want to die! Thanks for reading this long post, please respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:22am
Wow!!! That is quite a story. I wonder how old you are now and how old your boyfriend is. Also, how many of your kids are his?

Well, it sounds like you have had a rough life. You have made some bad choices (i.e. getting pregnant young and many times) but, everyone makes mistakes. You sound like a good person with a wonderful heart who wants to do the right things. First of all, you and your kids need to come before anything. As far as your boyfriend cheating on you and having her move in, that sounds like your boyfriend is extremely imature and isn't taking this relationship seriously.

If it was me, I would sit him down and explain:

"I have made some mistakes, but I am not that same person and I want different things now, I wan't better things for my kids and most importantly me. I want to start to live my life as a responsible adult, someone my kids and I can be proud of. That means if we are going to be together, I want both of us to start taking our lives and our relationship seriously . If you are willing to do this I will be so happy, if not I understand, but, I have to do this for my kids and for me."

I give you alot of credit for turning out as wonderful as you did. It must have been so hard for you going through everything you have. Just remember the saying "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I totally beleive that saying. You must be a very strong women and your kids are very lucky to have you as a mother. I just hope your boyfriend realizes how wonderful you are. If he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you and there are many men out there looking for someone as beautiful as you!!!

Please keep me updated!! Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:41am

hi and hugs!!! wow! what a story! i applaud you, truly, for having the strength and guts to try and make a better life for yourself "against all odds". i think, though, that no matter how much you "WANT" a normal life, still, due to the upbringing you had, the violence, the rape, the addictions, etc ---- you CAN'T do everything the way you want. lets just say that you are missing some "basic" tools to help you get thru life's every situation(which, BTW, happens even to people from so-called "stable", two-family, nice neighborhood, environments, as you can see by your BF)


look at your life. at age 17 you left your mom, got your GED, had goals, a job, etc. and yet - you got pregnant, five times, and as much as i know you love your kids ---- it was not easy for you to go thru all this. somehow, somewhere, you lost track of what you wanted to do with your life and you are saddled with an overgrown baby ... you said "He was the sweetest person I had ever met" but it looks like you have never really met any "normal" grown ups, which is sad, but a fact. you grabbed onto him - not because he was so great, but because he was "nice" to you, and you probably overlooked (or could not recognize) any of the red flags that were waving.


I have a feeling that unless you get to the "root" of ALL your issues - you are going to continue to follow the same patterns you have been following. (meet "nice" guy - get pregnant - then wonder what went wrong). I really think that you would benefit from some good therapy right now. not marital - just personal therapy for you. you are a very strong person but it sounds like you lack some basic personal direction in life (and again, that is perfectly "normal" for someone with your upbringing). i am sure that once you get some help, you will be able to find the inner strength that you need and get your life back in order.


just my 2 cnets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:57pm
After reading your post, I would say you have two very separate issues going on.

1) Having an identity of your own - a life - filled with joy, making a difference, having a hobby, having friends, etc (however you define your success). That means you have to start building those kinds of relationships AND exposing yourself to opportunity AND making time for you, pampering yourself and taking care of you.

2) Dealing with your husband's betrayal. Have you posted on the Betrayed Spouses Support board here at ivillage? They have been through it and can offer lots of support.

Steps to get on the path - first make yourself a counseling appt to help you sort out your emotions, decide a course of action and to decide if you want to invite your husband to marriage counseling to rebuild the trust and heal from him cheating on you.

Reading material to consider:

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm

www.marriagebuilders.com

For you:

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

Self Matters, Phil McGraw

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz

Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:44am
I am 31 now. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. We have been together almost 15 years. We have 3 children that belong to us both, but he raised them all and they all call him daddy. He takes care of us financially but he isn't there for us emotionally. He feels his only responsibility is to work and bring home the money and I have to take over from there. I pay all the bills, cook and clean, take care of the kids, he doesn't even attend their school functions with us. Now I am not saying always, but it is very rare that he ever tries to be a part of this family. He actually told me a year ago out of the blue that he never wanted anymore kids after I had the second one. Like he couldn't have told me that or done something about that back then. Why if you don't want children would you wait til you have 5 to say "hey I only want 2 kids"! Sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew him or if I just made myself believe he was something he really wasn't, which is my knight in shining armor.