Whats going on here? (LONG)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Whats going on here? (LONG)
2
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 2:24pm

I am 42 years old, I was married for 15 years which ended in divorce about 7 years ago for the past 6 years I have been living with a guy who had a drug problem, a liar, a cheater, a heavy drinker and who was emotional, verbal and at times physical abusive. I finally made the decison to end that relationship but here is the problem with the new guy, Dale.

Dale asked me out right after my divorce, I turned him down, wasn't ready to start into the dating scene. I ended up in the above relationship. About 1 year ago I started working next door to Dale's mother's place. Her and I became good friends as did his sister and I. Whenever Dale and I seen each other we would speak and go on about our own business. His sister and mother knew my unhappy home situation and kept telling me that I should give Dale a chance. The day before Christmas I seen Dale and we spoke to each other, he introduced me to his kids. I couldn't quit thinking about him. In January he came to the office where I worked to see the doctor that I work for. We started talking and exchanged email addresses. We talked for about 1-2 weeks on the computer. I asked him to meet me for coffee one morning and he did, the next night we went bowling with his kids. Basically we have been together since.

The problem, we both talked and talked and talked about how we wanted this relationship to go slow, build a friendship and get to know each other and not jump into anything including sex. We both agreed that we wanted to have feelings for each other before we made that move. We seen each other every night and have really been enjoying each other's company, his kids love me and my daughter loves him. 3 weeks into the relationship we had sex. Things just seem to be moving right along, we both feel comfortable with everything, we don't feel we are seeing each other too much. For the last 2-3 weeks he wants me to spend the night and I have been. Some nights sex is there, other times it is not which is fine. We have talked about moving in together and decided it was too soon, we both agreed that one day we would like to be married to each other but aren't ready to set a date. Last week we told each other that we loved each other and it feels great. Now I am started to get scared. I am very insecure and have low self esteem and at times I don't feel like he feels the same for me like I do him even though he tells me that he really cares about me, enjoys being with me and loves everything about our relationship including loving me. I think this all stems from my past relationship. He too was cheated on in the past, twice. At first he was scared but says now he feels safe with me and knows I would never do anything to hurt him.

The other night we were talking about moving in with each other and he said he wasn't ready because he has been on his own for so long (6 years) and from his experience every time moving in takes place then the relationship is ruined and he doesn't want to ruin anything between us. He did say that he may change his mind at any time. I don't understand why he wants me to stay every night, wants me there as soon as I get off work but isn't ready for the next move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:18pm

Your post reads like you overlapped relationships. is this true? I think you need to spend some time without a man, getting to know yourself and maybe even going to therapy to figure out why you let a horrible relationship go on for so long and what you can do to prevent it next time.

You and Dale agreed to let things go slow and they aren't. Please do not move in with him so soon and do not get close with his kids or get your daughter involved with him now. It isn't fair to them if this doesn't work out.




Edited 3/30/2007 3:31 pm ET by ciao__gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:28pm

Hi graysgirl and welcome to the board,


I think you need to set some boundaries with your time.