what's a girl to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
what's a girl to do?
9
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:17pm
ok, i'm new to this paticular board, and i have an issue, or maybe a thought, or maybe it's just a question on right or wrong. my fiance and i both go onto the yahoo chat and chat with people in the body art rooms. we botch share the same "friends" on there. we talkto the same people and they all know we are together. when people come into the chat rooms, they play around with each other. with me, it never becomes sexualy oriented. but recently my fiance has not only talked to a few of the friends of ours that are women, sexualy, he's watched a webcam of one of them "flashing" their breasts. he says it's all in play and that they know it too and he says it's just him trying to get a "rise" out of them, just messing around. but it bothers me, downright pisses me off that he would go on here and say things like that to these other women. originaly i caught him doing this, otherwise he wouldn't have told me about the first time he saw what he did and said the thngs he said. after that, he no longer keeps it a secret exactly. i mean, the only time he'll tell me about what was said and what he saw, is if i am talking to that paticular person myself. and he always says it's just in fun, nothing intended but it still bothers me. and i'm told he doesn't want me to talk that way to a guy on the chat room or see their webcam if they decide to show off themselves. it's likea doublestandard of " i can do it but you can't" is this an ok thing for him to do? am i right to be upset? what the heck can i say to him that will make him listen to me and stop? we jsut get into an arguement over it normaly. i'm seriously mad and hurt by this. and i hope this was the right place to come to. thanks for reasding this!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 5:43pm
Many relationships end up crashing and burning due to what began as "innocent fun." You can believe me on that one.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:01pm
That would be completely unacceptable to me. I would make your position clear to him and ask him to stop this behavior. If he chooses to disrespect you, then I'd rethink whether he's the right man for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:42pm
I agree with everyone else. Double-standards.... yikes. He likes doing it (and the attention of it) and will probably continue to do it and doesn't care much how you feel. How sad for you.


Edited 8/11/2004 7:46 pm ET ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:15pm
exactly, how sad for me, as always. so then i guess i'm stuck and should jsut get over it or freaking leave him for not apaying attention to what makes me feel hurt?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:32pm
Those are pretty much your choices: accept him AS IS, or leave. I doubt this would be the only area in which he disrespected you, however.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 8:28pm
I am posting to let others see your original post. It helps to just stay on the same thread so that others can catch up and are more likely to post to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 9:19pm
Girl, ask him to stop that just because u dont like him doing that - just the way he wouldnt want u doing that even if it didnt mean any harm - be clear in ur message - u are not saying any injustice here - U need to tell him frankly that it is something tha tu dont like abt him.

If he doent understand that - LEAVE HIM

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 11:32pm
Well.....Ive been told that this is something every guy does they will either have a conversation wilst also using webcam and let other girls do things you dont feel comfortable or happy that their doin it or they will either look at porn, as you can proberbly see on one the boards i aslo have this kind of problem ,feeling hurt and all upset about it, he aslo doesnt like it when other boys mess around flirt with me and things like that ,because he looks at porn and watches that sort of stuff on t.v but when it comes on t.v n things like that with me he tells me to turn it over or that he doesnt want me seing stuff like that and he wants to be the only one and i feel cheated and hurt that im not the only one and he is.

I guess what im saying is that its not an ok thing to do if it bothers you and hurts you,plus if he loves you and cares about you he should know that doing this,and also the fact that he let you find out urself instead of telling you would hurt you because of how much you trust him,and yes u r right to be upset,ur in a relationship it should only be u and him doing things like that 2gether on a computer not him and another woman.

I think you should have another word with him and make him see that what he is doing isnt right and tell him how all of this is making you feel.You shouldnt have to keep checking up on him and he shouldnt be keeping things from you .

If he really does want to be in this relationship and really does care about your feelings then the next time you have a word he will stop and focus more on ur relationship if not its obvious he doesnt care.

But try not to worry this is something every guy will try in a relationship or not its more likely just a guy thing ,Usually guys just get the urge to do something and they do it without thinking about the consequences or how it makes people feel.

I think that talkin to him about it would be the best option because the only other way would be for him not to chat to those women anymore but i doubt that would be any good .

Just try not to get to upset and hurt over this ,its something guys do without thinking and i doubt he wanted to hurt you. Also you could tell him you dont want her on his yahoo list anymore just incase she tries to do naything like that again.(or ask which evers best to make him listen to u and understand)

Hope i helped,

Good luck

Jade

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 9:44am
I certainly wouldn't put up with that. If he treats you like this and doesn't seem to care that you are hurt about all this -> LEAVE.

He'll learn the hard way that it is not okay to act like he does.